


Separate Together

by inelegantprose



Category: Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: AU, F/M, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-07
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2018-12-24 22:30:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 68,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12022395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inelegantprose/pseuds/inelegantprose
Summary: Han comes out of carbonite and Leia isn't quite as he remembered her. AU Multichap. [It's that Bespin pregnancy fic everyone writes.]





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As Orbit moves into its final chapters, I decided it'd be nice to have another long multichap up and running. It's a plot-heavy AU so updates will be shorter but more timely. Also, not Ben in this universe yay!

“I know what you’re here to say so let me just make it clear now: I’m going.” 

As if for emphasis, she put a steadying hand on her abdomen before lifting her blaster, closing one eye, and then aiming and firing, sending the center up into a spectacle of smoke. 

“Nice shot,” Luke said appreciatively, preparing himself for the long argument ahead.

“Thank you. Despite what you might think, the houseguest has only reoriented my center of balance, not destroyed it.” She shot again at the next target – the whole wide shooting range empty, troops now gearing up for deployment – and again hit the center with ease, but she only frowned in response.

He smiled faintly. “And how is the houseguest today?”

“Late on rent. And you’re trying to distract me, and I won’t be distracted. I’m going.”

“What makes you think that’s what I’m here for? I can’t come find you to say hello?”

“You’re still employed. You still have responsibilities. No time for something as frivolous as  _ hellos _ .” 

“You’re not a – what’s the word? Frivolity.”

“Exactly. I’m an asset. And I’m  _ going _ .” 

“Leia, you know that’s––”

“I don’t even know why I’m asking your permission – you must know I outrank you. Outranked you, then.” 

“I think as a Princess you still outrank me if even you’re discharged.” 

“Princess of an ash heap, how compelling. A capitalist political economy has no use for a princess without resources to dispense to allies, I’m worthless, I don’t even have a virginity anymore – and anyway, if this mission is still under wraps, rank is irrelevant, and I don’t need your permission.” 

“Chewie won’t even let you up that ramp.”

“Chewie won’t dare to push me aside. I’m very delicate, you know.” 

“Which is why you’re not coming.”

“ _ Obviously _ I was being facetious.”

He rolled his eyes. “ _ Obviously _ .” 

“Luke. I have to go. I  _ have  _ to.” 

He took a deep breath. “I know this is – more important to you than I can imagine, but you have to understand why it’s not  _ realistic  _ for you to––”

“Do you think my life is more valuable than yours?”

He looked at her, lost for words.

“Well?  _ You’re  _ going.” 

“Um. I’m not.” He gestured to her stomach. “So... “

“ _ His  _ life is more valuable than yours, then – even though her  _ fingers  _ are webbed, and he’s a  _ hideous  _ conversationalist, and honestly a real  _ mooch  _ at this point––” (That habit of hers, then, still disorienting, of vacillating genders so as to not become, in her words, especially attached.) 

“Leia…”

“Whereas for all we know, you’re the only member of the next generation of Jedi. Which sort of implies that perhaps you should be staying home, instead. For safety’s sake, since the stakes are so high.” 

“Leia!”

“I  _ am  _ an asset. I’m clever enough to have sorted out half the plan with Lando, I’m an excellent shot, I can still run fairly decently, I’m still fit and I’m still trim with all things considered, I – I can’t believe I’m explaining to  _ you  _ why I’m worth bringing, I can’t believe I’m  _ asking  _ –  _ begging  _ for permission, I––...” She looked genuinely pained by the change in dynamic, carefully lowering herself onto a nearby bench and biting her lip, suddenly absorbed into her own thoughts. “I have to come. I have to...”

He sat down beside her and rested his hand cautiously on her back. “Leia… I can’t imagine, these past few days? What you’ve been through? For so many months it’s been  _ where _ , and to suddenly  _ know _ ...”

“Yes, well, I live in my own head, you know. I keep my own tabs on what goes on there.” But her voice was more tired than nasty, and she leaned against him.

“And what you must be thinking about?” I mean… if things don’t go according to plan…” 

She stiffened. “Don’t be ridiculous, of course they’ll go according to plan. How could you say something like that?”

He took a deep breath and tried to restart. “If things  _ do  _ go according to plan, then…”

“Well, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there,” she dismissed just as crisply.

“... do you not see the contradiction there?”

“Sometimes you need to hold two contradicting thoughts in your head at once because otherwise you have nothing to hold onto.”

“I just – I know you must be… you overthink, you know you overthink, and with this – I mean, do you know what you’d  _ say _ , or…”

“Are you asking me because you want to know if I’ve thought about it, or because you want to know  _ what  _ I’ve thought about it? Because I can assure you I’ve thought about it. How could I not, I suppose.” 

“Right, yeah. Duh.” 

“Duh,” she imitated, but her voice was soft, fond. Even moreso, then, asking: “Can I tell you a secret?”

“Anything.”

“It’s perverse.”

“Go ahead, Lei.”

“A part of me wishes we’d found him three months from now. Because by then this would be over. And he would never have to know.”

“He’d still have to know.”

Her force was quavering slightly, unconvinced: “I suppose you’re right.”

They sat in relative silence for a moment.

“Hey, are your feet bothering you again?” Luke asked softly, his voice so genuine and kind it made her heart twist. Sometimes, he thought about her in her quarters at night, trying to rub her own back, her own feet; calling in droids to help her reach high shelves, cooking for one. Lonely Leia, never able to get the angle right, never able to touch the sore spots that could be made soft again by another person. By the right person, who he knew he wasn’t. 

She gave him a weak little smile. “No, I’m okay. I was finally able to commandeer a bigger pair of boots, so.”

“You’re on your feet too much.”

“Oh, my valuable houseguest. Everyone so attentive to her needs.” 

“I care about  _ you _ , Lei. Caring about this,” he gestured vaguely to her stomach, “is sort of incidental.”

“Nice to know my personality and worth hasn’t been entirely subsumed into my abdomen, then.”

“I’ll care about it as much or as little as you want me to care,” he said seriously. “And so will Han.”

She started quivering, then, just a bit, and rubbed her lower back. “I feel as though I’ve been smited. The recipient of a cosmic curse. Have I told you that?”

“Maybe once or twice.”

“Doomed to wear my sexual history under my dress – it used to be that everyone could see my virginity all over me, you know, with the white, and now…” She trailed off, sort of absentmindedly circling the protrusion of her bellybutton, not quite grimacing but somewhere close.

“Whole new meaning to public figure, huh?” he said in a voice he hoped felt empathetic. 

Leia smiled faintly. “Please stop being so nice to me. I’m still going to go.”

“Leia – listen to me. I know Han, and I know if you go with me to help – to help get him back? First thing he’ll do is throttle me and ask how the hell I let you risk your life when you when you were pregnant.”

“I like to think first thing he’d do is ask how the hell I came to be in this state to begin with. Or, you know, say hello.”

“ _ Obviously,  _ but––”

“Han doesn’t coddle me, Luke. He doesn’t treat me like I’m made of glass.”

“It’s not exactly like he’s been around you in this particular  _ state _ ––”

She winced at that but powered through: “I don’t understand – is it that I’m not useful anymore, is it that I’m too grief-stricken to take seriously the oh-so precious life I’m carrying and you somehow have a better assessment of what it’s safe to do during a pregnancy, is it that my life is somehow more precious because there’s a not-yet-viable fetus residing inside of me, where is your  _ logic _ , I don’t––”

“You know he’d never let you pull a stunt like this!” 

She gave a sharp, shallow, sad laugh. “So you’re just doing this to me for  _ him _ ? You’re not letting me go – for him. How generous. What if you don’t even make it that far, what if – for  _ him  _ – could you be more  _ patronizing _ , you’re trying to avoid his  _ wrath _ , what about if you aren’t even able to  _ get  _ him back because now you’re shortstaffed – and then I lose all of you? Could you be more  _ selfish _ , could you––”

“Leia! It’s not up for debate! You can’t – you’re six months pregnant, you’re just not in the condition to go! Same as if you were injured, same as –  _ Leia _ ! Just – try to have some perspective!” 

“I have so much perspective. I am full of perspective. Let me show you how much perspective I have.” She stood up, then, looming over him, such a strange vision, so tiny and trim and then so swollen only to become compact yet again, like a mismatched thing, like misshapen bits and pieces – girl, woman, mother, lover – somehow all mixed up. “I have risked my life for so much less than him – for the Alliance, for the Death Star plans – all of that, less than him. How could I not do him the same courtesy ad infinitum – how could I not put myself on the line when I have been readily doing so for so much less – I have to see him. I have to know. Okay? I have to see him, I have to know. Forget  _ this, _ ” her turn to ambiguously gesture to her stomach, “Forget this, that is nothing –  _ this _ is about me and Han,  _ this _ is important _ ,  _ I can feel it. I have to be there. I have to go. I am no longer asking permission, instead I am telling: I will go.” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so glad you guys are interested in this piece! A bit more...

_ “What in gods’ name is she doing here?” _

Princess Leia was used to sort of reaction nowadays, or at least she’d been trying to get there, this past month in particular – get to an acceptance-ish place, center herself – she’d always been good at finding strength in righteous superiority, which was sort of like acceptance’s ugly stepsister –  _ I  _ accept  _ that you don’t have a clue as to what you’re talking about.  _ So when she heard Lando’s hissed, panicked comment, she merely smiled. 

And while it stung that everyone from her mentors on the  High Council to her lowliest former charges seemed to be regarding her mere existence on the base with a kind of abject horror, sometimes Leia couldn’t help but think they were merely vocalizing what they’d always thought, secretly, in the back of their heads. Her still-fairly-taut belly – compact, she had always been compact, no reason to stop now, even if it meant she looked a little grotesquely disproportionate, like she’d swallowed a flight helmet – like a metaphor for being a young woman. All the older men who’d sniffed and scowled at taking orders from a  _ girl  _ now free to look at her skeptically, mutter  _ s’why a base is no place for women,  _ protest at her involvement for the sake of a pesky houseguest curving under her sweater.  _ Dammit, Han, look what you’ve done to me – made me the punchline of everything I know.  _

She’d have to kick that habit too, one of these days, before it kicked her – talking to him like that, inside her head, well griping really.  _ Han Solo I swear to God if my feet are more swollen today… Han you better get back here because no man will want a woman bearing another man’s stretch marks, you’ve made your bed and you better lay in it, preferably with some lotion, please…  Han Solo you cannot die because if your gigantic head is genetic I will be torn to shreds in delivery and then I  _ will  _ have to kill you. _

Instead, the houseguest kicked her, and she snapped back to the present, where Luke was hissing back, “I told her it’s crazy but she won’t listen, I told her again and again––”

“You know, just because Han’s been missing in action doesn’t mean there’s a vacancy for someone who gets under my skin,” she said evenly in Luke’s direction, before striding over to Lando. “Good morning – I hope the trek wasn’t too hideous.” 

“Salutations prin…cess…”

Leia gave a half-smile and held out her hand to shake his, hold it meaningfully and waiting out the inevitable eyes-dropping-to-her-belly. “We do appreciate it,” she said in what she hoped was a serious, sincere voice.

“Of course – and you’ve been – well? Considering?”

“Considering,” she said with a patient smile. He was doing the pitiful thing, then, that was more Luke and Chewie and Carlist’s style, the one that felt worse… staring at her sort of devastated-like, all  _ can-you-imagine-anything-more-awful,  _ head ducked in a gesture of mournful respect. _ Respect for Han’s delusional widow,  _ she’d snapped, once, her sarcastic voice clipped with disgust, cli _ nging to hope of reunion lost lover through his unborn child… how terribly romantic…  _ Lando at least had known, though the look on his face made clear that seeing her in this particular state was apparently different from being told about it. She was used to that, too. 

“It’s lovely to see you in person,” she continued, offering him a look she hoped said  _ Show me your sympathy by helping me pull this off – show me you’re sorry by getting him back, and then we’ll call it even.  _

“And you. You look…” He trailed off and gave her a look of genuine helplessness, a half-smile, something about it so frank and so non-condescending that she felt viscerally grateful.

“Challenging, isn’t it,” Leia said cooly, a rare smile playing on her lips. “If you flirt like always it’s a bit perverted, but if you don’t you’re calling me fat… hmm…” 

“Someone else’s claim is a bit obvious, Princess.” 

“And yet no ring. A scoundrel, really,” she quipped – had a bit of fun there, for a while, with folks returning from long missions who hadn’t known of Han’s capture –  _ I told him I was pregnant and he  _ said  _ he would marry me, but the next day, you know, he said he was going to run a quick errand and he just hasn’t been back since! Ran off with my virtue in tow, just like that. Gee, I just couldn’t believe it!  _

Luke hated that sort of thing, that cold mean humor she’d leaned into to make it through these past two months in particular; how could he ever understand that her insides were all warm liquid, vulnerable and anxious and turning her into to someone who put a man’s fragrant shirt on a pillow and hugged it to sleep? And that she certainly couldn’t act that way in  _ public _ ?

“Well. A diamond does seem a bit macabre, my dear.” 

“Do tell,” Leia said, settling into a chair and rubbing her lower back.

Lando raised his eyebrows, his eyes twinkling a bit, and Leia thought  _ bless you, honestly, for not treating me fragile, not rendering me glass – bless you Han for the company you keep, that improbably knows how to talk to grieving pregnant righteous women.  _ “Well, you know. How they’re formed – carbon under pressure.” 

Leia choked out a laugh, her eyes widening as she guffawed. “That’s terrible! Oh, that’s really, really terrible!” 

Lando sat down as well, grinning kindly at her. “Tell you what. Once we get him out of there, I’ll tell it again, and you promise me you’ll laugh just like that, as though it’s the first time. Not all of us can be as clever as you; some of us have to recycle our punchlines.”

“Sounds lovely,” she said as Luke sat beside her, Chewie, having just entered, joining them as well. “Especially lovely about the part  _ we _ .”

Then Lando looked sort of panicked-like to Luke as Chewie voiced his disapproval as well. “I didn’t mean ‘we’ as in necessarily,  _ we,  _ as in, you, I, er––” 

“It isn’t up for debate,” Leia said, smiling sweetly. “And Chewie, I know you’ve been instructed to look after me, but the circumstances––”

Chewie roared again, and Luke cut in, wide-eyed. “I think we can agree that the circumstances have changed, Lei…”

“I mean they haven’t, really. Not technically.”

“Um…”

“What? I was also pregnant when we formulated this plan – how long ago was it? Only eight weeks, seven weeks? Well? I  _ was _ .”

“I  _ guess _ ,  _ technically _ , but we didn’t  _ know _ that then––”

“But that doesn’t change the fact that had we not missed that opportunity two months ago I would’ve gone in pregnant.”

“I mean sure, but now we  _ all _ know––”

“What do you mean ‘we all’––”

“Nothing, Lei, just––”

“I didn’t know either – maybe you have some kind of – backwater fantasy about the mystery of the female reproductive system or what have you, but I swear to the gods I didn’t know until two months ago and––”

“I didn’t say––”

“Because if I did know earlier I can assure you that this situation would be very different––”

“Princess, there’s no need to…” Lando then, reaching out to touch her hand.

“Please don’t condescend to me – please. I just. I don’t understand. The logic. It feels. Like. This call is being made based on. Emotions. And not. The facts,” she ground out, trying to steady herself.

“Leia, just…  _ please _ ,” Luke was saying. “I know you understand this. I know you do.”

“If you’re so concerned about my houseguest more than anything else you would know that the rates of miscarriage…”

“Everyone cares about  _ you _ .  _ You _ .” 

“Exactly! And then who is looking out for Han?”

Lando again: “We’re all looking out for Han too, princess. You know that.” 

“It doesn’t make sense – either the plan is airtight enough that it’s safe enough for me to go, or it’s not airtight enough and not safe for me, in which case it’s not safe enough for anyone – and not safe enough for Han, we only have one substantial shot at this and if we fail they  _ will  _ kill him, I can’t––”

“You’re not going to logic your way into getting people to think it’s okay for you to undercover in a mobster’s lair when you’re six months pregnant!” 

“Luke Skywalker if your plan isn’t responsive to appeals to logic, _how is it supposed to_ _save his life?”_

_ [Leia,]  _ Chewie was saying, covering her hand with his much larger one.  _ [You know what Han would say about this.] _

_ No, I don’t _ , she thought in a bright, terrifying flash –  _ because I don’t know what he would say about any of this.  _ The kick again, like an old memory on loop, like a trigger.  _ Any of this _ ,  _ any of this.  _ “Well,” Leia said her voice quavering only a hair as she sat up straight and knitted her hands together confidently. “That’s why we’re doing this, correct? Because Han isn’t here.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep those comments coming! They are so encouraging! Also for anyone worrying about a long haul – I promise she and Han will be reunited soon. The bulk of this piece is post-rescue.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We get a little more info about the past few months here. Way more angsty than usual because it's flashback – promise it won't stay like this forever.

Walking through the Falcon felt sort of like a cross between strolling through a haunted house and stepping back in time. She’d only been on here a handful of times since Bespin, and very perfunctorily – to grab some of his clothes, which had become her nighttime maternity wear, or a pillowcase for its smell, the latter being the sort of thing she would never admit to publicly – how unbelievably girlish, how sentimental, how goddamn necessary. Now Leia let her fingers linger everywhere, her lips firmly pressed together, one hand over the swell of her abdomen but mostly just to keep herself steady, give it a warning – there would be no stroking here, one did not stroke bullet wounds or scabs. 

She was grateful not to be on headset and therefore was unable to hear Luke expressing his discomfort with this plan one last time; last night he’d asked her while she’d stitched ever more slack into her Alliance-issued trousers, “Is it that you don’t trust me? Is that it?” 

“If I didn’t trust you, I’d insist you stayed home,” she’d said simply, not looking up, cursing softly in Corellian as she stabbed her fingers again with her needle. “I trust myself, and that’s why I’m going as well.” 

_ I trust myself, I trust myself.  _ Responsible Leia improbably a) pregnant and b) too stupid to identify her own pregnancy on her own, as it were. A wonder that she could ever trust herself again.

_ I trust myself with a blaster, then. Just not with men. Or prophylactics. Or a regular menstrual cycle.  _

She shut her eyes and let herself feel fully the ache in her lower back and in her feet – responsible Leia, gritting her teeth through most of the day and carrying herself with a rigidity that said  _ hurt, what hurt? Ache, ache ache?  _ – and the dull, throbbing worry in the pit of her stomach. Her real stomach, not the euphemistic one, the one that threatened to be sick with anxiety, pounding in sharp, frantic beats:  _ HAN! HAN! HAN!  _

Leia stuck her head into the cockpit, where Chewie and Lando were doing the thing everyone else but her could do: being useful, more useful than anyone was allowing her to be. “I’m going to lie down for a moment,” she said stiffly, chin high, “But please comm or call if anything arises.”

Chewie mostly roared his acknowledgement – right, they were focused. Important things. Sure. 

So she moved on, walking slowly through the haunted house back into his bunk, their bunk. Hesitating for a second before lying down on it, staring stiffly at the ceiling:  _ HAN! HAN!  _ Gritting her teeth to keep her emotions in check. She felt a tremble of movement inside of her –  _ there you are again _ – and found herself rolling her shirt up and over the hill of her belly. She rarely touched it and it wasn’t like anyone else did, either – there had been a brief forty days in which her life was all touch, all affection, and then suddenly her skin was inviolable again. Especially this skin right here.  _ HAN! I LOVE YOU!  _ Very slowly drawing circles in her skin, trying not to flinch and grimace. Even in the shower she tried not to look – but how could she try to get him to reconcile with something if she hadn’t, if she didn’t…? 

If she got him, if she got him back –  _ I LOVE YOU!  _ She could see the kick happen in front of her this time, the way her skin sort of spasmed and then righted itself. Sort of grotesque, like it was happening to someone else. Gods – what was she going to  _ do _ ? 

Without warning her mind raced back to the first time she’d asked that question, trying to get medical clearance for an upcoming mission and snapping at a med assistant to  _ well, run it again! Well, it must be broken – I need you to get another one, immediately. Get me your supervisor, then – now.  _ And then going white and rigid and silent when the supervising physician did the scan for her yet again, with new equipment, his thinly-veiled voyeuristic interest impossible to ignore. 

What had she said? Her voice low and hoarse. “That’s not possible, it’s been ages since I’ve been with anyone.”

“If you’ll forgive my asking: ages meaning…?”

Her skin was burning. “Quite a long time – maybe four months.” What time had been the last time – in the handsome suite in Cloud City, probably? Yes, because –  _ I’ve never been with a man in a bath...  _ she’d murmured, and he’d snorted.  _ Circa 40 days ago you’d never done it with a guy anywhere, so that don’t surprise me.  _ And by then she’d learned all the ways to be husky and coy and had breathed,  _ Well, I’ve enjoyed all you’ve introduced me to thus far, so…   _ every time she thought of him she ached, felt like she was going to splinter in half, it was like being brutally stabbed,  _ HAN! HAN!  _

“Well, what was the date of your last menstrual cycle?”

Swallowing the tightness in her throat, looking at the wall, still burning – something about this cavalier chat with a  _ man _ , something about – damn the Rebellion and the total male-domination of every aspect of its troops, damn it all… “It’s irregular, it’s always been – for years, it’s always come and gone very sporadically.”

“But most recently?”

“Gods, it must have been… I don’t know…” She squeezed her eyes tight, then paled further as she remembered – there had been that embarrassing little chat with Han about her improvised menstrual products, fuck – and all but  _ whispered _ a date early on the way to Bespin.  _ Fuck! Fuck! Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck–– _

“That’s – hmm. About fifteen weeks? That seems about right. Well, there’s some additional good news for you, Your Highness. You’re almost halfway there.”

Her throat had tightened so much she felt she might not be able to get the words out. “Halfway… there? Halfway to what?”

“To holding your little miracle in your arms,” he’d said, smiling at her, and Leia had jumped off the chair, raced to the wastepaper basket in the corner, and thrown up. 

Had thrown up and then moved through the rest of her day numbly, training the way she always did but to excess, running faster and for longer, lifting harder, pushing herself further and further – not in some kind of masochistic-miscarriage way but for control, to gain control – her insides twisting as she put the pieces together, the stomach flu everyone had had that had that had lingered in her, the tightness of her bra,  _ FUCK! HAN!  _ – target practice late into the night, shooting faster and faster, more perfect, she would be more perfect, until finally she doubled over in exhaustion and did a sort of hollow, silent scream, shaking, and that was how Wedge Antilles had found her, snapped at the waist in a panic attack and immediately dissolving into hyperventilation when he touched her arm and said, “Princess?” Leaning on him heavily and shaking and unable to speak as he and Luke walked her to her room and got her into bed, confused but not surprised – women, women, prone to hysterical things. Leia was a woman, Leia was prone to things. Women were prone to these sort of things. 

But then calm, collected and professional in Dodonna’s office, standing up straight and saying stiffly, “I need you to clear me for a short furlough. Immediately. As you are technically my direct superior.”

He didn’t look up from his datapad. “You know as well as I do that that’s unlikely, but I’ll hear it. What’s the reason, Princess?”

“Medical reasons.” 

“Medical reasons,” he echoed, unimpressed,

“Women’s… troubles,” she clarified between clenched teeth. 

“Hm. And you’ve found the facilities here insufficient...?”

“They can’t – they’ve told me they don’t have the resources for. My needs.” Which was not quite a lie: the doctor who’d said  _ Oh Princess, it’s much too late for what we can do here medicinally,  _ the aid who’d promised her every child was a blessing. They were not what she needed. 

“And you have documentation of this?”

“Not exactly, but as a member of the Council I hardly think––”

“I’ll be honest, Princess. You know that no ships are being cleared for leave right now given the high alert – everyone is being held from movement. The odds seem next to none that I would be able to get you cleared for some kind of – feminine frivolity.” 

“Not a frivolity, Jan,” she’d said through clenched teeth. “This is – urgent.” 

His face flickered with understanding and – not disgust, but something like it… “Well if that’s the case – for what it’s worth, Princess, should there be any little ‘dalliances’ you need to take care of, such resources exist in medical even if you might find it awkward to take care of whatever your situation may be within Alliance headquarters. I know you and Skywalker have been quite chummy these past few months. I cannot impart extra privileges to you for your status, even if the situation is unfortunate.” 

“For your sake and mine, I’ll pretend I didn’t just hear that, sir,” she’d said, trying to keep her voice from quavering, and she’d stormed out of the office in a way she hoped was confident and superior even as she felt her eyes start to sting, and then she was collapsing into the chair across from Riekken’s desk and begging for clearance, only to be told, in much kinder words, the same thing:  _ No one is coming in or out right now, Lelila, not even suppliers. I’m so sorry. _

Crying fully for the first time, really crying, snot everywhere, hormones, it was hormones, weeping, and choking out her confession, then sobbing  _ please, I cannot have a baby, I can’t, I can’t! _

“Is it – I mean, based on the timeline,” he’d said gently, and the inside of her head had screamed  _ Based on the timeline?! I haven’t been with anyone else, why does everyone think I’m the slut of the Rebellion?!  _ “I’d assume the – father,” just a beat of hesitation, there, before that word, “is Captain Solo? Or else – ...”

_ Or else, or else  _ – something awful, no, this was awful but nothing like that, “It’s Han,” she was choking out between tears, “Of course it’s Han – and he’s – please, I can’t, I… I  _ can’t _ ...”

She hadn’t felt so much like a little girl in a long time, coming crying to a grown-up begging them to fix it all. In fact she’d felt older these past few months than she ever had,  _ especially  _ with Han – if he were here, would she feel older? But he wasn’t here, he wasn’t – he could be dead – he could be dead, he could die, she would never see him again, she would never – she would be all alone – she was so – she couldn’t––

“Oh, my dear Leia…” Putting his arms around her gently, she felt like a child, where was Han, she needed him, if he were there she’d have a brave face on, she wouldn’t feel so...

“I can’t, I can’t, please, please, I don’t know what to do…” 

Rubbing her back and saying those magic, tantalizing, terrifying words: “I know of a couple…” 

In the present, Leia let the circling over her fingers over the skin of her stomach transition into tracing, words sort of spelling themselves out.  _ Don’t get too comfortable. I’m sorry. Han. Han. Han. _

Han – so much of him not really him but a security blanket version of him, when she was humiliated or upset or afraid, imagining what he would say, this fantasy Han who was a little more tender, used better grammar, and always had the right words. Who was almost uncharacteristically loving, her support system, a mirage that got her through the day. 

Real Han had a bunk that was still messy. He left his shoes in the middle of the floor. He thought she was spirited and funny and sexy and wanted to have her everywhere he could think of, preferably multiple times. What had she said to him once, curled up in bed?  _ Everything in the galaxy is so difficult, and you are so easy. _

_ You calling me a slut, princess?  _ he’d laughed, his hands, which had been sort of cupping her breasts idly, pinching as retaliation.

_ Loving you is uncomplicated, is what I mean. You make it so easy. _

_ Well, what can I say. I’m pretty easy to adore. _

She tried to picture Han Solo next to her when she found out about this whole mess, or rubbing her feet, or sitting with her at 0300 when she plowed through food combinations she’d find vile in the morning. Impossible. This had to be the farthest thing from anything he would want – as far as it was for her, only moreso, even moreso, for him, surely.  _ Han, I’m sorry… Fuck, Han, you did this, the ‘fresher, the cockpit, fuck _ … She’d spent so much time worrying about finding him, she hadn’t stopped to imagine what would happen if they did. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews are beautiful! They keep me motivated! And they reunite Han and Leia more quickly!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Onward…

Leia readjusted her veil and squinted at the Tatooine suns, frowning. “I don’t think I fully appreciated how  _ bright _ it would be. The two suns, that is.” She leaned herself back a bit, trying to hide the difficulty of getting herself comfortable. She was always settling  _ herself _ , now, never settling – readjusting herself, never readjusting, like she wasn’t part of her body. Well, maybe that was right. “Home was always a bit… misty. Foggy. Or maybe that’s just memory...”

“It is brighter than I remember here, too,” Luke said, nonchalantly handing her a cushion to prop behind her back. “Glad you’ve been able to cover up a bit.”

Another day, another hostel, this one their second since they arrived; while Lando worked on developing his cover at Jabba’s, Luke and Leia had separated from Chewie and were darting through the surrounding barren landscape, never staying anywhere too long and never able to do much other than sit and chat idly while they waited, somehow able to be casual with each other even though the danger that awaited was so very real. Well, they couldn’t stay at maximum panic for two weeks… 

Their days as barren as the landscape, a sort of polar opposite to what she fondly or not-so-fondly referred her “little trip to Bespin” – instead of sex and bodies and probing conversation, all that existed was veils and sun and empty talk… 

“Conventions of femininity were often at some point adaptive,” Leia noted, plucking at the white cotton veil covering her hair. 

“Men have thicker skin, huh? Can’t burn?” he teased.

“The stakes of unsightliness are lower.”

“And you wouldn’t want to be unsightly, would ya?” 

“But I suppose that since I’ve already been impregnated, though... well, who gives a damn anymore, right? Evolutionarily, that is,” she said, rolling her eyes. “But my mother was always very nervous about the fragility of my skin, ah, my complexion… everyone at home was darker, so – I think she may have overdone it out of anxiety… creams and veils and things, but I humored her… you know, she tried for so long to have children and they all sort of – receded from her like the tides with the same variety of – violence, and gentleness… I guess that metaphor is lost on you farmboy, though, isn’t it?”  

“I do know what the ocean is, Lei,” he said, teasing gently.

“Well, then. Then you get it,” Leia said, smiling a little. “Anyway, though – it took her a bit to, you know. Realize I wouldn’t recede… once she had me…”

“You don’t talk about your mom much.”

“Oh, is that how you say it?”

“What?”

“Mam, you –  _ mom.  _ Huh.  _ Mawm. _ ” 

“I dunno, I mean, I didn’t say it a lot growing up, so… Mam?”

“Yes?” she answered as if in saying the word he had been calling her, batting her lashes and then laughing shortly. “Hmm – I guess I don’t. Well, as you might imagine – it’s painful. You rarely talk about your aunt and uncle…”

“That’s not true, like they come up, like little sayings – you always tease me for saying  _ my aunt used to say  _ but – you never say anything like that.”

“You must handle grief more effectively than I do. Evolutionarily, I mean,” she quipped.

Luke sighed. “I wish I could show you, back where I grew up. I mean the house is gone, but the area… it’s not much, but it’s something. And where Old Ben lived…”

She smiled faintly. 

“It’s sort of funny, actually – this guy is like, the best cover we could ask for,” he said, indicating her belly.

“What, the tenant? Intriguing.” 

“Just ‘cause no one is expecting rebel operatives to be, like. Pregnant.”

“Do we make a convincing husband and wife, do you think?”

“What, like to our – landlords? I hope so. I mean, what else could we be, right?” 

“Right, right… I mean, one room one bed, so… right…” She sighed, squinting again. “I feel like that happens whoever I’m standing next to, though. That everyone is always trying to, you know, parse who I belong to. To whom I belong.”

“Well, whenever you talk like that they try to figure out where you’re from, so…” 

“Talk like what?”

“‘To whom I belong’, the way you always – invert your sentences?”

Leia smiled faintly. “Didn’t anyone ever teach you about not ending your sentences with prepositions?”

“I guess not.” 

“So backwater… here, here’s a dirty joke, it’s one of my favorites.”

“I’m sorry, are you telling me a  _ dirty joke _ ? Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan?”

“Sh, sh, it’s a dirty grammar joke. Okay, so: a Coruscanti and a Corellian girl arrive at the Legislative Youth Program, where they’ve been assigned to be roommates…” She’d told this joke recently, hadn’t she – had it been to Han? On the way to Bespin – to Han, one time when they were drinking, when she’d had too much to drink – though thinking about that now she felt a little guilty, but… Laughing and whispering in his ear, so sloppy, making a big show of crawling up into his lap… he grabbed her playfully but forcefully, yanking her legs into a straddle before refilling her drink, she was definitely drunker than him but didn’t mind it too much, not when he was mumbling  _ Finally have you all to myself, about damn time,  _ oh… 

“So, the two girls are unpacking their things and, in an attempt to make conversation, the Corellian girl asks,  _ So, where’re ya from?  _ And the Coruscanti girl is, you know, Coruscanti, and she sticks her nose up and says,  _ very  _ pretentiously,” here she imitated the Coruscanti accent, when she’d told Han she’d pulled away all withholding, a parody of her own aloofness, “ _ I’m from a place where we know better than to end a sentence with a preposition.  _ And the Corellian girl blinks at her, crosses her arms, and says brightly,  _ So, where’re ya from – cunt? _ ”

Luke, who had heretofore seemed fairly uninterested in Leia’s “dirty” grammar joke, burst out laughing, genuinely caught off guard, and she would’ve smiled but she was caught up in the memory, now. She’d whispered  _ cunt  _ right in his ear, making the c hard and the t crisp, the word naughty and tart in her mouth, and then she’d grinned and he’d grabbed her and hauled her off to the bedroom, where once he was inside her he made the word his own, low and husky and groaning,  _ goddamn I love your cunt _ … other Leia going wild and laughing and moaning, not a care in the world. They’d used a condom that time, right? It had only been the ‘fresher and Cloud City, and that time in the cockpit, when they hadn’t? She couldn’t remember, and maybe that was the point, the not-remembering, that was how she’d gotten into this situation… other Leia was so stupid, who did she think she was?

“Leia? Are you alright? S’the sun bothering you?” Luke, then, because she’d pulled her veil down protectively to try to mask her expression.

“No, I just…” To her horror, the tightness in her throat was almost audible. “I, ah. Hormones,” she finished lamely. 

He took her hand and squeezed it. “I’m glad you’re here, Lei.”

“Oh, now you are.”

“Just feels right. I can’t explain it – in the Force, though – it feels like you’re supposed to be here.” 

She nodded a little. She had a headache, too, from sleeping in tight braids; Luke had been surprised that she had declined his offer to sleep on the little couch in the room and even moreso that she meticulously rebraided her hair into tight coils after washing. Like he expected it to be the opposite – well, most people did, but she’d shared beds on missions before, albeit usually Han was the one playing her husband… still, she didn’t mind the warmth of another person too badly, even in all this heat. And he’d seen more of her skin, she realized, on this trip than ever before, because her improbably skinny legs stuck out from beneath Han’s shirt-turned-nightgown, but it didn’t bother her much. The hair, though, was another story… 

_ Don’t those hurt to sleep on?  _ Luke had whispered in the darkness, the two of them sort of turned towards each other like mirror images, two halves of a kind of familial whole. Like a slumber party, like being a kid, telling secrets in the middle of the night. 

Leia had shrugged.  _ A bit.  _ Sort of a lie – the tightness of the braids pinned down neatly to her scalp was in fact fairly painful, but she didn’t want to complain. With Han at least she’d eventually worn her hair in a long, simple plait down her back to bed, that had been comfortable, but… 

_ Do you always have to have them on? Ouch. _

_ Not always, not when I’m alone... It’s – mm. An intimacy thing. Modesty.  _ She’d been going back and forth on whether to take it all down in front of him, when they reached Cloud City – at the time she’d wanted to wait for when she was sure he’d stay… now… what if he never… it was hard to imagine anyone but him, ever – if not him, maybe no one would ever see it again? 

“Do you want children?” she asked suddenly before jerking, surprised at herself.

“As in, eventually? Or as in, your particular houseguest?”

“As in eventually,” she clarified, rolling her eyes. “I wouldn’t just pawn off this one all of the sudden, that seems inconsiderate to Stella and Lou, I should at least give them a chance to make a counter offer…” 

“You tell them you were coming here?” he asked, looking at her, his expression hard to read.

She looked away. “I don’t really – we don’t communicate directly, just – through Carlist, really. It’s too…” She pressed her lips together. “Well, it’s all been complicated now, I suppose.”

“I guess,” he said slowly. 

“I mean I’m less of a charity case when the situation’s instigator isn’t in a state of suspended animation. So I’m not really – I mean, nothing is certain…” She tugged the sleeves of her dress so they went past her wrist, trying to hide in the light fabric. “That is – assuming we can get him out.” 

“Assuming. We will.”

She nodded.

“And – to answer your question… I’ve never really thought about it? Like since joining the Rebellion, a part of me has been pretty convinced I won’t last that long.”

“Well, you know. These things can sneak up on you.” 

“I dunno, being gay’s gotta be a sufficient contraceptive, right?” 

“Whereas being bi is like poking a hole in your diaphragm? Oh…” She grinned macabrely and shut her eyes. “Go on.”

“And before that, I never really thought about having a family or anything.” 

“You’d be a good parent, I think,” Leia said decisively. “You look out for people. You’re patient, you’re boundlessly empathetic...”

“Hey. Thanks, Leia.”

“I mean for awhile there, Han and I were like squabbling children, and you always did a good job of keeping us separated when needed. Making sure we apologized to each other when appropriate. The way a parent does, I’d imagine...”

“Does that make me gramps?” he joked, nodding at her abdomen.

Leia grimaced. “Grand-landlord. Grandlord. How about that?”

“Sounds like a Sith.”

“Well, now you’ve ruined it.” 

“It’s sort of weird that I’ve never, I dunno. Seen you two – together.”

“Hm?”

“Like – seen you two as a couple… functioning as a couple...” 

_ A couple. A couple. Yes, that would – yes, a couple, we would be a couple, will be a couple.  _ “Yes,” Leia said softly, and suddenly her face felt tight and hot and she stared – tried to stare – into her lap. “Yes, that is strange.”  _ Are a couple.  _ Something about that so comforting… 

“I don’t know how I didn’t – sooner, I mean. Guess.”

She shrugged. “I didn’t either, so.” 

“I – if you hadn’t… if this hadn’t happened would you – I mean. You would’ve told me, right? Or I guess… I guess you wouldn’t have?”

_ If this hadn’t happened –  _ if she hadn’t had to sit him down one evening, him and Chewie, and say, her voice careful and on edge,  _ I need to tell you something and I know you’re going to be very upset at me for concealing it but I promise I’ve only just learned the other day. _

“Probably not,” she confessed. “I sort of – I think I had it in my head that if I – said the words aloud, that we’d been together, that it would – sort of pop, like a soap bubble. Like a dream.”

_ I’m pregnant, it’s Han, and I’m going to have to have it as I’m halfway to term. _

“That is one benefit,” she added, smiling tightly. “Now I know it really occurred –  _ I bedded Han Solo!  _ Like a brilliant flashing light. The latest member of the club.” 

Luke’s stunned expression, eyes huge and darting between her stomach and her face, she’d folded her arms over it protectively, concealing whatever it was he was looking for. Eventually blurting out,  _ It’s –  _ Han’s _? _

“You know what Chewie said.” 

“That he loves me. Yes, I know,” she murmured. “I – I can’t believe I’m even thinking about this, worrying about this sort of thing, when his life is…”

“I mean. We’ve got to pass the time somehow, right? It sucks, being stuck in one place, but for now...”

_ Got to pass the time somehow.  _ Going up to Han and saying seriously,  _ Captain, I’m concerned about rations if things continue at the current rate _ , and him saying  _ Yeah? How do you figure, Princess?  _

_ Well, if we keep going to bed with the frequency we’ve established–– _

_ “Going to bed,” gods, I’ll never get tired of your fuckin’ – cute little euphemisms, Kriff, “going to bed.”  _

_ And if our original timeline for sublight travel remains accurate… _

_ Swear to gods, if you insist on checkin’ my work one more time–– _

_ Well. I’m concerned we might face a shortage.  _

_ Of… sex? _

_ Of prophylactics. _

He’d laughed, really laughed, aloud, a rare, unironic sound bursting out of him.  _ Hells. You might be right about that. _

_ We need to diversify,  _ she’d said, smirking and serious all at once.

He’d grinned wickedly.  _ If y’want me to eat you more, sweetheart, all you have to do is ask… _

Leia shut her eyes and inhaled, clearing her thoughts. How was it possible, to go from dire straits in Hoth to so much easy, simple happiness – to this? And would she ever be able to think about them having sex without self-loathing, without frantically tearing through the memory for the presence of a condom so she could pronounce that one clean? Not tainted by – this mess, this fucking mess, it was such a…

Who did she think she was, getting optimistic and happy like that? Didn’t she know better by now? 

“I’m going to review the groundplan of the palace again,” she said decisively, standing up. “Are we still planning to switch locations tomorrow morning?”

“Yep, that’s the plan. This next one will get us a little closer, should work nicely.” 

“Alright, let’s just ensure we’re on the same page about identities. We might want to decide if I’m renting to a boy or a girl, in case someone asks next time – it would be awkward to blurt out contradicting answers. We cut it close with the due-date ask at the front desk… I mean it was fine, me fielding it, but I do think the less I talk the better – I sound distinctly… not from here. As it were.”

_ Where am I from? Where’re ya from, cunt? Where are you from, Leia? Where are you, Han – and where are we going? _

“As it were,” Luke said, looking at her. “I think I’ll stay out here, for a bit. Maybe meditate a little.” 

“Would you like me to get you at some point? Sometimes you lose track of time.”

“Whenever you’re ready to eat,” Luke said, smiling guiltily.

“Alright.” Thinking of how she’d functionally fasted, those first few weeks after what happened at Cloud City – sick with flu but still insistent on making her body into lean, fit perfection. Running relentlessly, determined to get faster, stronger, even when she had to stop to vomit on the side of the track.  _ For Han, for Han.  _ And now all she could do was sit, and wait… another week and a half, until she could even approach the palace, another week and a half in which he was encased… and then what? She felt so trapped, too… immobilized in every sense… she couldn’t run fast anymore, not as fast as she’d like, and she was clumsy… stuck in Tatooine countryside and impotent… 

“Almost there,” Luke said, offering her a smile.

“Yes,” Leia said, her voice a little more doubtful. “Almost.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every single review means the world! Keep them coming!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys! I’m so sorry for the delay! The start of the year was crazy – but now ya girl is back and better than ever with a new update for you!

Alright, it was time, then: Leia tilted her head back to give Chewie a head’s up, curled a gloved finger around a the trigger of her blaster and…

Immediately, guards swarmed her and Chewie, and she allowed herself to be led through the dank cave, forcing herself to keep her features rigid and confident.

Leia could hear her heart pounding in her chest, almost threatening to explode out of it. The thick walls of what she could really only describe as a _lair_ seemed like they would close in – dark, dry, crumbling earth, dripping goo, gods the _smell_ – it must be her pregnancy brain, surely no other beings could tolerate spending more than five minutes in a place this rank… she willed herself to take harsh, deliberate, powerful steps – gruff, aggressive – steps that didn’t really have to pee – and she breathed through her mouth and she prayed not to lose her footing in these too-big boots.

Too-big boots: Leia remembered this morning, the suns high in the sky, how she’d prepared with such confidence – she needed that confidence now, right now, _badly._ She tried to remember inspecting her face in the shard of mirror as she swept her hair back into a long, practical braid. Yes, she’d had bags under her eyes, an ugly flash of sunburn on her nose, and a sort of softness around her cheeks that she’d pinched with distaste. The sort of chubby sweetness that implied _sweetness,_ floral maternity dresses and big soft curls, _ugh_ …

Pinching – Han, pinching her ass, smirking at her, her mock indignation…

Other than the softness, though? She’d looked tough, ready, and now she tried to feel it. She’d narrowed her eyes and her reflection, other Leia, the Leia who had gotten pregnant, had narrowed her eyes back at her. Dark, purposeful eyes, pointed and deadly. She’d bared her teeth and Other Leia bared her teeth too, still had a lot of fight in her. She’d raised her chin haughtily and Other Leia had became regal and confident and in control. Leia had smoothed her hands over her stomach as if to flatten it into submission. Now it was entirely concealed in the bulk of the reeking, heavy get-up. She could do this, she could do this, she could do this. She _would_ do this.

As Leia continued to tug Chewie through the winding, wretched place, she tried to keep her eyes straight ahead, but it was impossible to ignore everything around her. Most of all she tried not to stare at the scantily-clad women – they were obviously some kind of prostitutes, maybe closer to slaves? – around her, tried not to feel too guilty about the way, dressed as a man, she had the ability to pass through unbothered. Leia had read and researched so much about this sort of sexual slavery, had made female emancipation her pet project in the Senate which had not made her many friends, but something about seeing it… well, sometimes she was sure she’d grown up in another galaxy altogether.

Another one altogether, where women were treated in another way altogether – Han, being almost unbearably gentle with her right at the start of the first time he was inside her, asking if she was alright – how he’d almost choked when she’d ground out impatiently, “Han, I said it was my first time with a man, not a phallus.”

He’d really moaned in response, squeezing his eyes shut as he’d sped up, and she’d almost laughed, surprised at his surprise.

“Don’t worry,” she’d said cheekily between gasps, “I’ve been on both ends of it and I prefer the setup we’ve got now…”

And he’d covered her mouth with his hand and grunted low in her ear that if she kept talking about that kind of thing it’d be over way too soon – Han, turned on and shocked and groaning at the image of her and all the things that two women did, that she’d considered too mundane and ordinary to even tell him… Another world, what a shock this one had been, where her strap-on was mind-blowingly sexy in its scandalous taboo and rough, awful men didn’t treat women as people. It was impossible to imagine Han had ever come here willingly.

Had ever come here willingly – Han had come here willingly. Had Han ever been with a woman who was a slave? Had he ever jeered… and did he understand these languages? She couldn’t, or maybe her blood was pounding too loudly in her ears, everything unintelligible. Oh gods, oh gods – _Han, Han, Han_ … and would this insufferable houseguest please stop kicking in time with her racing heart – she tried to think some rough approximation of soothing thoughts in its direction – _excuse me, now, hello there, this is your landlord speaking, please don’t be distressed, hi, yes, things shouldn’t get too bad, if you could just calm down that would be very much appreciated, thank you._ No luck, instead a jab hard enough that she almost winced.

She couldn’t understand the voices around her, the deluge of what she assumed was vulgarities and deal-makings and, what, virulent misogyny? But she still found her overactive mind imagining translations – translations that suddenly, vividly, put her back into the gossip-soaked halls of Hoth – that seem feeling of walking down endless halls, alone, certain she was being stared at, seeking judgement – whispers flickering around her ears… her pulse racing faster, faster – _there she goes, look at her, did you see_ – faster and faster––!

“Alright, alright, you were right, I admit it.”

“I _told_ you she was. I _told_ you.”

“It’s not like we had any real concrete proof until––”

“I _told_ you, her – I mean, they’d gotten…”

“Oh my gods. Well. I don’t spend my time monitoring that sort of thing.”

“You have to admit it’s sort of wild.”

“Oh it’s absolutely wild – that’s why I was so hesitant to believe the rumors. I mean – _her_? Of all people…”

“Well of course she’s the type to be too proud to deal with it, instead make everyone else accommodate her…”

“Yeah but she’s cold as hell, I would’ve thought––”

“They’re pacifists on Alderaan, maybe––”

“Either way, s’a little unbelievable...”

“ _Her_ …”

“And _him!_ ”

“Well if anyone was going to knock someone up it would be––”

“No yes I mean not _him_ doing something like this, that feels in character––”

“Really? You think so?”

“Oh come _on_ … I bet this isn’t the first time…”

“But if he makes a habit of sleeping around you’d think he’d have a foolproof system…”

“Some kinds get off on that sort of thing––”

“ _That’s_ a load of crap, no guy wants––”

“Like women do!”

“My _point_ being – him _and_ her – I mean yes it seems inevitable but at the same time…”

“Right it’s like everyone was waiting for them to get it on but also the idea of them as like… _married_ or something, it’s so…”

“Well but that’s the point. Obviously that isn’t happening.”

“They might be able to get him out…”

“Please. You believe all that? It’s clear he took off…”

“You’re a conspiracy theorist, listen to yourself, you sound crazy!”

“I mean, always threatening to go and suddenly she’s knocked up and he really is gone?”

“You don’t really think he’d do that to her, do you? I mean they’re _friends._ ”

“Friendship don’t make you father material. He took off, I’m sure of it.”

“And I don’t blame him – can you imagine going home to that _voice_ , oh my––”

“Stop it! I like her! Or I mean, I _respect_ her. He always struck me as kind of sleazy…”

“You’re just jealous because you never went with him.”

“You really are.”

“No man can be _that_ good in bed. It’s a shared delusion. I’m not jealous.”

“I’ll tell you what, he’s a good guy to be around – doesn’t have a pole up his ass unlike our princess…”

“That’s awful! That’s _so_ crude.”

“Here’s the thing: I don’t know how everyone concluded that it’s his? Are we _really_ certain it’s not Skywalker’s? Like how do we _know_.”

“Maybe _she_ doesn’t even know.”

“Nah, it’s not Luke’s.”

“Yeah, no way.”

“But how do you _know_?”

“Um, ‘cause he’s gay as hell?”

“Well that’s just ridiculous, when I met her I thought _she_ was gay as hell.”

“That’s because she hit on you!”

“She did not hit on me…”

“You have to admit she’s kinda dykey…”

“ _He_ hit on _me_.”

“Well that’s not special he hits on everyone.”

“I don’t think that’s true!”

“Yeah but you think Skywalker’s straight. So clearly your judgement is… faulty. To say the least.”

“I think she’s gay too.”

“But she obviously has the hots for Solo. Had? Has?”

“Well, not anymore. Now that he’s up and gone.”

“I still think they’re telling the truth…”

“Yeah, even so, but then what? If they somehow manage to save him, he’s gonna take one look at her stomach and get the hell off the planet.”

“And why shouldn’t he? Not like he had any say in all this––”

“He _did_ this to her, you think she _wanted_ that?”

“Well she kept it. So that’s that. I’m telling you, he’ll hightail it.”

“And I guess if he doesn’t… what’s she going to do, marry a smuggler or something?”

“Right, no…”

“You know what I think? I think maybe the Council will try to spin some kind of marriage-cum-alliance out of this. Protect her virtue and secure arms. Two birds one wedding band.”

“Not a bad move, honestly. She’s said no to that shit before but now she’s not really in a position to be picky…”

“You guys are so awful.”

“What! Like you wouldn’t be relieved not to hear that damn voice all the time.”

“... I mean yes, but maybe not this way.”

A _thwack_ , then, jabbing up into her spine – she needed to calm herself down, _now_. Which meant...

Han, Han – she inhaled sharply, anxious, full of trepidation as she let her thoughts linger on him – _alright, alright, will this calm you down?_ Han – Han who, yes, had maybe been in this place, sort-of willingly, under duress but – Han who may have glanced at women who were used like this but – also Han, making her laugh – making goofy faces at her during meetings even when she _huffed_ in response – winking at her – tapping her chin once, when she was buried in work on Hoth, to get her to look up and saying seriously _you’re somethin’ else, don’ think ‘ve ever met anyone who works hard as you._ Teaching her to play Sabacc… and sure enough she felt her pulse steadying and the kicks receding. _Don’t get attached, don’t get attached to him._ She’d told herself that once, too, look how it’d ended… 

Leia took another deep breath and let the guards escort her through a particularly hideous, vile crowd. Slimy, filthy, so obviously sneering and hollering at the girls... What she would give to look at Chewie – she could feel the slow, steady frustration radiating off of him, and then a bright flash as his head turned, and she turned hers too, for a second and _there he was, there was Han!_ His form, only, but looking – tortured and hideous and – _there was Han, there he was, Han, Han!_ Screaming violently – she thought of his torture – how could anyonne, any sentient thing, _do_ something so goddamn _hideous_ – yes, now she could feel her rage, too, alongside Chewie’s, and instead of trying to soothe it she leaned into it – said to the kicking _lean into it, that’s right, fuck this, this is wrong, this is wrong, this is wrong!_ – what her parents had thought her to feel, ever since she was small, to feel rigteous when something was wrong – _lean into it, that’s right, fuck it!_ – she was confident, she was pissed, she was going to get her goddamn boyfriend back, she could do this, _she could do this…_

She didn’t recognize her voice, when it came out of her or rather out of her mask, but that was okay, because she didn’t care about being recognizable, she wanted to be whoever would be able to do this, she’d be anyone at all to be able to do this, to be able to _get him the fuck back_ – that gaping scream – _HAN!_ That kick, too, leaving her thinking in its direction before she could stop herself – _yes, that’s him, that’s Han, that’s Han!_ Only a flicker of _fuck_ flying through her head, reminding her that this was the sort of connection with the houseguest she was very actively trying to avoid – but then it was too late because words were tumbling out of her mouth, confident and firm and _going to do this_ :

“I have come for the bounty on this Wookiee.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So… guess who’s making an appearance in the next chapter??? Reviews encourage me to write more quickly!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short but eventful chapter for our heroine…

_Silence._ Leia couldn’t remember the last time she’d been so silent, been surrounded by so much silence. So attuned to every flicker of sound around her – every droplet, every crunch of gravel, every creak. She’d always been stealthy but so much of that, she was realizing, was about being _svelte_ – compact, slender, muscled and disciplined. Now her steps felt clunky and heavy, way more difficult – and _gods_ it stank in here, and _gods_ she was sweating – from panic, from heat, from the strength it took to keep her balance impeccable.

Would she ever walk with confidence ever again? Or with confidence that wasn’t a mask at least – without a voice in her head saying _they’re looking at you, they’re looking at you._ She was so used to moving from place to place with ease – walking with her chin up and a frown and somewhere to go. Fast, weaving through people who would leap out of her way. Her shoulders back the way her mother had taught her. She’d tried to keep doing that now, but it was harder when she didn’t have anywhere to be – and when she was so clumsy, this unrecognizable body.

Would Han recognize her body? Would Han recognize her at all, clumsy and unimportant and still angry but so unattractively? She felt delirious from hunger – hadn’t had anything to eat since this morning – her thoughts slurring – _Han, Han, Han…_

Dreaming for months of Han, holding her tight, teasing her, kissing her, taking her to Women’s Intergalactic and saying everything would be fine. Muttering _you’re so gorgeous, you goddamn pain in the ass_ and grabbing hers and kissing her hard. Teasing her, pushing her buttons, tossing flimsis made into rockets at her head that said inside things like _I like your crazy Old World hair, I like your tiny little feet._

What would he say to her? What _could_ he say? Han – gods, her head hurt… what about the Han who had yelled at her, gotten in her face, left her fuming? The trip to Bespin like a quiet respite – she could see him, eyes blazing, finger pointed at her, _how the hell did you let this happen! What the hell am I supposed to do now, huh Princess? What the fucking fuck––!_

She took a moment to pause, rub her temples, deal with the black blurring around the edges of her vision. She couldn’t handle it if he were mad at her – she – gods – another person… somewhere in the far reaches of her mind she knew that it could never, he would never, and yet she wouldn’t thought Evaan would never abandon her either and how spectacularly wrong had she been on that?

She had expected frustration, maybe – Evaan had never really liked Han, and then of course there was no reason for a former lover turned friend to relish in her taking up with someone new and turning up pregnant, though that – the lover business – had been, what, two years ago?

But that hadn’t been it, it had been – and now, she was there, one month ago, alone again, saying, “I didn’t keep it on purpose. I would’ve terminated if there’d been time.”

Evaan had opened her mouth as if to speak, then shut it.

“I know this disturbs you.”

Evaan hadn’t contradicted her, and instead nodded ever-so-slightly.

“Because I know what you’re thinking,” Leia had continued softly, not looking at the other woman.

Evaan had tilted her head to the side.

“You’re thinking this one is the next — the last — whatever, in a lineage that means something. It’s not,” Leia had continued, looking at her hands — how raw they were, from all that nonstop training, from pushups and punching bags, all gone now. “This one’s from nowhere, related to no one. All that’s gone now, surely you must know that… Heir to nothing, ascending to nothing. She’s not anything anymore.” And for not the first or last time, Leia had forgotten for a moment whether she was discussing her tenant or herself.

Han wouldn’t be angry for the reasons Evaan was. Obviously. But he could be angry, she’d seen him angry – and then she wouldn’t have a fantasy of him to consult anymore, and Luke would return to training and she would be really alone.

Which was fine. She’d been alone before. She was alone in the Senate. She was alone on the Death Star. She’d survive. Well, she’d probably need another person to catch the kid on its way out, naturally, and deal with the cord and all that, but other than that…

His finger in her face – _Huh, Your Worship? Huh?_

No. It was hormones that were making her doubt herself. That was it. They were making her emotional and illogical. Hormones and hunger. _Hey you in there. Cut that out. Cut that out right now._ A guest who’d overstayed their welcome, that had never been welcome, that soiled the sheets with sweat and left their towels all over the floor, dishes piled high in the corner. She seethed with resentment for a moment and it made her less scared. Stronger. Walking confident. Or rather creeping confident.

This was ridiculous. She’d be lucky if he survived. That’s what she needed to focus on: making sure he survived. That’s why she’d turned the empty top bunk of her tiny quarters into a command center for her own research into carbonite – to make sure he survived. To bring him back. To bring him back. To bring him back. To bring him – arrogant, reckless, loyal, loving – back, back––

And there he was. She could hardly look at him without her stomach churning in horror. Her pulse was _pounding_ and the houseguest was turning over incessantly and she couldn’t help but brush a hand over her abdomen and think _yes, exactly, that’s him, that’s him!_

Without hesitation, Leia reached out and flipped the switch that lowered the towering, solid block. Suddenly she could hear him screaming in her ears, hear him being tortured as though it were happening before her. The strangest thought occurred to her – that she’d probably been pregnant then, that he had seen her like this after all – and then it was gone, sucked away in her fear. Under the mask, it was all over her face. Locked in the carbonite, it was all over his face.

_Han…_

Her hand shaking beneath the sturdy gloves, she hit the lever and watched sludge melt away –

Slowly, slowly, too slowly… way too slowly for the sound it was making, so fucking loud, her heart pounding – gods, there was his face, his hair – limp and drenched – his shoulders – so goddamn _loud_ – that face! He collapsed forward and she grimaced – she would grab him if she could, only she wasn’t supposed to lift much of anything and she doubted she could support him anyway… That face that slack, limp – and then coughing, he was coughing, he was alive, he was alive – she couldn’t keep herself from rushing to him now – _Hanhanhanhanhan! HANHANHANHANHAN––!_ How long had she waited––?

“Just relax for a moment,” she said breathlessly, trying to resist the urge to grab him and press him to her, stroke his hair, hold him forever and ever – gods, when had she gotten so sentimental – probably around the time she fell in love with a scoundrel – or became pregnant – which, as it were, occurred just about simultaneously, so – “You're free of the carbonite,” she assured him.

He moaned and her heart ached for him – “Shhh,” she said, wishing she had her hands, not gloves so rough, “You have hibernation sickness.”

“I can’t see,” Han ( _Han! HAN!)_ groaned out, and she felt her chest tighten just at his voice, even so weak… she needed to get him back to their base, ASAP, he needed care _now_.

“Your eyesight will return in time,” she promised, helping him to sit up a bit and mindful of not settling his weight onto what used to be her lap.

“Where am I?” he groaned.

“Jabba’s palace,” she explained hastily, ready to try and figure out how much time they had – how long until he could stand, how much of his weight could she support, they needed to _go_ , now… Maybe they could hide somewhere, somewhere crawlable, until he was able to walk and balance better, because she couldn’t support him and creep out of here…

He blinked confusedly, his face still slick with sweat, and moaned, “Who are you?” and Leia’s voice unexpectedly caught in her throat. _Who are you, who are you? Who the hell are you anymore, anyway?_

All those names he had for her – Your Highness, Your Worship – that didn’t mean anything anymore, what had she said to Evaan, that lineage couldn’t save her anymore, and she sure as hell didn’t feel like Leia, rushing out of meetings to use the ‘fresher again and again until she was kicked out of them altogether, doing target practice alone into the late hours of the night, tired and hungry, working through meals because she had to, she had to find him, she was so tired and hungry, who the hell did she think she was, who the hell was she?

She looked at his gasping, shivering form, needing so much from her, and, pulling off that ridiculous helmet to let all that frazzled, wispy, sweaty hair free, blurted out the first thing she could think of:

“Someone who loves you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive the length – I wanted to separate this out from what comes next. Next update will come quickly after this! Please leave a comment if you enjoyed, have thoughts, etc. – they really motivate me! It’s never too late to start reviewing if you’ve been following along this whole time!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you this one would be faster as a consolation for the last one being so short! Head’s up: there’s some brief talk of sexual harassment and other yucky things. Skip to the end if you want to avoid. It won’t come up again – just here.

_Someone who loves you._ The minute she said it the feelings surged through her in a flood, and she heard faintly his “Leia!” before she was kissing him hard, his hands running over her looking for purchase and, she figured, because he couldn’t see. She threaded her fingers through his slick hair, her heart racing – _Han Han Han_ – and then a sharp feeling of wanting to keep his hands from her lack of waist, exhaling when they settled in a tight grip on her forearms. His hands, those hands, his face, she just wanted to hold him forever. Every damp inch of his skin. Her mind racing back to his cries as he was tortured. Gods he was still weak, but at least he could hold her tight, he was getting his strength back enough to walk… they needed to go, now…

“I’ve got to get you out of here,” she breathed, struggling to her feet. She was still so out of breath, the black spots in her vision returning from hunger… they would need to be quick, and they still had to get Chewie, but maybe once they had Chewie he could support Han primarily. But until then, the two of them – they would have to… limp, really, and crawl if they had to – but they would do it, they could––

She struggled to help Han to his feet, unable to stop herself from gasping as he put most of his weight on her.

He sputtered out another cough. “Y’alright, princess?”

“I’m fine, it’s you I’m worried about,” she breathed, eyes darting around. She slung her arm around his waist tightly, squinting to see in the dark. “We need to go – sh-sh, I have you…”

He groaned again as they limped forward – and then, of course, she heard that laugh, and her blood went cold and like a perfect, brilliant glimmer he was gone again.

XX.

“What the hell am I supposed to do with all this hair?”

“Is there time to cut it?”

“No way, you cut Ryla’s and it was _awful_ ––”

“And then she was _whipped_ for that––”

“Whatever, she could stand to be whipped. What? She looks like she could take it.”

Leia inhaled deeply, sitting up straighter and staring straight ahead, grimacing and jerking when something poked her in the eye. “It’s just mascara,” the girl, one of the harem girls – slave girls, she corrected herself, trying to keep her thoughts very even and collected – said, gripping Leia’s chin and putting the dirty, gloopy wand forward again. “Blink.”

Leia did her best to stare ahead and not blink, setting her jaw.

“You. Whoever you are. Blink.”

“The hair, guys, seriously, help me out here…”

“You’re running out of time!” The youngest voice, the one that caused Leia to bite down hard on her lip whenever she heard it – how old could a girl holding that voice be? She could only barely see glimpses of their features in the ruddy mirror before her. She kept her features rigid and said nothing.

“Just – here,” the girl with the wand was saying, exasperated. “I’d let you do it yourself but you’re cuffed, alright, do you think I want to be your makeup girl? Just blink otherwise we’re both fucked. You can take a beating but I can’t, alright? Not today. _Blink._ ”

Leia blinked. _Luke,_ she thought. _And Han, please hydrate. And Luke. Luke._

“That’s a girl. Now the other. Blink. Ti, just put it so it’s yankable. Like a long cord or something? So you could pull it?”

“Good call.” The woman on her hair, “Ti,” began yanking a comb through it roughly, causing her eyes to water, but she pressed her lips together and said nothing.

 “Pout for me?” The girl with the wand again. “Or – sorry, if that’s too much for you, just – whatever, don’t move, see if I care.” Leia watched the woman grab her face again, hard, and carefully fill in her lips. Her hands were thin and trembling, the veins protruding and bony, and Leia inhaled through her nose.

“She’s scared, it isn’t her fault…” The one who’d offered to cut her hair, her voice sympathetic but mild.

“I don’t care whose fault it is, I’m not getting beaten because of her pride.”

“You haven’t even asked her her name. What’s your name?”

Leia watched the blush go on her face next but said nothing.

“Huh? What’s your name, sweetheart?”

 _Sweetheart_. She grimaced at the emotion that flooded her. _Han Han Han._ Luke would get them out of there, he would. She looked down and said nothing.

“S’okay, we’ll get it out of you eventually. Finish this up, alright? I’m going back to sleep.”

“What, you don’t want to see her strip, Dy?” The girl on her makeup, her voice cutting and sarcastic, and Dy made a disgusted sound in response.

 _See her. Strip. See her strip._ Leia steadied herself again. She could do this. This was easy. Han was ill, deathly ill, probably in a prison cell, she could handle stripping and some light touching if it came to that, hells she could handle anything. She knew the particular dangers of being a woman in combat. As long as she avoided injury, she would be fine. Emotionally she’d be perfectly fine. Luke was coming and she would be fine.

She _did_ have powerful friends, it _wasn’t_ a lie. It was just – she felt so faint, and she’d seen exactly what these girls were used for, and they all looked so emaciated and _filthy_ and and and––

“Wait, before you – how’s that look?” the one named Ti again. “Wait, pass me the – mhm, huh?” she added, and the suddenly Leia felt a _violent_ tug on her scalp as Ti yanked the high twisted braid her hair had been broken into. She hadn’t let out a peep even when they undid her hair, even though she’d shown it to no one, ever, since puberty, and there were not only these women but male guards, she hadn’t said anything then, but now––

“ _Ow!_ ” Leia cried out as her head jerked back, her eyes watering more now. She shut them tightly.

“Sorry, sorry,” Ti said, stroking the side of her face absently, almost robotically. “Dy? Yes? No?”

“It looks fine. It’ll be fine. Good – kink factor, whatever.”

“Good,” Ti said, satisfied. “Sweet dreams.”

“I love you!” the youngest one called after her, and the one with the makeup pinched Leia’s cheek.

“She’s a baby so she says that to everyone,” she explained, forcing her to squint with some more eyeliner again. “Daddy issues. And spice.”

 _Yes, well, she sounds like she’s an enslaved sixteen-year-old prostitute,_ Leia thought, her stomach churning, but she nodded faintly.

“You have realized she’s pregnant, right?” Dy, the older one on her way out, her voice weary and tired.

“The fuck?” The one on her makeup.

“Are you really?” The baby one, suddenly in her face – yes, she was a baby, her eyelids painted electric blue, some kind of ugly brand on the side of her face. “Are you really going to have a baby?”

“Good night,” Dy said again, and the girl from her hair, Ti, forced her to her feet.

Now she was facing them, her hands cuffed in front of her, made up and doing her best to stare straight ahead without expression.

“Strip,” Ti said.

Leia didn’t move.

"I don’t care if you’re pregnant or not, you have to _strip_.”

Leia held up her cuffed hands and quirked one eyebrow. _How exactly am I supposed to do that?_

“Hey – hey you over there, yeah.” Ti, then, to the guards, her eyes narrowed with disdain. She spoke like she was talking to idiots, and Leia almost admired her for it. “If you want us to _dress her_? You have to make us able to _take her clothes off?_ Understand?”

The guard sort of grunted, and Ti continued, flat, “You get to see her strip. Okay? Uncuff her. _Now_.”

The guards came and uncuffed her and Leia flicked her eyes to the ceiling, thankful for the bulkiness of the suit, even if it would, apparently, be fleeting.

“Go back over there,” Ti said authoritatively, before turning to the girl who’d done her makeup. “This is bullshit, it’s the middle of the night.”

“I know.”

“Breaking in new ones is…”

“I _know_.”

“Don’t worry,” the baby was saying to Leia, her voice all high-pitched posturing, her eyelashes too long and batting in a way that made Leia want to vomit. “No one will break you at all. Also – if you’re having a baby then you’re not a virgin, and so it’ll be so much easier then.”

“Ignore her, she’s never been a virgin,” the makeup one said drily.

“Yeah but if you are pregnant,” Ti said contemplatively, “they won’t beat you hard because he’ll want to sell your young, so.”

“That’s true!” the baby said brightly. “Dy’s had like a billion babies – she just pops ‘em out and they just – fwoosh! Take ‘em off––”

For some reason that’s what did it. Leia bent over, inhaling heavily – hyperventilating almost, gasping. Where was she, where – she couldn’t – she couldn’t – no, no, no––

“Hey,” the makeup one was saying. “Hey, alright, hey, calm down, calm down…” Her rough hand on Leia’s back. Her voice lowered. “Listen, alright? You’re gonna strip back to the guards – for whatever reason, Gamorreans don’t really get off on ass – and we’ll get something on you really fast, okay? Clean you up with a rag or something. Okay? You’re going to be fine.”

The woman went to pull off Leia’s jacket and shirt and she finally yanked away, putting her hands up defensively and barking out “ _No._ ”

She saw the guards stiffen to attention but held her ground. “No! No. _Do not touch me._ ”

“Trust me, you don’t want to cross these people, lady, alright?” the woman said to her, voice still low.

“I’ll change,” Leia said flatly, her voice low and tight and tense. “But I _will_ change myself.”

“Whatever you want,” the woman said, putting her hands up.

“ _No_ touching.”

“Fine, have it your way. Here,” she said, motioning for Leia to hold out her hands and placing in them something heavy. Metal? Was it – some kind of metal – get-up, something? With a skirt – purple something, but mostly metal…

The baby made a horrified face. “ _That_ one? That one pinches _so_ much, it’s _heavy_ ––”

“It was _requested_ ,” the woman said flatly.

“If she’s big it won’t fit,” Ti noted mildly.

“No, it sits under. It’ll fit.”

She stopped listening thereafter, instead squatting down to hide as much of her skin as possible and very methodically began to peel off her disguise. Thinking about Han, and skin, and her body. The way he made her body feel, the expanse of it, trailing his fingers leisurely up and down her sides. Happy to look at her, smiling when he got to. She’d be demanding _what are you looking at?_ And he’d say, smoldering and low, _you, beautiful. You, sexy. You, gorgeous. You, sweetheart._

 _Don’t you ever get bored of looking at me, then?_ she’d murmured.

 _Never,_ he’d growled.

She peeled and peeled and then there was skin and she found herself squatting low, staring at the stretched skin of her abdomen. _Han, Han, Han._ It was just skin. It had meant something when he’d looked at it because it was _him_. But it was just skin. She would get them the hell out of there and she would be okay. She took the awful metal contraption and put it on.

_Who are you?_

_Someone who loves you._

_Leia!_

Slipping her pants off, determined and angry – Leia, still.

And Leia, still: chained by her neck and nearly nude, unable and unwilling to hide the protrusion of her stomach, her back straight and eyebrows raised mildly – Leia with her shoulders back, assessing Han’s condition expertly and silently: how quickly he was breathing, how much he was limping, the sweat on his brow, adjusting her plans for his recovery and recalculating his medical needs in her head. Still Leia, smirking a little at Han’s flat “Good, I hate long waits” and feeling a flood of emotion as he squinted and twisted, attempting to be subtle as he was clearly attempting to find her – “Where the hell is Leia? _Leia?!_ ” he’d demanded frantically when they’d brought him in and she’d said she was here and she was Leia, how good it felt to know that, even with every nerve in her body alert and on edge and almost blacking out from hunger. Dignified and purposeful and full of adrenaline, suddenly able to see everything with perfect clarity.

Leia on the barge with her hands folded neatly over her stomach even when she had no slack on the chain on her neck. Leia with her eyes narrowed, watching Luke meticulously. Keeping herself together as they dangled precariously, every muscle taut and prepared – she was a rebel, she could do this, she could––

 _YES,_ definitely Leia choking the hell out of her captor, even though her hands were bleeding and her chest ached from the effort – she was getting perilously close to blacking out from exertion now and yet –

Delirious but –Leia getting cut out of her chain and bolting – grabbing the gunner and shooting – part of the plan, integral, back in the action and then there was Luke, beside her – the hot sun, the sand – the dry dry heat on her exposed skin – _Luke!_ Dressed in dark clothes, so calm, but now so recognizable as he grabbed her forearms, searching her face anxiously.

“Hey-hey-hey,” he was saying as she put a few fingers to her forehead and shut her eyes. “Hey, Leia, you alright? Are you with me?”

“Mmmm…” she murmured, nodding a bit. “Mm, mhm, I’m a little faint…”

“Hold real tight, alright? I’ll hold tight––”

“Oh, a reprisal of our first adventure, mm?”

"Looks like it. You ready? You got a grip?”

She struggled to open her eyes again but did so, squinting, and managed to cling with her bloodied hands to Luke. “Yes, let’s – yes, _go_!”

His arm was tight around her, stronger than she remembered and then they were soared across the sand, her hands hurting terribly, explosions ringing her ears – Jedi Luke, holding her tight, she couldn’t deny that she was very impressed, sort of in a proud mother or big sister way – she couldn’t help but grin at the sound of each explosion…

 _The girls,_ she thought for a fleeting moment. _The girls – they’ll figure it out, right? They’ll figure it out, they’ll all get out of the palace, they will, they must… they––_

But then her thoughts were caught off because suddenly her feet were on the ground of the skiff, speeding away––

“Are you alright?” Luke was asking her, his hands on her shoulders as she doubled over, gasping for breath. “Leia? Leia, are you––”

“Yes, yes,” she gasped out, nodding and shutting her eyes to ward off dizziness. Her hands were bloodying her knees but there was nothing to do about that now. She could feel Luke taking in the ridiculous costume and grimaced slightly.

“Are you really? Is the – housegu––?”

“Still kickin’,” she said, her voice still managing to be all dry irony despite how hard she was breathing. “I just – water, or to sit for a moment but – Han, where is – where’s Han?” Leia forced herself to stand up fully and shielded her eyes – there was sad everywhere and they were speeding so fast it was making her sick, but she could see him, there, on the other edge of the skiff, Chewie supporting him. _Han!_ “Oh thank gods,” she exhaled, still wheezing a bit. “He needs to be – lying down, or… Chewie!” she called over the roar of the wind. “He needs to – we need to get him some water, or––!”

She’d assumed Han himself would be too weak to hear her – he’d pushed through in the adrenaline of the moment but surely he’d all but collapsed by now – and yet suddenly he was stumbling blindly towards her, Chewie roaring and Lando calling after him and walking swiftly – she too walked swiftly towards him, practically ran as best as she could, he needed to stop and sit down before he hurt himself.

“Hey, slow down buddy, slow down,” Lando said, attempting to put his arm around the other man, but he lurched forward, squinting and searching.

“Leia?” he croaked out in her general direction.

“Han,” she said, trying to keep her voice firm as she moved closer and wiping her bloody hands on her thighs so she could hold him more easily. “You need to sit down, please – you’re still very ill, and––” She reached out and put her hand carefully on his upper arm – it was cold and clammy.

“ _Leia_ ,” he said again, his face screwed up and his expression unreadable. He shook her off her hand aggressively. Instead, he reached out, still with that strange expression, and moved his hands roughly over her bare sides––

“Han––” she started, her eyes wide and confused.

And then moving them over, as if for confirmation, the swell of her abdomen, his face going even paler – she felt pale, too – how had he known, to even – how––?

“S’true,” she thought she heard him mutter, his rough hands tracing the curve again, his voice low.

She was absolutely frozen. _Who told him?_ Everyone was silently staring at them, she could feel their eyes, and instead she looked at him intently, swallowing. His touch was so strange – not rubbing or anything like that, but like he was trying to excavate something – blindly determining the shape of her body. “Han, you’re very ill still, you need to––”

“Lei,” he interrupted, ignoring her, and then he clasped her hands together and held them tightly in his before dropping in a sloppy stumble to his knees. “Marry me, alright?” His voice was gasping, his breathing hard, his hold on her hands a bit too tight, like he was trying not to show that she was keeping him upright. He squinted up at her, and she stared down at him, wide-eyed. “You gotta – just – listen, sweetheart, okay––”

“Han,” she interrupted, sinking down to her knees as she watched him grow paler and begin to sway. She flashed _help me_ eyes to the others, who moved to assist. “Han, just sit beside me here, okay? Rest up here – please, you can’t over-exert yourself…”

He shook his head and shook them off, insistent and delirious and clearly very annoyed with her. “No, _you_ got’ listen for a sec – hells, just _listen_ ––” he said, his broken-up voice still frustrated – and his finger, too, coming up to point at her––

The exertion from which led instead to him leaning over her knees and promptly vomiting, while she looked on in shock, beside her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !! Your reviews mean everything! Action isn’t my strong suit, but – we’re in new territory now, yay! So – tell me what you think?


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Onward… There’s more dialogue here and a lot less internal monologue. Leia has a lot of conflicting feelings right now, so I think they’re best represented in this way as opposed to in long paragraphs of contradiction.

“Princess…” Han kept moaning as she struggled to settle him down into the bunk in the med area. “M’fine, m’fine…”

“You’re not fine,” she replied crisply, smiling a little as she brushed back his hair from his forehead. She did her best to hold her grip on him steady as the Falcon lifted off, noting in her head again the surrealness of seeing the ship fly without him at the helm. “Not yet, anyway, but I promise – I will take care of you. Okay? You’re going to be perfectly fine but right now you need to rest…”

“ _You_ need to rest…” he muttered back petulantly. “Swee’eart…”

“Just hold onto me for a second while we lift off and it’s bumpy… shh, there you go,” she said, arranging his arms around her and holding him gently. _Han, Han, Han!_ Every time she got to touch him she felt like singing, screaming. “Breathe through your nose and let me know if you feel you’re going to be sick again.”

He groaned in frustration but still held her tight, and she couldn’t help but sigh softly, closing her eyes as she did so. “What… what’re you wearin’...?”

“It doesn’t matter, just breathe – the bumpy part is almost over…”

"Lei… _no_ …” he groaned into her neck, feeling the outline of the bikini.

“It’s really fine, it was a little embarrassing but everything’s okay now… slow breaths…”  

“What’s––”

His hand went to trace the wound on her neck, and she cringed, grabbing his hand and moving it away. “It’s a bit cut up there, I’ll handle it as soon as you’re situated.”

“M’fuckin’ kill Jabba…”

“Taken care of, but I appreciate the gesture,” she said, twisting to kiss his temple. “Please Han, just shut your eyes for me, relax… everything is okay now, I promise.”

“ _You_ relax, m’fuckin’ – m’take care of _you_ …”

“That’s sweet, love, but maybe not right now.”

“M’fuckin’ – _gods_ … m’take care… okay?” he was mumbling, and then his hands were on her belly again, roughly tracing its expanse as if to try to comprehend it still.

“Han, please don’t do that,” she said, carefully removing his hands. “I don’t like that.”

“Don’ what?” he mumbled as she carefully laid him back down.

“I don’t like when people touch me there,” she explained simply.

He squinted up at her, brow furrowed in confusion. “Huh?”

“I don’t like that. It makes me – it makes me uncomfortable. Okay? Please don’t do that.” Her voice was even but firm.

“Mm… kay…” he muttered, still looking confused. “Whate’er you say, Princess...”

“Just try to be good and sleep for me, alright?”

“Be good an’ – wait – wai, Lei… you gotta – I gotta – you gotta marry me an’––”

“Hush, now. I’m going to get you an IV going and you’ll rest and wake up in a few hours feeling much, much better. Okay? Shh, darling,” she said, and after she did so she kissed his forehead and tensely entered the cockpit before saying, flatly, hands on her hips, “How does he know?”

Both Lando and Chewie refused to meet her gaze because, she figured, of the bikini, but at this point that was the least of her concerns. “Huh?” she said, her throat tight. “Did somebody tell him?”

“He uh, he might’ve just looked and realized, Princess,” Lando offered, looking just to the side of her respectfully. “In the meantime, could we find you some cutters, or…?”

“No, he couldn’t have looked, because he was _blind_ , remember?” she said, frowning even further. “I don’t understand how he knows? He’s _ill_ , the last thing he needs to be worrying about is––” _And I wanted to tell him. I wanted to be the one to tell him, to be able to tell him it would be okay, make sure he didn’t panic..._

 _[It was me.]_ Chewie said, finally looking at her. _[And I don’t regret it, Princess.]_

“Why in gods’ names did you do such a thing,” she asked flatly.

_[They took you away. In our cell, we didn’t know if you were going to live or die, or if we were...]_

“So you thought he needed to know before any untimely deaths that he’d impregnated someone before being frozen?”

_[I thought he needed to know why you might not be able to rescue yourself as easily. Why we might need to plan an escape route that accounted for carrying you, or…]_

“We had a plan! Luke was the plan!”

_[It felt like he needed to know. You could’ve been dead – and if Luke hadn’t come through, you would have been! We needed another plan, me and him––]_

“I didn’t need rescuing!”

 _[What if Jabba had told him? To taunt him? Better to hear from me.]_ Chewie insisted in a huff. _[I told you, I don’t regret it. He needed to know then. He just did. He was going to find out eventually]_

“Obviously! Obviously.” Leia sighed and took a deep breath. “What _exactly_ did you say?”

_[I said, Cub, there’s something you need to know. The Princess is with child.]_

Leia cringed – she hated that phrase _viscerally_. “Fine. And what did he say?”

 _[Something along the lines of – ‘What the fuck? Leia’s_ pregnant _?_ Our _Leia?’]_ Chewie said, doing a rough interpretation of Han’s overdramatic gesticulations and intonation that made her smile in spite of herself. _[I confirmed it, and then he said, I believe, ‘Well who in seven hells is the goddamn father?!’]_

Leia smiled again a little, biting it back once more. She could see him, practically…

_[To which I believe I said, ‘You, you damned moron, you’re the father!’]_

“Oh, Chewie…” she murmured, still smiling just a tad. “You didn’t have to be hard on him… he was coming out of a shock…”

 _[And then he said],_ and here Chewie made a big show of impersonating Han’s typical contemplative recline, leaning back, paws behind his head, face a mix of marvel and confusion, so pitch-perfect even on a Wookiee that she had to laugh, genuinely, until she heard the words that followed: _[‘Shit. Me, a father. Who’d’ve fuckin’ thought.’]_

At which point she felt strangely lonely and very cold.

XX.

Leia was coming back from splashing water on her face in the ‘fresher when she heard the low tones coming from the cockpit. Peering into the blue darkness – they were in night cycle, with Lando on first watch –  she padded delicately towards the hushed, anxious voices. Was that – yes, that was Han, he must’ve woken up while she was in the ‘fresher or maybe he too had been unable to sleep, she wouldn’t know since he’d been mostly confined to the med area while she took his bunk. _There’s a reason for that,_ she thought, peeved. _We didn’t put you there because we thought it’d be fun, we put you there because you need to stay there and let yourself rest and heal._ But just as she was about to enter the cockpit, she heard her name and, of course, paused to listen.

It had been Lando, at the end of a sentence – something something _about Leia._ About Leia what?

“Yeah, pretty much,” Han was saying, his voice still scratchy but sounding much much stronger, thank gods. “An’ m’like. Sleep drunk. Dunno. Feel like I’ve been asleep for…”

“Six months?”

“Well, now that you mention it,” Han deadpanned. “Can’t get out of my head, just lyin’ there… feel mostly fine, anyway. Weak and blurry but. Fine enough. S’making a fuss.”

“Yeah, well, you did puke on her shoes. Let the woman make a fuss a little while longer.”

She could hear Han grumble wordlessly.

“She alright though?” Lando was saying. “The Princess. I mean, she did come on board in that – outfit. She’s okay? Other than the blisters – I mean, no one – touched her or anything?”

“Fuck if I know, I’ve been out this whole time – Kriff, I didn’t even think to ask – _fuck_ , what a goddamn mess.” He sounded genuinely pained, his voice straining, agonizing. “Fuckin’ – _fuck_ …!”

“Hey. Listen, it’s gonna be alright, alright? You’re back, Jabba’s gone, that’s what matters.”

“Sure, I’m ‘back,’” Han snapped, “but fuck, last thing I remember it was six months ago and now all the sudden s’like – you’re pilotin’ the Falcon, the kid’s a goddamn Jedi knight and Leia is _out to here_ , Kriff! _–_ with Luke hangin’ all over her no less…”

“Man, you can’t seriously be thinking about _Skywalker_ right now.”

She could hear Han let out an exasperated huff. “He’s been here, right? While I’ve been…”

“She _risked her life_ to get you back. Damn, she’s spent six months riding all of us, not sleeping, following every lead, one-track mind. _Desperate_ to have you back. She left the Alliance – hell, I bet that if she hadn’t been booted from High Command already? She would’ve lost her spot for this in a second.”

“The fuck? Leia – _booted?_ ”

“Something about her reasoning and cognition. In her ‘condition.’ Skywalker made it seem like she was pretty devastated by it.”

"Yeah, well, about that condition? Han snapped, his voice tenser. “Whose great big bright idea was it to put a goddamn pregnant lady at the front of your rescue mission, huh? She could’ve been – I don’t even – Chewie was supposed to look _out_ for her!”

“Alright, lower your voice… Listen, she didn’t give us much of a choice, buddy.”

She could practically hear Han’s eyebrows fly up. “She’s just scraping five-one and can’t fuckin’ run no more. What, she hold a blaster to your heads and say _fly or I’ll shoot_?”

“I’m telling you, that woman was insistent. Persuasive – you know how she can be.”

“Hell yeah I do,” Han grumbled defensively. “Better than you all.”

“You gotta cool it with the jealousy shit, Solo. She’s got eyes only for you, everyone knows that.”

“It’s not – s’not that I think she has _feelings_ for anyone else, fuck, it’s just – you all have had time to, whatever, _adjust_ to – whatever the hell this shit is and I… fuck. I don’t even know where to – I can’t deal with this. I just – can’t. M’not cut out for this.” She could hear, too, his fingers raking through his hair violently, then his fist coming down hard against the console, and sucked in a breath, shutting her eyes for a moment. _Oh Han…_

“Wh – sweetheart?”

And then there he was, right before her. Looking a lot better, actually – leaning against the doorframe a little, sort of pale and definitely squinting, but not so wobbly.

“You look better,” she said, trying to ignore the way he was staring, still, totally unabashed, at her midsection, his face a combination of awe and horror. “But you really shouldn’t be on your feet, Han.”

“Couldn’t sleep,” he said dismissively, blinking a little and frowning. “What’re you doin’ up? An’ – s’that my shirt?”

“Oh,” Leia said, suddenly embarrassed. “I – I’d been using it as nightclothes since – while you were gone.”

He grunted, nodding a little, still peering at her like she was something he couldn’t quite comprehend, something almost suspicious. “You okay? You need anything?”

“I should say the same to you,” she said evenly, looking at him. (She just wanted to hold him. So badly. She wanted to pretend it was six months ago and jump into his arms and have him kiss her hard and then take her.)

“M’fine,” he said, shaking his head. “Go back to bed, Princess.”

“I couldn’t get comfortable,” she said, moving just slightly closer to him. (Or just take his hand. Even taking his hand would be perfect. Tell him she loved him again, it almost didn’t matter that he hadn’t said it back. Leia from two months ago had imagined a reunion that was like two halves becoming whole and now there was this _thing_ between them, this awful, pain-in-the-ass _thing_ , she wished she could tell him to ignore it because of course he never would be able to just ignore it.) “And I went to get some water, but I heard voices…”

He nodded slowly, still appearing anxious, and rubbed the back of his neck. “You uh. You want me to – to – uh, rub your feet or somethin’?” he offered awkwardly, so obviously grasping at any kind of pregnancy-related straw.

She would’ve laughed if it didn’t make her feel so lonely. The fact that he had no idea what to do to help her... when he used to know her body so well… Much as she would so very much prefer to not be pregnant, much as her fantasies of Han these past two months were fantasies that very pointedly did not include the existence of any fetuses in their lives, there were times, late at night times, when she’d hazily imagine what it would be like, sharing this surreal experience inside her body with someone, with him. Would he know the exact spot on her spine to rub? She’d always called the thing a houseguest, a tenant, words that were cold and alienating on purpose – would he – gods – have some kind of affectionate nickname for it, had he been here?

She shook her head as if to clear it. There was no time for any of that. Han wasn’t sentimental either. Had he been here he would have been freaking out and trying to pretend it wasn’t happening, same as her. There would be no realization of fantasies of a pregnancy shared. And she didn’t want that, anyway – she _loathed_ sentimentality, _especially_ on this subject…

Still, though – would he have taken care of dishes so she could go to bed earlier, listen to her gripe about High Command?

_Stop it. This is Han Solo. You love him for everything he is and everything he isn’t and none of who he is this heteronormative sensitive hubby bullshit. You don’t want that crap anyway. You know you wouldn’t be in this state if you could help it. If he tried any of that sappy shit on you, you would breathe fire._

“No, thank you,” she said politely. “I’ll just go get that water. I do wish you would lie down, though.”

He grunted a little, shaking that off.

“I’ll see you in the morning, then?” she asked, her voice coming out softer than expected. _Han,_ she tried to say to him with her eyes. _Han, I missed you so, so much. I missed you so much_.

“Yeah. I’ll see you,” he said slowly, still watching her carefully. “Get some sleep, alright?”

“Yes, Captain,” she teased gently, saluting.

She looked up at him, hovering awkwardly, watching as he bit his lip. He looked back at her anxiously. She raised an eyebrow. Finally, _finally,_ he bent down and very gently kissed her. His lips so chapped, but still tasting like him. _Han_.

She took the opportunity in the still, quiet moment after to press her cheek against his chest, exhaling contentedly when he carefully put his arms around her. Leia shut her eyes as he rubbed her back so cautiously, his touch feather-light and unsure. Yes, she could stay here forever. If only he would hold her tighter… why was he so nervous…

And then, of course, she felt some insistent movement inside of her and remembered why. (She was pressed up against him when it happened – she wondered vaguely if he could feel it?)

She pulled away finally, giving him another nod and half-smile, before turning to go.

“Leia,” he called suddenly, and she turned back, eyes wide. _I love you, I love you._ He nodded at her and gave her a weak, crooked smile before teasing quietly, “You look good, Princess.”

“Compliments to you, Captain,” she replied evenly, giving him a deep nod and an eyebrow raise in response as relief flooded through her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welllll? Was it what you expected? Not what you expected? They still have a LOT of talking to do so stay tuned. And please do review! Especially if you’ve been following along silently up until now!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short and sweet (and I mean sweet) update but that’s because the next is coming real soon thereafter! I’m over the writer’s block hump and I’ve got updates on this fic planned to come at you fast and furious!

She was finishing getting dressed in the ‘fresher when they spoke next, soon to land on Home One. Looking down at her body as she showered, she couldn’t help but think about the next time Han saw her undressed. Would he cringe internally, see her as some parody of matronly excess, then close his eyes and try to picture her of six months ago before he could touch her? That trip-to-Bespin princess, she was so much more compact and appealing, firm everything, all lines and muscle. Or worse, so much worse – would he find it sexy? Like the look of himself all over her – he made her breasts like this, her abdomen this way? The thing that made people know she wasn’t untouchable after all – some kind of nasty, chauvinistic turn on?

She grimaced, then held her expression frozen to perfect her lipstick, relishing in the rust-red color, so consistent when nothing else was. Flattering. She looked – fine, good even… put together, she just needed some clothes that fit or to tailor things better and she’d practically look like herself again, just with a flight helmet under her uniform.

And then: there he was. “Hey there, sweetheart,” Han said, leaning against the doorframe of the ‘fresher.

“Good morning,” she said warmly, and she moved to kiss him, trying not to notice that he hesitated for just a second before kissing her too. “How are you feeling?”

“Better. Sore, achey, but. Definitely better. How ‘bout you?”

“I’m so glad,” she said seriously, setting the question aside. “We’ll have to get you looked at, but – that’s good to hear.”

He made a noise of distaste, and she kissed him again to silence him, then smiled. “I’m sorry,” she murmured, grinning broadly against his lips, “I’ve just missed doing that.”

“Mm,” he said, rubbing her lower back lightly. “S’been a long time, hasn’t it.”

“For me, yes, very long,” she said, smiling a little and moving forward – only to cringe when her belly brushed up against him, and then scoot back slightly, returning to her makeup.

“Oh, So – also, sight’s back,” he said after a lull with a kind of awkward casualness, looking her over.

She gave a tight smile as she finished up her makeup. “And now at last you’re privy to every curve and contour.”

He made a noise of acknowledgement, leaning back against the doorframe. “Anyway, looks like we’ll be there pretty soon, so – anything else you think I should know, or…? When we touch down?”

 _Everything, everything,_ Leia thought. “No, I don’t think so. Unless there’s someone else you fear you’ve impregnated, or…”

“Heard you uh. Lost your gig, in Command, because of – this whole thing. M’sorry about that, they’re fucking morons––”

“It’s temporary,” she asserted, fixing her hair.

“Yeah. Still.”

“I mean _temporary_ -temporary, not until I’m no longer a rental unit – by now it must be clear that I don’t plan to burrow in a safehouse for the next three months, so. The Rebellion doesn’t have the luxury of pride right now when it comes to deciding whether or not to make use of my skillset.”

“That bad, huh?”

“That even the women have to work?” she teased, her eyes tired.

“That Dodonna and Mon and all the rest might haveta admit they made a mistake.”

“Oh. Yes, I suppose.” She snorted a little. “Yes, that’s a good indicator of how dire things are…”

He shoved his hands in his pockets, then, and gave a jerking nod. “Well, listen. If that’s where you’re gonna be, s’where I wanna be, too. And uh, Chewie comes with, y’know. So if you guys would take on some new recruits…”

Leia couldn’t help but break into a wide smile. “You want to formally enlist.”

“Yeah, I mean, m’gonna try to talk you into the whole go-underground thing so we’ll see, but – if it’s where you an’…” He gestured sort of vaguely to her body, and her smile faded a tad. “Are gonna be, s’where I’ll be too.”

Leia struggled to press her lips together and keep the emotion – and fear, and anxiety – off her face. “That – that means a lot to me,” she said carefully. “I love you very much.”

He nodded once, casual but deliberate. “I love you too, Lei.”

“You don’t have to say that,” she said absently, fiddling with her hair and focusing on her reflection. “Because of the pregnancy, I mean – and also because I’ve said it. I would say it anyway even if you didn’t feel the same way. It’s not a dependent statement, is what I mean. The way I feel about you.”

He gave another slow nod. “Yeah. Well, I’ve loved you for a while. Long before you were knocked up, so. Suppose now it sounds like obligation, but...”

“Oh – ‘knocked up’, there’s something nice about that one,” she quipped, trying to suppress the very broad smile rising to her face. _He loves me, he loves me, he’s loved me for a while._ “Normally people more make oblique references to the princess’s ‘situation,’ so…”

“Very proper.”

“It almost makes it seem like there was never any sex at all. Very sterile.”

“Yeah, about that…” he said, raising his eyebrows. “I thought we…? Feel like we were – _meticulous_.”

“Mm,” Leia said, nodding tightly. “Yes, I’ve spent a lot of time dwelling on this. Bespin, cockpit, ‘fresher.”

“What?”

She twitched her lips slightly. “To be fair, the cockpit is my fault, we weren’t supposed to be there, I insisted, you might not remember much, we were very drunk.”

He snorted. “S’that when you wanted to uh, ‘see stars’?”

“I do recall something like that, yes.”

“So that’s cockpit, and then – what was it you said?”

"We didn’t use condoms that time in the cockpit, or in the ‘fresher, or in Cloud City.”

“ _Fuck_ ,” he said simply, rubbing his jaw, then his neck. “Kriffin’... fuck.”

“Yes, well, that’s what I said. But Han, we can talk more about that later. We can – we can talk more about everything, later. When we have some more time, to ourselves.”

“Right. Yeah, I mean – I’m sorry I’m still catchin’ up, I just – I wanna let you know I mean it when I say I’m with you all the way, I––”

“Of course, Han,” she assured him awkwardly, giving a half smile then jerking as they began to rapidly descend. She grabbed the doorframe, and he grabbed the doorframe and then grabbed her, squeezing her shoulder. She felt her stomach lurch in a panic – everything was suddenly happening, _now_.

“Y’alright? Y’gonna be sick?” he asked worriedly.

“No no, you missed that – okay, listen. Catching you up, what you came in here for – you need to know that in addition to me not being on High Command anymore, Mon and I are not on wonderful terms – Rieekan and I, it’s complicated but we’re quite close still – Evaan and I aren’t speaking and I have no friends to speak of other than Luke. So, about business as usual. I wouldn’t swagger too much when you arrive, it isn’t that you’re arriving in disgrace or anything like that, everyone is well-aware of what you endured at Vader’s hands, but things are dire right now, effort-wise, and smugness is not quite… as amusing as it once was – I’ll take all of that, save it all for me – and in particular Han I would so, so appreciate if you didn’t make jokes about my – condition, it’s just – it’s something I’m very private about, in case you haven’t noticed. And it would be nice if you could cooperate with medical – it’s not that I want to police your behavior but I am trying to get back into everyone’s good graces and we happen to be inextricably – intertwined – I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it is right now––”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll be on my best behavior – wait, Verlaine? S’up with Verlaine?”

Leia inhaled heavily. _Oh, you know, she thinks I’m betraying Alderaan, facilitating cultural genocide and erasing the memory of the monarchy and in turn my parents by committing to adoption, nothing new._ “It’s very complicated.”

“‘Cause for the record, I can fend off jealous exes any day.”

“But you’re not the jealous type,” she said skeptically, smirking.

“How ‘bout m’not the _ex_ type, sweetheart, not for you,” he said, voice low, practically smoldering, and she took his cue and leaned forward again and kissed him hard.

He kissed her hard too but hesitated for a moment, she could tell, to adjust to the new way she felt pressed up against him, then seemed to accept it and move on, settling his hands on her waist, then lower – she threaded hers tight in his hair and sighed at the feeling of his lips, urgent against hers.

He was kissing her more passionately now, letting her press him against the door frame, grabbing her ass then moving his hands to her breasts and groaning into her mouth as he took in their new shape, lips moving to her neck. Mumbling there, “I love you…”

“I love you too,” she gasped, and for a second it was six months before, passionate and reckless and with all the time in the world.

And then, there, sharp and real right at the front of her abdomen, a houseguest’s very insistent jab – which, she realized, startled as he pulled back, he could feel, too.

She saw him swallow hard and look at her, eyes wide with surprise and panic, and she felt herself flush, mortified. “Just ignore it,” she murmured, reaching her arms back to rest around his neck and standing on her tiptoes to kiss his jaw. “Mmm… just ignore it, that’s what I do…”

He peered at her, his expression confused and maybe a little perturbed but otherwise unreadable, before giving a hesitant, jerking nod and kissing her again, six months ago and sexy, until they’d tumbled gracelessly into landing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really appreciate all of your wonderful comments! Enjoy this easiness between them while it lasts…


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy this big chapter! Lots of discussion as we move into the next stage of our story…

When they touched down it was all commotion, and for once, Leia was grateful for it. It gave her more time to think, and plan. It did upset her to be separated from him, even momentarily, after all this time – but on the other, more guarded, more realistic hand, hand, now she had a moment to figure out exactly, exactly what she was going to say to him. So, when medical hustled him away and then they both were taken off to High Command for separate debriefs, she was – stressed, but not devastated.

Her own debrief, still, was definitely a sore point. To sit opposite the entire array of importance from which she’d been exiled… Just two months ago, _she_ had led these sessions, was well-regarded for her compassionate and articulate way of speaking that allowed her to tease out even the most intimate of traumas and treacheries. Now she folded her hands neatly and answered in a flat, unemotional tone, her lips pressed into a firm line when she wasn’t speaking, nodding crisply. When they asked for her recounting of her time as Jabba’s slave, she was sharp when Dodonna continued to prod her for details: “Would you prefer holos, Jan? Would you like me to describe what I was wearing?”

At least Carlist and Mon looked faintly – well, ill wasn’t the word, but definitely… contrite. Something about the indignity of a pregnant woman stripped and groped, maybe? As though by becoming a temporary home for another being it was more deserving of respect than the bodies of other women. As if other slaves were not degraded by their servitude. Maybe she would prefer if they weren’t contrite. Did she have to be stripped to be worthy of sympathy? Where was their sympathy when she was begging at their feet for clearance to obtain a sixteen-week abortion? (Well – Carlist’s sympathy had been there, and his aid. But Mon… it wasn’t so much that her mentor was angry at her but that she was disappointed. Had she mentored other young women who had become pregnant? Seen this thing before? Leia didn’t love that a voice in her head insisted _I am not like any other young woman,_ it was so narcissistic, but yet… Disappointed. Yes. Not looking at her eyes recently, not looking at her abdomen, not looking at her ever – just… But Han was here now. She didn’t need anyone who was going to treat her like shit for a few forgotten condoms and an irregular period.)

(As long as he didn’t treat her like shit for that.)

Which was, in fact, exactly what she was trying to figure out – where he stood, on this whole thing. She knew that he – if not loved her (although he had said that, hadn’t he – how good that had felt!) then certainly felt loyal to her, that he wanted to marry her out of obligation if nothing else – some Old World streak in him, trying to protect her virtue? Whatever it was, it was comforting.

And it was also comforting, of course, that he loved her. He _loved_ her.

But also scary because – if he wanted to marry to her to protect her virtue, that was because he thought – assumed – he was saving her from being a single mother. And she was not planning on becoming a single mother. …Or much of a mother at all. Any mother at all.

Even though it had been two months since she’d come to this decision, she still didn’t like admitting it explicitly to herself. Not out of any shame, or reluctance, or anything like that. But just because it made it really hard to pretend that none of this was happening, that it was happening constantly, that she was bigger now than she was two months ago, that she would get bigger still – that in three months she would have to birth an _infant_ , there would be an infant, exploding from her, needing parents... parents she couldn’t be. A mothering she couldn’t provide. Not enough, even if she wanted to.

Damn all these hormones, that made her so sentimental and tired. She leaned against the hallway outside of the briefing room heavily, rubbing her lower back. She was just getting ready to shut her eyes and try for a standing nap when she heard boots clicking, then settling before her, and––

“Princess – I heard you’d returned,” Evaan Verlaine said, looking at her with wide eyes – or, eyes as wide as Evaan’s could get, since her standard expression was notoriously mild and unimpressed.

“I did in fact make it back in one piece, yes,” Leia said, trying to keep her voice even.

“I heard Captain Solo was successfully rescued.”

“He was. He’s right in there, actually,” Leia said, providing a tight smile.

“You must feel relieved.”

“I do.” Leia cringed slightly at the phrase.

“I was surprised to hear you’d gone at all. I’m glad you were able to receive clearance and that everyone got home safely.”

Leia raised her eyebrows, surprised – from Evaan, that was practically an outpouring of emotion. “Well, I didn’t receive clearance, actually. I just – went.”

“You,” Evaan said, smiling faintly. “ _You_ went without clearance.”

“Haven’t you heard? I’m not up to Alliance standards,” Leia said flatly. “In fact, I remember you telling me as much. Or – Alderaanian standards, at least.”

“Princess…”

“Just stop, please, you made it very clear you want nothing to do with me last time we spoke.”

“It’s not that I want nothing to do with you, it’s that I found our time together was becoming mutually unproductive because of our – ideological differences, but what I wanted to say was––”

“ _Ideological differences_ wherein you consider me selfish and disrespectful of my mother’s memory––”

“Princess. We were – we all were. So worried, when you took off. I was so glad to hear you – to hear you and Captain Solo had returned safely. Please,” Evaan said seriously.

“Well, I’m glad.”

“I just – all I wanted to say, was. I imagine it might be difficult to adjust to having him return and I wanted to say that despite everything I am loyal to you as your––”

“Former lover?” Leia offered, giving a faint smile.

“Subject, and friend, was what I was going to say,” Evaan said, rolling her eyes a bit before growing serious again. “What I mean is: I heard Skywalker went elsewhere and I just – I know it is important to your wellbeing that you not become isolated… I’m here to talk, is what I’m saying. I’m here if you need me. Especially if Solo––”

“He isn’t unreliable like you think,” Leia said, narrowing her eyes. “He’s going to enlist.”

“I know. I trust your judgement, you know that – if you say he’s a good man I will believe you. You’re the smartest woman I’ve ever met. I meant – if you find he has some trouble adjusting to everything. And you need. A confidante. Or just – someone else, it isn’t right to have only one person to turn to and I – I miss you,” she admitted with what Leia knew was a struggle, to be even the slightest bit vulnerable. “I regret that I – have been absent, in your time of need. I really, really want to make amends…”

Leia exhaled heavily. “Thank you.”

“I also wanted to tell you, it might make sense for you to reach out to––”

And then there was Han, suddenly, rubbing his neck and appearing out of the briefing room. “Hey, Lei,” he said, placing a protective (possessive?) hand on her lower back. “Verlaine,” he acknowledged, raising his eyebrows.

“Glad to have you back, Captain Solo,” Evaan said seriously, reaching out and shaking his hand firmly.

“Glad to be back,” he replied evenly. “Hope I’m not interrupting anything? Reaching out to…?”

“Right, I’m sorry – I wouldn’t want to put any more delays on your reunion,” Evaan said in her earnest yet solemn way. “I just wanted to let you know, Princess, that you might want to reach out to Stella and Lou when you have a moment – they were worried to hear you’d taken off so abruptly.”

And Leia felt all the blood abruptly drain from her face.

“Please think about what I said,” Evaan continued, reaching out to take Leia’s hand and squeezing it seriously, before saying, “It was good to see you, Captain Solo,” and heading down the hall.

“Stella who and what?” Han said, frowning confusedly.

“It’s so very complicated, Han, I promise we’ll get there. We should talk,” Leia said in a faint, tired voice. “We should – are you up for it? How are you feeling, how did your medical exam go?”

“Yeah we can talk, ‘course, let’s head to your place,” he said, still frowning. “And it was fine – I mean, poked and prodded and all that, but basically they said ‘long as I don’t strain myself for the next few days, should be all fine…”

“That’s good,” Leia said genuinely as they headed down the hall. “That’s – oh, that’s so _good_ to hear.”  

“What about you?” he asked, frowning worriedly. “You cleared? They check you out, do a — what’s it called…”

“No sono, we don’t have that sort of equipment here, but I’ve been cleared and I’m fine, the pregnancy is — fine,” she promised, giving a smile she hoped was reassuring. “Did they give you any medication, or say anything else?”

“They don’t have that sort of equipment?” he echoed skeptically. “The hell?”

“It’s a military base, not an obstetrician’s,” she dismissed lightly. “It’s fine, I’ve managed.”

“Can’t spend a second getting the face of the rebellion a damn sono?”

“You forget I’m not fit to be its face anymore, Solo,” she teased, but she could see he was peeved and that — worried her, if she were being honest — she _had_ gotten along fine, with military doctors and some basic information easily accessible, didn’t he trust her to know her own situation, to be capable?

“So like. Y’don’t know if it’s – I mean, s’everything okay? All healthy and…”

“I have no reason to believe it isn’t,” she said in a voice she hoped was reassuring. “I mean, it’s clearly active within me, so.”

“Right,” he said, brow still furrowed. “Still. Seems like maybe ‘could get you off-world to see a doc or _something_. Get you some clothes of your own your size while you’re at it.”

“Maybe,” she allowed, giving him a small smile. “You’re feeling well though? Promise me.”

“Totally ‘well,’ sweetheart,” he said as she palmed them into her tiny, sparse quarters.

“Sit, please,” she said, gesturing to the couch, swallowing hard then smiling shakily.

“Hey,” he said, coming towards her instead, but she just smiled tightly and waved him back. “Hey, what’s wrong? Princess…”

“I just – I need to gather my thoughts. I – pregnancy brain, mind fog.”

“Princess… I told you, I’ll support you, alright? Freakin’ me out to see you freaked out like this… I swear I’m not mad or anything, m’not. Just sorry I haven’t been here – been here for you.”

“Han. That isn’t it, I promise.”

“Dunno what the hell Verlaine was sayin’ to you but I’ll _be here_ , alright? For you and the baby. Swear,” he said, looking at her nervously, and her voice caught in her throat when she tried to speak. _You and the baby._ She wanted to throw up. _You and the baby… the baby… the baby…_ How to tell him she couldn’t think of any _baby_ , any _her and the baby_ , herself with a baby…

“Han,” she said finally, sitting beside him on the couch and setting a hand on his knee. “That’s so – that means so much to me.”

“You gotta tell me what’s bothering you. Okay? Just at least to – catch me up, or something, or at least – what was Verlaine coming at you about, Stella something and someone? Someone else giving you shit?”

 “Evaan wasn’t coming at me,” she said, inhaling deeply and then exhaling. “The names she said were the. Ah. The intended adoptive parents.”

She was looking at a place just past his shoulders when he finally spoke. “I don’t – m’confused. Adoptive…?”

“For the houseguest – when I found out two months ago, I came to Carlist and––”

“Houseguest? What the – two months ago, what’re you – _adoptive_ ––?”

“The – the – the _baby_ ,” she ground out, “The houseguest, it’s what I’d taken to – how it’s referred to.”

“M’confused, Leia, help me out,” he said seriously. “What’s going on?”

“Um,” she said, biting her lip and staring now into the remains of her lap. “Um, I didn’t realize I’d become pregnant until – sixteen weeks, thereabout. It was – a surprise, to say the least, I was – upset, really upset, which I think is understandable, because I knew I could not, would not be able to have a baby – nor did I _want_ to, right then and there, which I also think is fair! I think that’s fair, I was alone and––”

“Leia. Of course it’s fair, Kriff,” he said, rubbing his neck. “I’d be more – freaked out, if you said you were – immediately thrilled, honestly, but then, I mean – why…?” She shut her eyes and he inhaled before saying anxiously, “I don’t know, if Alderaan, has some – with – I didn’t wanna assume but––”

“No, it doesn’t, I mean my mother might have, but I didn’t. I don’t. In fact I feel very strongly about abortion rights, but – but,” Leia said, sighing. “But. Sixteen weeks was too far for the medical version, the pill, that they had in medical, and we were on very, very strict lockdown that month – it was awful, the Empire was – well. The point being, I – I went to Jan and all but begged for clearance to go get a surgical, elsewhere, and I was. Denied. Because of the lockdown.” Her face burned at the memory. “And then I went to Carlist, and he said he knew of a couple, who wanted to adopt, and… and here we are.”

He was looking at her in near-horror, clearly disturbed. “They fuckin’ – they _forced_ you, to have a baby? They fuckin’––”

“It was out of their hands and I should’ve known earlier, I should have noticed – but the couple, they’re very sweet – I haven’t met them in person, but from what Carlist says––”

“Jan fucking Dodonna forced you to stay fucking pregnant against your goddamn fucking will?”

“Han. Please, I don’t want to – to dwell, it was a very difficult time and––”

“Hell yeah it was a difficult time! What the fuckin’… _Kriff_. That’s sick. It’s sick.”

“It’s not – the thing is, I try to think about the fact that I was adopted, and what a gift that was, to have been placed into my family, and I feel – maybe not at peace, but at least – I can tolerate the situation knowing I will. I will give that to another. Pay it forward.”

“Well, yeah, but you don’t really gotta anymore, right?”

Leia frowned deeply. “I don’t know, Han, I wouldn’t feel comfortable terminating at this point, even if we could find somewhere to have it done safely – it just wouldn’t feel right.”

He frowned even more. “No, yeah, no I meant…” He was peering at her, confused at her confusion, taken aback. “I mean you’re not – alone, anymore. So you don’t have to – pay it forward, or whatever.”

“… what?”

“’Cause m’here now,” he said slowly, frowning deeply and catching her eye. “’Cause I told you, I’d stand by you – support you.”

“But I still. I.” She looked back at him, blinking. “I mean – do you – do you _want_ to have a baby, right now? Han – I mean…” She smiled confusedly at him, trembling a little.

“I mean, ‘course not _want,_ like not my first-choice plan, but that’s the situation, and––”

“But that’s been the situation, this whole time,” Leia said slowly. “It doesn’t make sense to just automatically accept it.”

“I mean, yeah, but like – I mean – m’here now and – look princess, just be straight with me. What’s going on?”

“I don’t – I don’t _know_ ,” she said, and she cursed internally at how her throat tightened. “Everyone wanted me to believe you were dead, I knew you weren’t, I didn’t know when you’d be back, when we’d be able to rescue you, if it would be _years_ – we’d only just gotten together, there’s no end in sight for this war, and Carlist said––”

“I dunno, Leia, I just know I would’ve killed to know my parents, Kriff––”

“You would’ve killed to _have_ parents, _real_ parents,” she corrected, “Who cared for you and loved you and could provide for you ­– not just the people who made up your DNA––”

“Alright, but like – I mean, what the hell, princess? You’re not seriously talkin’ about like – giving our baby to some random strangers just because,” he said with a harsh, disbelieving laugh, and Leia brought her hands to her face in an attempt to keep her emotions in check.

“That isn’t – that isn’t what I said,” she said in a small voice, trying to breathe slow. “I said I don’t know anymore. I said everything’s changed and it’s very complicated.”

“Yeah I know, I just,” he snapped, reaching out and putting a hand on the side of her abdomen, and she lurched back instinctively.

“Please, none of that,” she said. “I just – I think I’m feeling more tired than I thought, and maybe––”

“Fuck, Leia, I didn’t mean to be like that, I just – I’ve just been really – just trying to catch up. Okay? Cut me some slack, m’trying to catch up. I said I’d support you and I mean that. Thing is I’ve spent every minute since Chewie told me tryna wrap my head around becoming a father, alright? Every minute. Talked myself into every aspect of it, how it’d be okay, so I’d be able to do what you wanted, ‘cause Lei I mean – when you’re out to here,” he indicated her belly again, “It sorta. Looks like it’s what you wanted. Alright?”

“Right,” she said slowly. “Right, I can see that.”

“So that’s where I’ve been, okay? S’not like I’m attached to – one thing or another I just – I really thought. I really thought for a while there that this is what you wanted.”

“Right now, what I really want is to just – ignore all this, please. I want to just – I want it to be like Bespin, please. Just – easy.”

“I mean we gotta, eventually, y’know… I mean, can’t just _ignore_ …”

“I do it every day,” she said with a faint half-smile.

“Yeah I don’t – I don’t’ know if I can do that, Princess, I mean fuck…” He gestured again, and she grimaced.

“Try harder,” she said seriously. “Please. You want to support me and that’s what I need. In order to get through the day-to-day, the hour-by-hour – I can’t dwell on it, I can’t think on it too much. Just – try harder.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your reviews are the best! Please keep them coming!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly shorter update but once my exams are done I’ll be back coming at you frequently! Thanks for not giving up on me, guys!

By now, Leia was used to being looked at. As a princess, her moves were deliberate and layered with political significance. As one of the few women in the rebellion, she could feel eyes constantly tracking her with skepticism and, yes, sometimes desire – although she knew the desire was more projection than anything else, Leia a stand-in for the woman waiting for them they _really_ wanted. And this past month, when she’d been visibly – in a situation, she could practically feel people jumping out of her way before she could even see them, then staring at her once they thought she couldn’t see.

None of that felt quite like this.

Both of them were decently hungry, so they’d decided to head down to mess; she didn’t have the heart to tell him she often avoided it because she felt so alienated and looked at, sitting alone. And though he seemed a little surprised by it, Leia had immediately taken his hand as they walked down the halls. When he’d raised his eyebrows, she’d said wryly, “You forgot that everyone already knows that the smuggler got the princess, in the end.”

“Yeah, well. Since I got you, wouldn’t mind havin’ you again.”

“My schedule is very clear these days,” she said casually. “If you’ll pardon that everything isn’t quite how you left it.”

He shook his head, as if disbelieving. “Said it before and I’ll say it again. You look _good_ , sweetheart.”

“I look like yours,” she corrected wryly.

“Nah. You look––”

“Glowing?” she teased.

“Healthy. And uh. Y’know. You uh…” He rubbed the back of his neck with a crooked smile and made an ambiguous gesture.

“Would you believe it’s actually easier to find a brassiere now? Because I finally have breasts to speak of.”

“Oh, they were spoken of before. Don’t worry, sweetheart.”

“Charming,” she said, but she was smiling. Finally they walked past some people, and true to form they stared – but Leia just squeezed his hand tighter and tipped up her chin almost triumphantly.

“You know, there was a time when you didn’t wanna be seen as having been alone with me,” he said, grinning and lopping an arm around her.

"Yes, well. We’ve obviously been alone together,” she quipped, but then surprised him again by pausing to kiss him, full on, in the middle of the hallway.

"I love you,” he muttered, grinning enormously when she pulled away.

“Would you say it just a bit louder?” she teased. “The whole galaxy seems to think you cut your losses and ran, so…”

“‘Scuse me?”

“Because once you got what you wanted, why hang around with such a frigid shrew, right?” she said casually, rolling her eyes.

“No one fuckin’ dared––”

“Not to my face, but I heard rumors. It wasn’t judgement on you, Han – it was about me, I’m sure. How insufferable…”

“So now you wanna make sure everyone knows you’ve got me wrapped around your finger, huh?” he muttered.

“I don’t want anyone to think I’m ashamed to be with you. Or, yes, I suppose, to think I’m so unlovable that my boyfriend would swan dive into carbonite to avoid a pregnancy.”

“Your boyfriend, huh?”

There Leia flushed, really flushed. “I don’t know. I’m sorry, that sounds – trivial, or…”

As they stepped into the mess hall, both very away of all of the eyes on them and the whispering, Han said casually, “Dunno, my puking self was pretty intent on making you my wife.”

“Please don’t be embarrassed – I know you were just ill.”

“Nope, s’not it,” he continued, all Solo ease, filling his tray. “F’I was gonna have a kid I’d want to marry you now. F’you really wanna go through with – whatever this is you think you wanna go through with – I’ll just – dunno, marry you later.”

“It’s not a _think_ , Han,” she admonished lightly, but she still smiled.

"Yeah,” he muttered, shaking his head, “Whatever.”

“Han...” she said, and when they finished filling their trays she grabbed his hand once more. It was like she couldn’t stop touching him – every time she looked at him, she felt a little warmer, like she needed to be a little closer, like he was radiating heat.

“Where you wanna sit, sweetheart?”

“I would like to sit,” she said, looking up at him – handsome, rugged, frowning and squinting at the hall before them, unimpressed by everything and looking so _cool_ , “wherever you are sitting.”

“One of those babymaking hormones also make you a sap?” he muttered, giving her a crooked half-smile.

“Something like that,” she said, leaning against him a bit, as if to get some of that heat. “Anyway. I normally sit alone.”

“‘Course you do,” he muttered, rolling his eyes as they sat down in her usual private spot.

“What’s that supposed to mean, Captain?”

“Always so certain no one wants you around that you cut yourself off from everyone.”

“I don’t know,” Leia said, picking at her food. “Much like after Alderaan, I think people just look at me and feel – sad.”

“Well. I sure as hell don’t,” he insisted, digging into his food. “Ugh. Same old crap six months later, huh?”

“Worse, really,” she said, giving a half smile. “Oh, actually – Han, if you could try to eat – tha-at, yes – as quickly as possible – I’m sorry, I should’ve told you, the smell – I can’t do any cooked green things right now…”

He widened his eyes a tad, but casually got up and scraped the offending item into the trash. When he returned, he shook his head.

“What?” she asked.

“You’re just – _fuck_ , you really are pregnant, sweetheart.”

“I am. I really am.”

“ _Fuck_ ,” he said again, ducking his head and shaking it. “Well, alright – now I’ve got an excuse to nag you, right? Go on, go an’ – eat for two, whatever.”

"You’re unbelievable,” she murmured, but she was smiling a bit in spite of herself, and she did eat. It was almost like – gods – it was almost like some weird domestic fantasy, plopped right in the middle of the war. Talking and laughing and squeezing his hand, she was able to ignore the whispering and pointing. Even though she could tell that he could not. He would grin at her, tease her, even reach out and tuck loose hair into her braids, but he was also looking around, glancing behind her head and nodding when he saw someone he recognized, trying to gauge how folks were treating her.

“Hey,” he said suddenly when they walked back to her place, clearing his throat and leaning back, rubbing the back of the neck. “They uh. They in here? They around?”

“What?”

“They – Stella an’ – what’s the guy’s name – the, you know, the folks you wanna give the baby to,” he said distractedly.

“Oh,” she said, nodding slowly. “Stella and Lou – yes, wellI haven’t met them in person, so I wouldn’t know, but they have their own little apartment because they’re a couple, and Lou is high ranking, so I can’t imagine they still eat in mess. And – ah, they’re both women, Han.”

His surprised, slight nod was unreadable, something kind of like – _well, that’s something at least._ Right – because they wouldn’t have a child on their own, because he knew she was bi, although maybe that would be threatening in its own way... And maybe – well, would it be somehow emasculating, possibly, to give another man his own…? No, she couldn’t think about this.  

“You gonna meet ‘em?”

“I think so.” For some reason, her heart was pounding anxiously. He was mad at her now, wasn’t he? “I’d like for you to come with me,” she blurted out. “When I do.”

He nodded thoughtfully, still kind of looking off into space. “Whatever you want.”

“Han. Come back to me?” she said, palming them into the door and touching his face so he’d look at her. “Han – you know I can’t possibly take care of a child right now.”

“I’m just tryna wrap my head around everything, alright,” he said evasively. “Look, I’m gonna support you – fuck, Leia, I wanna – I wish I could just…. I feel like such a fuckin’.”

 _Get me that abortion a few months ago?_ “I know,” she promised, resting her hand on his chest.

He shook his head harshly. “You know what I feel like? Honestly, babe? I feel like I ruined your whole life.” He gave a harsh laugh, rubbing the back of his neck again. “I feel like I ruined your whole goddamn life.”

“You did not ruin my life,” she said seriously, setting her other palm on his chest as well. “You have in fact helped save my life on numerous occasions.”

He gave another harsh laugh, shaking his head again, almost jerking it, clearly actually – upset, shaken up, she’d only seen him like that once or twice. “You’re fuckin’ miserable. You don’t want this. They’re not lettin’ you do the work you gave your whole life for. Just… _Leia,_ ” he practically groaned out, his voice husky and horrified.

“It isn’t how I would’ve planned things,” she said delicately, “but if it’s a byproduct of having gotten to be with you, I don’t regret it.”

“Yeah, alright,” he sort of scoffed, his throat almost tight.

“I did have a very good time in the ‘fresher,” she murmured. “For what it’s worth.”

He shook his head, all _You’re unbelievable, Princess._

“And in the cockpit… in Cloud City, as well…”

“Yeah alright, Leia. I think m’damn good in bed but not _that_ good to be worth all this.”

“I don’t know,” she said, delicate. “I think the ‘fresher was the first time you did that one thing that I ultimately enjoyed, so…”

There was his smug smile, albeit accompanied by a snort. “Yeah, but that’s not what got you pregnant, baby.”

“How did that go again?”

He was smiling fully now, woolfishly, accepting her invitation of _Let it go, ignore it for now, can we talk about it later._ “Gettin’ you pregnant or gettin’ you off otherwise?”

“Either. Both.”

“Hmm…”

“I mean I’ve been relying on merely memory for months now, so…”

“You’ve been tryin’ to remember, huh?”

“If you think I haven’t orgasmed in six months then you are severely misinformed on pregnancy hormones and their effects...”

“You’re fuckin’ unreal,” he mumbled, kissing her neck. “L’see if we can remember, huh?”

“I only wish,” she murmured, moaning softly, “that I looked a bit more,” another moan, “like I did…” and another, “back then.” He pulled away, and she looked up at him as he gripped her upper arms seriously. “So it would be easier to imagine we were there,” she finished, licking her lips and frowning.

“How many times do I gotta tell you I like the way you look, huh?” he said, his voice low.

“You like the way my breasts look, and the surprise is they’re so sensitive it’s not even––”

“S’not your breasts,” he said in that same low voice, then laughed a little, almost as an afterthought. “Though I mean, they are…”

“Han.”

“You look. Listen – s’might not be… don’t get mad at me alright but damn sweetheart. Y’look like you’re mine.”  

 She kissed him hard. (She didn’t get mad.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter we’ll go back to having other characters – I just wanted to get them to a real much-deserved reunion. As always: review, review, review! Even/especially if you’ve been following along and haven’t said anything until now. Even the smallest, shortest notes really do motivate me to write faster!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooh! What’s this? A chapter from Han’s perspective? Could it be? This chapter pushes at the T rating a little bit but it should be fine.

He’d held her like this too many times for him to count – or, actually, now that he thought about it, he probably could count them, if he thought hard about it – but never before had he been the one wide awake afterwards. Was it a pregnancy thing, maybe, that she seemed sleepy and dazed as hell? Whatever it was, it didn’t explain why he was wide awake. That would be because he couldn’t stop thinking. Moments before, even, tracing every curve, then with his hands tight on her hips as she rode him – looking up at her and still feeling something like – _what? What?_

He was spooning her gently, his hand resting casually on her midsection, staring at the wall. It was always cramped on the Falcon and here was no different, although he had to admit the curve of her stomach made things even moreso. From what he could tell, she was dozing lightly – afterwards, she murmured about how much she missed him, how he made her feel like herself, kissing him affectionately, but then she was out. With his other hand, he fretted some of the loose hairs back into her downy halo of braids. Had he still seriously never seen it all the way down? Maybe he _should_ marry her now, just so he could do that.

 He sighed, letting his fingers travel lightly over her belly. The stretched skin there was really sunburnt, and he grimaced. Gods. Jabba, that goddamn outfit, those bastards who’d leered at a pregnant woman stripped and in chains. Sick fucks, all of them. His fault. Their fucking fault, too, Chewie and Lando and Luke, who let her push them around. But mostly his. Had he even asked her if she was alright?

He settled his hand in place and stroked lightly with his thumb, frowning. She’d probably never let him do that if she were awake, huh? Were those the rules. It was hard to keep up. It was _really_ hard to keep up. It wasn’t even like he wanted to so bad – he wasn’t so sentimental, he didn’t even know how he felt about the whole thing other than that he wanted to do right by her, it wasn’t like that. But he hated feeling like there were all these damn _rules_ with her – just like there had been before. Shit they weren’t allowed to talk about, shit he couldn’t say. That wasn’t okay with him.

Abruptly, he felt something under his hand, and it was – surreal, to say the least. He rubbed the spot a bit, and it happened again. He couldn’t help himself, exhaling, “Shit.”

Apparently Leia wasn’t asleep, though, because she murmured quietly, “Yes, it does that.”

“Huh,” he said, rubbing again and starting again when he felt the movement once more.

“Oh, stop now…” she breathed.

“You know it’s the middle of the afternoon, right?” he said, smirking a little.

“I don’t care, I’m trying to sleep,” she murmured, nuzzling back into him a bit. “I missed you so much.”

“Yeah. I missed you too,” he answered automatically. He kissed her hair and held her a little tighter, frowning more deeply.

“What did it feel like?” she asked lazily. “Did it hurt? Not after, but while you were – inside.”

“Just a big ol’ gaping nothing,” he said. “Dunno. Can’t explain it. How bout this?” he asked, moving his hand to follow the – whatever it was, quasi-foot, fist, whatever.

“You know how it feels under your hand? When he kicks?”

“Yeah.”

“It feels like that, except inside your uterus,” she quipped, and he snorted.

“Makes sense.”

“Mhm,” she said, yawning a little. “Or like carrying around every bad thought anyone has ever had about you, every doubt? And then all of that giving you a little nudge and saying – _I’m here, I’m here!_ ”

“Shit, princess.”

“Is this what it’s going to be like?” she mused, not urgent but also not as lazy anymore, as she rolled over to face him. “For three months – every conversation, back to the bantha in the room?”

“Kriff Leia, you’ve had months, I’ve had seventy-two damn hours!”

“It wasn’t meant to be an accusation.”

“Well it felt like it,” he muttered as she sighed and rested her head against his chest. He moved his hand to the small of her back automatically, and he could feel her sigh again, warm breath. On the way to Bespin, he’d loved this time with her, when he’d been awake for it. Sated and sleepy, she’d murmur about her family back home, girlfriends past. Post-orgasmic Leia could get a question like _What’s it feel like for two girls?_ and answer it for real rather than widening her eyes indignantly. She could say _do you want to know what I like about you?_ And when he said _sure_ spin words that made him feel more confident than any space travel record ever could. Sophisticated, sleepy, sated Leia like a long card, expressive and sincere and articulate, _I like that your humor is good-natured, that you not only do not hurt people but have little interest in doing so, that it would never occur to you_ – like the weird kinds she wrote to all of them for their birthday’s, did she know he’d kept ‘em? _Captain Solo – Another year and you remain here, despite your many threats to leave. On this day of days let me count the ways in which I am in your debt, such that I may never have to do so again unless, of course, you stay another year more…_ All signed the same way – _Will all my best wishes for every good thing, L._ All the right words to ruin him, make him feel so good he was wrecked, when he felt he could barely ever get a sentence out. _Fuck she’d be a good mom someday,_ he remembered thinking, _If she lives that long,_ and now as with then he thought – _Don’t you go down that path, Solo._ She wrecked him. He was so worried that he’d ruined her? Fuck, she’d totally wrecked him.

“Hmm… you’ve gotten her riled up, I think,” she said lightly, like it was no big thing. “Now sleep is out for me. Nice work, flyboy. Well, it _is_ the middle of the afternoon.”

The minute she said _her_ it became a girl, like _their_ girl, and he thought _Fuck, Leia, why’d you have to do that to me? Why’d you have to ruin me again?_ “Thought you didn’t know whether––?”

“It’s more convenient to alternate, it’s for the best. But yes, I don’t know. I mean she could have three arms and I wouldn’t know. So sex seems relatively minor in comparison.”

“Seems like the best would be to know if it had three arms. Or if anything else was going on––”

“Well, we all make sacrifices.”

“Your birth mom died in childbirth, sweetheart––!”

“You really know how to make a girl feel special, Captain,” she quipped glumly. “I know, Han. I’ve been over all of this many times.”

“Well okay, but like I said, m’catching up, you can’t be _mad_ ––”

“I’m not mad. I’ve come to terms with everything – I _have_ , don’t you give me that look – and I really think the lack of knowledge is something of a blessing, it maintains some distance – I have no interest in finding out, in some ways I would prefer if they just whisked it away and I never knew.”

He stared at her. _Whisked it away? You don’t even want to know if it’s a girl or not?_ “That sounds awful,” he said flatly.

“Yes, but it seems – protective,” she said seriously. “Selfish but protective, protecting – mm…” she yawned a little, blinking blearily at him, “protecting my heart…”

“It sounds awful, Lei,” he repeated. _It sounds like the kind of thing that’ll send you spiraling back into yourself. And how could you not want to know?_

“I happen to know a very well-adjusted princess who was whisked.”

“Yeah, well, her mom ended up dead, so. Never really got to see how she would’ve handled the ‘whisking,’” he said harshly.

“Ouch.” She winced, then seemed to take a deep breath as if to calm herself. “I like to think she would be more concerned with my well-being than her own, had she lived. My ability to adjust rather than hers – that she would want what’s best for her child.”

 _Right, because that’s why people opt for adoption_ ––“Sure. Alright, princess.”

“Are you really so worried about my health, Han?”

“Yes? No? I don’t know – I just – you’re being so – you’re pretty damn calm about it all, is all,” he ground out. _Calm as in delusional, but you won’t hear me say it._

“You think I don’t care,” she said suddenly. “You think I’m blase about it, that it means nothing to me.”

“You called it like carryin’ around your shame.”

“You think I don’t – I _care_. _Very much_. I hate that I _am pregnant_ but I don’t hate _this_ , it’s never done anything to me, I don’t hate it, we’re on good enough terms – how do I – I hate that I’m carrying it around but I don’t hate what’s being carried, I don’t not care for it – this whole arrangement is _because_ I care for it.”

“Alright, Leia.”

“It’s _true_.”

“That’s not – you don’t need to prove anything to me, okay?”

“I want what’s best – why is that so difficult to understand?”

“For who, though?” he said before he could stop himself, and while he thought she was going to explode she just shut her eyes, as if disappointed but not surprised.

“Selfish princess, trying to pawn off her baby so she can get back to work, what a frigid cunt,” she murmured lightly, and he opened his mouth – _frigid cunt?!_ – but she continued. “I really thought you would understand more, how important it is for a child to be cared for adequately, and wanted.”

“S’a low blow.”

“You don’t even _want it._ You don’t – I know you don’t – you just want to do _right by me_ , you want to prove you’re the bigger person, the adult in the room – there are multiple ways to do the right thing. I _know_ am doing the right thing.”

He felt his eyes harden. “No you don’t.”

“Excuse me?”

“You don’t. I know you don’t, because you told me a few hours ago that now that m’back, things’ve changed.”

“Well maybe they changed again,” she said, crossing her arms and staring at the ceiling.

“How’s that.” _Because she remembered, she remembered your’e not good enough for her, she thought maybe she’d want to do this with you but then she remembered you’d never pull it off––_

“They just _have_ – or maybe they haven’t, I don’t know – look, the point is, there’s time – I’ve been at this for two months, you can’t just come in here and try to solve it in a day! Right now the plan is the plan because I don’t know how either of us can be expected to function if we don’t have a plan in place! If _I_ don’t have a plan in place! Gods, I feel like I’m going crazy – I don’t want to talk about this any more!”

“Well here’s the thing, Your Worship – we’re gonna talk about it more, lots more, ‘cause in circa three months a _person_ is gonna come out of there, and they deserve more, and you deserve more, then us just whistlin’ like nothing’s going on until that day because I’ll be damned if I’m caught dumb with you crying out and then dropping off on me because planning was too upsetting – fuck, princess, man up!”

“And ‘do right,’ right?”

“Do _something_! Toughen the hell up!”

“You want _me_ to toughen up? You goddamn – insolent, arrogant, _unbearable_ flyboy, you––!” And then she had grabbed his face roughly and was kissing him again, hard, biting his lip aggressively – instantly he grabbed her around her waist just as hard, forceful, fighting for control.

She was nipping at his neck, a hand moving swiftly to his thigh, and he let his hands cup her head before beginning to pluck at her braids. “Take ‘em out,” he practically growled.

“No,” she teased tartly, though she gasped when he pulled her onto his lap. “You don’t get that quite yet.”

“Put a baby in you. Think I get to see your hair.”

“So certain I’m all yours,” she was hissing in his ear as she moved her hand over him and for a second he thought _Shit, Leia, when’d you get so good as using sex to deflect? I teach you that?_

“Yeah,” he said roughly, pinning her down onto her back as if to underline the sentiment. “‘Cause you are.”

She was squirming and making small involuntary sounds as he touched her and for a second he thought _Good, feel like things are totally out of your control, see how that feels for a change, see how you like it––_ “I am,” she finally agreed, gasping a little. “Mhm – I am, I’m sorry, I am…!”

“Damn right,” he muttered as he moved to enter her again, but while she seemed totally swept up in the moment his thoughts were elsewhere… moving quickly and hearing her crying out but instead for some reason thinking about her sitting in his most worn clothing in the booth on the Falcon, cross-legged with kaffe, reading, the morning after he’d first slept with her. How at first he’d woken up and been pissed to find her gone, so certain she would say it was all a mistake, meant nothing – stormed out of his cabin but then seen her there, sleepy but content, hair all wispy, smiling at him. _I’m sorry, I’m a bit of an early riser_ , she’d admitted, blushing. _But I did attempt to make kaffe._

And it was like, in that moment? He was like – _alright, I’ll never be preemptively pissed again, I love you._ He’d thought _alright, it’s all in your hands now, sweetheart, I trust you._ Wasn’t sure what “it all” referred to. Like his heart, maybe. He’d trusted her with everything since then. Made himself some kind of vulnerable. _It’s all yours now._

Afterwards, when she was sleeping it off again, he took a shower then headed to the hangar, just trying to clear his thoughts. He was camped out in cockpit of the Falcon, frowning and lounging and trying not to think much about anything, when the radio comm went off unexpectedly––“Kid? That you?”

Luke’s voice filtered in. “Han – good, you’ve picked up. I was trying to reach Leia, but her comm went unanswered, and I grew worried…”

“Enough with the Jedi speak, alright?” Another damn thing that had changed in his absence.

“You don’t think it makes me sound… mysterious?” Luke teased, thankfully back to normal.

“More like a dickhead – still travelin’?”

“Yeah, figured I’d check in, see how you guys were… got bored of talking to myself, so…”

“We’re one step up from a droid, nice.”

“Nah, the droid got sick of me.”

Han grinned genuinely. _Gods, Luke. Some things never change._ “S’good to hear from you, kid. Shit. I missed ya – haven’t really seen you since…”

“I kissed your girl on Hoth?” Luke teased.

“Wasn’t mine then.”

“Yeah, about that – you know she didn’t say a word about you having gotten together? Typical Leia, right? So you can imagine my surprise when she said she was pregnant.”

“Yeah, well. Mine too.”

“At least you knew that you had slept with her, though!” Luke said, his voice going into that familiar high-pitched whine. “I was like – I’m sorry _what now?_ ”

“Sounds like it was a big surprise all around,” Han said, kicking his feet up onto the console and grunting.

“How’re you handling it? How is – is she okay? It’s not like her not to answer her comm.”

“She’s fine. Neck’s scraped up from the chain from that sonofabitch but other than that and some sunburn she’s alright.”

“Wanna know something funny? When we were on Tatooine, she got a little sunburnt too, right? Totally freaked out. Apparently her mom had led her to believe it was like, really serious? She completely panicked.”

Han snorted. “Leia Leia, acts so damn sophisticated…”

“... but doesn’t know what a sunburn is, I know. She’s alright then?” Han could hear the slight hesitation before, “You guys’re alright?”

“Couldn’t be better,” Han said, his voice flat and dry. “She’s fine, she’s sleepin’ right now.”

“Sick?”

“Sated. Makin’ up for lost time, y’know.”

“Lo-o-ovely,” Luke said drily. “Hey, here’s some advice? After she pops, maybe be careful you don’t accidentally go for round two?”

“And what qualifies you for advice on fucking women, exactly?”

“Okay, first of all, gross, it’s _Leia,_ don’t call it ‘fucking’ her, that’s – it’s like, practically _disrespectful…_ ”

“Noted,” Han snorted.

“And second of all – apparently I’m better at understanding the mechanics than either of you. So.”

"You ever fuck in a ‘fresher? You use condoms?” Han demanded skeptically.

“Shut up, Han,” Luke sing-songed. “And anyway, I’m teasing Leia too – I mean, you know she didn’t know still four months, right? And she’s the smartest person I know.”

“Yeah, well. Not convinced these fuckers would’ve let her deal with it anyway, if she did realize,” he grumbled.

Luke paused a second. “Does that – I mean, does that bother you? Knowing that she – I don’t know. Wanted to…”  
              
“Nah.”

“It doesn’t?” He seemed genuinely surprised.

“S’what I would’ve wanted too, right? I mean – we’re wanted terrorists fighting a _war_ , remember? Can’t all be Jedi.”

“Well, I’m glad you talked to her about it. She was really nervous, I think. About talking to you? She would never say, but…”

“Leia. Nervous.”

“I dunno, Han, it’s about a big a bomb as you can drop.”

“Yeah, but it’s a big ol’ disappearing one, as it turns out, right? Here today. Gone tomorrow.”

"Yeah,” Luke said quietly. “Yeah, I that’s true.”

There was a pause, and then Han said, “Hey, listen. I’m uh – m’glad you rang. Think you’ll be back soon?”

“Don’t get all soft on me now, Solo,” Luke teased. “I think so. I’m not quite sure. Hang in there, alright?”

“Yeah – listen, think you can give me some advice?” Han blurted out abruptly, before he could stop himself.

“Seeking some Jedi wisdom, huh?”

“More like – well. The thing is, it’s like – I don’t know how – hell. I don’t know to talk to her about anything else. _See_ anything else. And I know it’s ticking her off, and…”

“Yeah,” Luke sighed. “I know all about that. I don’t know what to tell you.”

“It’s just I know everyone else does that too and they all give her shit and stare and I don’t wanna be another set of eyeballs on her, right? But how can…”

“You not?”

“Exactly.”

“Talking to her while she’s sitting behind a table helps?”

“Great advice, kid.”

“I don’t know, Han – you’re the only one who didn’t treat her like Her Royal Highness, you tell me how you did that?”

“Easy, I just looked at her and I saw – _Leia_.”

“And now you look at her and you see…?” Luke prompted gently.

“Leia,” Han insisted hastily. “‘Course, still Leia, but… well. Right. Yeah.”

He could hear Luke exhale noisily in agreement. “Yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !! Your reviews mean everything! Never too late to start reviewing, guys!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just for a frame of reference now – Leia’s seven months and change here. 6 months and a bit at the story’s start, plus two and a half weeks on Tatooine, plus almost a week since the rescue. I’m stretching out the timeline between the rescue and Endor a bit, both for reasons that will be revealed (lmao) but also to give us a little more time. Anyway, enjoy!

“Hey,” he answered casually, his voice coming through the comm a bit tinny. “Didn’t hear you head out.”

“I can’t fit in that bunk with you,” Leia retorted, fixing her tea and trying to sound indignant, but of course she still felt crappy – surely he hadn’t appreciated that, waking up alone this morning. But it wasn’t a lie – she’d fallen asleep a bit after sex then been awake, uncomfortable, all night, struggling to detangle herself from him in order to use the ‘fresher too frequently and finding it difficult to even make space for herself. She didn’t realize until now how much their fitting together relied on her fitting into him: he was so tall, and in the past she really had just filled the crevices with her body, fitting herself tight against him, taking up scraps of unused space. Now it was indisputable: there was not room for her. “I’m uncomfortable there and you’re uncomfortable here, so we might as well split the difference.”

“Split it between nights, Kriff. Don’t get all one-night-stand on me.” 

“Well, it’s been some time now. I’d at least call it a standing reservation.” 

“You always seemed like the type to like it standing up.” She could hear him smirking. “Got places to be, people to yell at. Quick and dirty.”

“If only our heights were better suited – and pardonnez-moi, I take issue with ‘always,’ you hardly had a lifetime monopoly on being the object of my desire.”

“Hey! I’ve got at  _ least  _ half of your virginity.” 

“Sure, sure, I made certain all the girls before you left a few scraps of my hymen intact, just for you to pierce…” she quipped lightly, fixing her hair and makeup – thank gods for her rust lipstick and her ability to ration it, and thank gods for Tatooine and the few loose-fitting dresses she’d managed to purchase there with Luke, since fatigues would have obviously compromised their disguise. She looked at her reflection and was reminded of what it had felt like, looking at herself in properly-fitting clothes – “girl clothes,” as Han would call them – for the first time since the houseguest had made itself bigger than the dice on the Falcon that were, if she was honest, probably functional mistletoe when the thing was conceived. How her first bizarre thought had been,  _ I look like my mam _ , bizarre because her mother had never been pregnant, and because the two of them looked nothing alike. Maybe the tiredness on her own face felt familiar? Or the sense of purpose, and duty, and regal resignation? 

“Got a lot more than scraps, as I remember it.”

“Well you’ve the lovely distinction of being the first being to come inside me, and look how that panned out.” 

“Hmm – well, I was hoping for another shot at that this morning, but you up and left, sweetheart.” 

“If you must know, I have a meeting,” she said evenly, pursing and unpursing her lips. “And I fear I would be very undermined if evidence of your affection was laid out in broad daylight.”

“It already is,” he said automatically, and she could practically hear his cheeky grin. “Sorry, Princess. You walked right into that one.” 

“I did, I really did…”

“Anyway – who’s this meeting with? ‘Cause I was gonna hunt down Rieekan, so…”

“Why’s that?”

“Enlistment forms. Sent ‘em in last night.” 

She grinned to herself, a little embarrassed at how much this pleased her. “You should’ve said something. I would’ve upped the ante in celebration.”

“Yeah, well, you came in all riled up and pissed off about Dodonna, figured it could wait. Reward me later, alright?”

“Alright,” she said affectionately. “And it’s with Evaan. I don’t know what it’s about, before you ask, but I’m – optimistic, actually.”

“Why’s that.” Something had changed in his voice, but she couldn’t place it. 

“I just think she’s looking to make things right. And I appreciate that, I don’t  _ like  _ being alienated from everyone.”

“Right. Well. Lemme know how it goes.”

“Yours as well. I love you, Han,” she added before she forgot, sweeping her hand over her abdomen and sort of grimacing as it twinged in response, thinking in its direction,  _ You’re becoming too demanding now, it’s not a good look for you, and it’s rude to constantly seek attention, you know.  _

His voice was distant but not unconvincing. “Yep, love you too.” 

XX.

Han had managed to tug Rieekan out of the crowded control center for their meeting – meeting being Han’s slang for his intention to talk to someone, regardless of their stated availability – and now was scanning for a spot where they could sit down. 

“I noticed your enlistment forms in my inbox late last night. I was glad to see them,” the older man said. 

“Yeah, well,” Han drawled. “I figured ‘ve been fightin’ the fight for years now, might as well get some credit for it.” That, and the other thing being he was getting antsy sitting on his ass all day with Leia, as much as he hated to admit it, with nothing to do other than stare at her abdomen and freak out and then pretend he wasn’t doing either of those things. Plus, he figured he’d go anywhere she went, but in order to get their protection, he’d need to be a member of the Alliance officially...

“Sure, sure.” They sat down in a small alcove, the noise of the command room still echoing. “I’m afraid this is as private as I can get right now as things are quite hectic, but I can certainly spare a few minutes.”

“Hectic how? Like same old or...?” He was surprised he was so invested, but… 

Rieekan frowned before saying in a low voice. “There is reason to believe a second Death Star is under construction.” 

Han felt cold. “S’Leia know this?”

“If she’s been covertly keeping up with the intelligence that she technically still has access to despite the demotion, which I suspect she has been, then I’m sure she’s aware. And if not—“

“I’ll tell her, yeah.” Of course she knew – how had she not said anything to him? All that time they'd spent, just the two of them?

“So. What can I help you with?”

“Well, I won’t keep ya, but — she said you’d been pushing something like a safe house. And I’m not keen on going against Her Worship’s wishes ‘cause that’s not a winning strategy, but — wanted to know if that’s a real option. Hear your take.”

“Well, It isn’t really a fully-formed plan yet, more an impulse, but we’ve been able to successfully hide informants, political prisoners, whatnot, and the same logic follows. With the Princess my main concerns are that if we have to evacuate rapidly or are boarded by Imperials or the like, she’ll be unable to move quickly. I’m also concerned about major stress from an attack or else a hyperspace jump eventually triggering early labor, I remember that being of concern to my wife when she was pregnant with our oldest son — and about the fact that point blank our medics are just not fully equipped to handle a birth — it just feels like there’s a reason militaries aren’t often populated by very pregnant women.” 

“You don’t have to sell me on it. This whole thing — don’t got feelings about it either way, long as she’s safe. That really true, about hyperspace and pregnant ladies?” 

“It’s more of an old wives’ tale, but if she were my daughter I’d hope she didn’t take her chances — and of course, you must know it’s alright if you do have feelings about it. ‘Either way.’ You have a stake in it, and no matter what your relationship with the Princess is—“

“I’m crazy about her,” Han said impatiently. “Don’t wanna be another guy pushing her around, telling her what she oughtta do.” 

“She’s still very firm on the adoption, from what I’ve been told.”

“Yeah. No. I don’t know. It’s — try not to bring it up, don’t wanna piss her off. But last I checked. Thinks she’s unfit, wants to give it the best possible life, parents who want it, she’s a wanted woman with a death mark on her hip, worst case scenario it’s orphaned best case years in hiding, not standing for no subterranean childhood shit, practically a human rights violation, all that,” he ticked off flatly, crossing his arms.

“Not insignificant concerns,” Rieekan agreed, but he frowned a little and part of Han was like, right, some of that’s gotta be BS, course she’s fit, but another part of him was on the defensive immediately at any sign that Rieekan might try to shame Leia. That’s where his loyalty always was — Leia. He’d probably be a shit dad anyway, because of that. He’d never love anyone or anything like he loved her, never so fiercely. “The couple — I know them — I know she hasn’t wanted to meet but they are — quite lovely women.”

“Don’t doubt it. Just not my domain.”

“And you’ve no concerns about the two mothers...?”

Han shrugged roughly, annoyed and thinking, y _ ou do know your precious princess is lost it to a chick, right? _ “Would’ve killed to have one Mom. Figure two’s about as good as it gets.” 

“That’s a very evolved take on it, yes.” 

“‘Bout all my friends are queer, so,” Han deadpanned. “S’really the only take there is.” 

“Well then, that would do it.”

“But these – safe-houses, I mean – you’re talking a functional bunker, right? On the Outer Rim – and you really think you could get someone as wanted as the Princess – the tracked us to Bespin––” 

“I’m not certain. But yes, I admit while I’d like imagine a sort of charming well-hidden pastoral type, on such short notice the reality is a bit more improvisational.”

“Bunker but a medic to help her birth the thing? How’s that work?”

“Pay them off. Credits.” 

“”Ve got nothing, she can’t access without tippin’ someone off.”

“Well. You are an enlisted man now. I suppose you can get your commission of credits in cash,” Rieekan noted. 

“She won’t like that. Isolated, out of commission. Hidden away. And anyway, how d’you get the baby back for – and if you guys don’t win, I mean – she just stay there with the baby and pray you take out the Empire?” 

“You’re asking me to carve out an elaborate evacuation plan on the spot – if this is the option Leia is committed to, I’m sure we can make it work.”

“Yeah, but before I bring it up, I wanna make  _ sure  _ it can work, ‘cause I’m not gonna get her angry at me if it’s not gonna––”

“The fact of the matter is, she’s running out of time,” Rieekan said seriously. “I’ve discussed casually with other members of High Command –  _ they do not want her here,  _ they think she adds unnecessary risk and that having a demoted member of leadership still present undercuts authority, and I know Mon in particular is very concerned about Leia’s safety if she remains with the fleet. As am I.” He shook his head. “You know her birth mother died in childbirth, yes?” 

“Yeah, I know that! I’m telling you, she’s gonna freak out though. If I come to her with this it’ll be the last thing she lets me say for ages ‘cause she’ll cut me right off. So it better be good.” 

“Alright. We’ll meet again and flesh everything out, okay?”

“Okay,” Han said, exhaling hard and frowning. 

“Okay.” 

Meanwhile, at a secluded table in the empty mess hall, Leia sat across from Evaan, who after complimenting on her appearance –  _ ‘you look…’ ‘massive?’ ‘healthy’ ‘charming’ –  _ and insisting on helping her into her seat, cut right to the case: “There’s no time to lose, so, I’ll come out and say it: High Command is trying to get rid of you.”

Leia frowned deeply. “I don’t know if you noticed, Evaan, but they already did.”

“Not that – I mean, they want to ship you off. They want you separated from the fleet.”

Leia felt suddenly cold. “Surely not. Han’s actually meeting with Rieekan right now – he’s just enlisted. If they wanted to – ‘get rid of me’...” 

“Well. I don’t know how much cache they put into your relationship with Han,” Evaan said, raising her eyebrow knowingly. “Princess, I only just found out, but I figured it was duty to––”

“Which is exactly why they want me gone,” Leia interrupted, realization dawning on her. “Because of people like you whose first loyalty––”

“Is to you before the brass. I know, that’s what I thought to,” Evaan said, nodding seriously. “I’m assuming you know of the second Death Star––”

“There’s –  _ what?! _ ” Leia demanded, unwittingly raising her voice and then trying to calm herself. “No, of course I don’t – I’ve been cut off from all communications, I––”

“I’d heard a rumor your intelligence privileges may have been…  _ delayed  _ in the process of their being rescinded.”

“I hadn’t even thought to check, I’ve been so busy with – with Han, and…”  _ And what?  _ she thought to herself angrily.  _ What have you been doing? Sitting on your ass, fussing over yourself, griping about the pain in your lower back and blowing your boyfriend? Why wasn’t checking your permissions the very first thing you did?! _

“Well – it’s not anywhere near completion, but Mon’s authorized this covert version to get the plans, and while there will likely be many casualties in the process––”

“They’re fairly certain they can get them––”

“And because of the first’s failures, they believe the Emperor will probably be closely supervising, so––”

“He might be on it, meaning its destruction could  _ potentially  _ bring about the war’s end, meaning they need to have anyone outside of their small circle with any political influence––”

“Tucked away neat and tidy.  _ Exactly. _ ”

“Gods  _ dammit _ .” Leia felt a flush of anger but also thrill, and she blushed at Evaan’s raised eyebrows at the curse. “It’s such a relief to be talking about something  _ actual _ , you must understand…” 

“Of course, of course, I’m sure you feel your mind’s gone to mush with nothing to do – it’s awful, Princess, it’s absolutely hideous. Anyway, I was only going off of instinct but when Mon rejected these mock-ups I intercepted that all but confirmed it.” 

“Mock-ups?”

“Of some recruitment propaganda – our numbers are dire right now, Lei, kudos to the boyfriend for signing up, honestly, and where’s that Jedi when we need him…” Evaan muttered, slipping into a more casual tone as she swiped through her datapad. “Here we are. These.” 

Leia looked at the holo projected before her and almost gasped. It was  _ her  _ – a life-like illustration, seemingly adapted from what she’d looked like at the Yavin medal ceremony – all mourning braids, all long white dress, all gleaming necklace, all melancholy far-off expression – except she was clearly, obviously, very, very pregnant. Her hands were resting neatly on her belly, and she was tilting her head contemplatively, looking worried. The background was littered with stars – Leia recognized them as several major systems where Imperial holds were beginning to slip – and the text below said simply:  _ ONLY HOPE,  _ with the Rebel insignia beside it which, when tapped, apparently brought one to detailed enlistment instructions. 

“Fantastic, isn’t it?” Evaan said, disappearing the image with an easy swipe. “I mean, it’s obviously a bit dramatic, but it’s about as good as it gets in terms of marketing – the empathy, the emotion…”

Leia sighed. It wasn’t the first time she’d seen herself propped up as a galactic treasure to be protected, but it still bugged her a bit. Still, she had to admit it was excellent in terms of propagandistic potential. “Very effective, yes,” she said. “These were rejected?”

Evaan nodded. “Apparently Mon is personally extremely insistent that the existence of your pregnancy be kept highly, highly internal.”  

Leia frowned. “Why would that be? If people see that I’m vulnerable, that doesn’t make me a more compelling leader… and if anything, won’t I be more unlikable when it gets out that I then gave the baby up?”

Evaan tilted her head. “You’re still going through with that, then?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“I just assumed – with you, and Solo…”

Leia just waved her hand dismissively. “I love him, but it doesn’t change the core reasoning –  _ anyway _ ––”

Evaan sighed but followed her lead. “Right, right, anyway, well – apparently, when pressed by the  _ rest  _ of Command, Mon’s concern is actually chiefly with  _ Imperials _ . She’s insistent that should the Imperials learn of your you’ll be in some kind of special danger and won’t say any more.”

“I’m already wanted for execution by the Empire,” Leia said, frowning. “How could I be in any more danger?”

“Exactly. I call bullshit. If you’ll pardon my language, Princess,” she added hastily.

“Evaan, you’ve gone to bed with me, I think it’s alright if you curse in my presence – and yes, I call bullshit too.”

“So clearly she thinks the pregnancy will help you gain sympathy. Regardless of the adoption factor, or maybe she thinks you’ll keep it after all? I don’t know. Point is, something’s clearly going on. And you deserved to know about it.”

“Thank you, Evaan,” she said seriously. “Your ability to snoop with such depth never ceases to amaze.”

“Of course, Your Highness,” Evaan replied formally, but she was grinning a little. “So – what are you going to do?”

“Well, obviously I need to stay here,” Leia said, crossing her arms. “Or I’m in danger of being dropped off for a supposedly temporary safe-house stay and never retrieved – and anyway, I have a duty to the Alderaanian diaspora, to protect their interests in government…  _ I  _ should’ve directly received that Death Star intelligence immediately, I was the one who witnesses its usage, I––” 

“Exactly. So we’ll stall, then, and while we do so, we––”

“Find a way to make me invaluable to the brass, yes,” Leia finished, frowning. She considered the images again – they  _ were  _ compelling, they  _ were _ effective, they very well  _ could  _ lead to the boost in numbers they needed. “What about if you leak––”

“Leak the holos? Brilliant,” Evaan crowed, “that’s brilliant. Because if people are enlisting based off of your visage––”

“How could they justify ditching me? At least in the short run? Yes, that’s the idea.”

“For the short run. And along the way, we’ll figure out how to – confront, whatever. Rally popular support amongst the troops to have you reinstated in your position. Make clear you’re willing to be on their side if they accept you back into the fold.”

“Okay,” Leia said, nodding.

“Okay.”

XX.

“How’d that meeting go, by the way?” Leia asked that night as they laid in her bed together. “With Rieekan?”

“Pretty standard. Nothing to report,” Han lied. “And yours? How’s Verlaine?”

“Good,” Leia said casually. “She just wanted to catch up. Nothing to note.” 

“Same,” he said. “Well good. Love you.”

“Love you too, I’m sleepy,” she lied, eager to end the conversation altogether. 

“Same here,” he lied, and kissed her forehead as she closed her eyes, pretending to drift off to sleep, and so he did the same. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So many events! Leave a review! (Also: I will say right off the bat that you should take Evaan’s deductions with a grain of salt… she doesn’t have all of the information about why the Empire might be especially interested in Leia’s offspring… )


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very different type of chapter, but I think you’ll like it.

Here’s what Leia realized: it was shockingly easy, to tell a lie, once she didn’t have to tell it any longer. That is, once she’d done it all it took to maintain was just – not mentioning it. And it wasn’t really a lie so much as an omission… she _told_ Han that some recruitment materials with her image had been leaked once it had been done, she _told_ him that Mon had asked her to meet and expressed serious concerns about the news of her pregnancy becoming public, she _told_ him she had the sense that she was being ousted for political reasons now that you mention it, she _told_ him when High Command reluctantly put her in charge of a substantial amount of translation and procurement just two days after the leak, even planned to make use of his expertise when it came to ship parts. It was just that she told him those things without mentioning that Evaan had leaked the images or that the duo were conferring regularly on her relative standing among the ranks. And also that she told him them in between sex and more sex and making out and meals and listening to him gripe about the troops he’d been put in charge of – _me, a general! –_ and watching him play Sabacc with Lando and bumming around on the Falcon with him and letting him rub her sore fingers after she sewed, always sewing, ever more slack into her pants, her dresses, her sore lower back after a day of barking out orders and storming around and being very much on her feet, after bickering about doing so.

And so in this way a week flew by, maybe a week and a half, she couldn’t be sure. She’d never thought of time in increments of weeks before, really, she had always thought in terms of the Alderaanian lunar calendar long past its destruction, but of course the few materials on pregnancy she could access seemed very insistent on the week-as-module, so – well. There it was. There it was – too risky to extend past their own servers, so having a woman she barely knew, Kes Dameron’s wife who’d had a baby two years earlier, forward her the little leaflets she still had downloaded. Shara Bey – she was a pilot and Leia always wanted to ask Han – did he know her? Had they ever exchanged words?

Kes Dameron and Shara Bey’s baby – toddler, really, a little boy – lived with one of his grandparents, they didn’t see him often but when it was safe they did receive holos, they spread through the troops like wildfire because they were so sweet. Leia thought about this child often when she reflected, like tracing a well-worn groove, things that made her ill-suited. This was one of them. Not only the lack of grandparents – orphans, all of them, everyone she loved! – but the two years of not-seeing. Children deserved constancy, stability, they couldn’t be held on retainer like some kind of fluffy flattery babified equivalent to having a kept woman. Well. Leia had never promised to be someone who didn’t pass judgement. And anyway, really, there was no reason why even if the Rebellion faced loss after loss that Shara and Kes shouldn’t live to see many more years. They were safely, dangerously, painfully anonymous agents, another reminder of how many people were willing to give up everything for this cause she had so badly complicated via a lack of condoms.

Something felt – off, she knew. Something had shifted, something felt not-right. She’d read all of the intel on the second Death Star and knew that the plans were due quite soon, and yet plans for attack seemed to be stalling. Luke hadn’t been in touch and then abruptly reached out, not to her but to Han, to say he’d be longer than expected. She’d felt sicker, this past week and a half, than she had since she’d thought she’d merely had the flu – her whole body seemed like it was resistant, like it was battling it out with its tenant for space and losing. She’d always felt alienated from her body, as long as she could remember but especially since the Death Star, but never before had she felt it was full-on in _revolt_.

She didn’t know, too, why she was determined to hide as much of it from him as possible. It wasn’t like she felt ashamed? Or like it wasn’t his fault as much as hers? But she stuck to sex in the dark now, and griped most of her gripes about pain – in her feet, in her back, in her breasts, everywhere – to Evaan or her subordinates, and tried to hide mood-swings as best as she could. When she couldn’t, she excused herself or else mocked herself to great excess. And she could tell it was getting to him – he’d snapped once, “no one’ll call you a pussy if you cry, we all know you’re pregnant, relax for once, alright?” and when he put a protective arm around her when her balance seemed off and she shoved it off, he shoved it back on and narrowed his eyes. The sleeping situation was still shit but when they really couldn’t fit he’d still indulge her by letting her fall asleep in his falling-off-the-bed arms before he slipped off to the crew bunk or her unyielding sofa. But the idea of being so – _pregnant_ in front of him… it bothered her. A lot. Even though now she was more open about settling her hands on her stomach because how could she not, or making dry comments about it to her recruits – _I’ve grown a second skeleton between these transmission’s interception and this interpretation, let’s not hesitate a moment longer –_ or sometimes if she felt especially reckless a _do you feel that, that movement there? Even the unborn are disgusted and up in arms at the thievery this supplier has attempted, we mustn’t back down now, we will do better –_ somehow with Han it just felt – too much, too vulnerable. The same reason he still hadn’t seen her hair down, which was surreal, but now that it was a _thing_ she couldn’t give it away willy-nilly. Sex in the dark.

Han… he seemed so – not sad, recently, but contemplative, worried. Like he was looking past her. He was working hard, they both were, which was probably why he felt so far away, that and her fib. She wondered what he said, when people inevitably ribbed him – why did she feel like he just shut them down? Why did she suddenly, for the first time really, feel like she’d taken something away from him?

Gods, she couldn’t wait for this to be over. She just wanted him – _them_ – back. (She’d only had him for a handful of weeks, it wasn’t fair!)

That sense of distance, of losing him really, losing their _depth_ , was why, despite her initial instinct that she should merely go alone, she now had Han standing beside her, holding her hand automatically, as she should outside the door of the women who would be her houseguest’s parents.

She was still wearing her uniform – her modified uniform, as it were, but oh how it felt good to be in uniform again – but she’d redone her braids to utmost perfection, not a flyaway in sight, her eyeliner especially dense so she didn’t look pitiful, or like a young girl. Han looked – concerned, annoyed, the way he always did, brow furrowed, expression unreadable. She squeezed his hand for his attention and when he was looking at her, gave him a mild look, eyebrows raised just a tad, and he exhaled noisily in acknowledgment and seemed to relax a bit before knocking on the door a second time. She was just thinking she didn’t know _what_ to expect and then, suddenly – the door was open.

The woman on the other side was a few inches taller than Leia, maybe, very slight, maybe forty, with a bright, almost silly smile – “I’m so sorry, I really did hear you the first time, we’re not _that_ old, but the boiler just went off and then I was caught you know – tea, door, tea, door––”

“Of course,” Leia said in a voice she hoped was gracious, giving her best polite, princess smile – her mind reeling––

“Stel,” a voice interrupted, and then there was the other woman, taller, cropped grey hair, angular features, apologetic but warm smile, hand on the first woman’s shoulder, and as they stepped inside and exchanged introductions, Han all eyebrow-raised handshakes and smug looks at their “I mean – yes, I know”s at his name, her trying to be formal as well only to be embraced by them both, Leia thought with sudden acute clarity – _I shouldn’t have been worried about Han, I’m the one who will not make it through this encounter._

When was the last time she’d be hugged by someone older than her? Carlist, maybe, when she’d wept to him about being unable to be a mother. There was something awful and safe about it, how she felt known in the _Hi, honey, of course,_ like she’d been caught in the act of crying and had been doing a bad job of pretending to be fine all along and could finally ease into it. But she didn’t – couldn’t – ease into it.

Han had his hand on her lower back as he made casual small talk about the few unusual baubles decorating the sparse unit, identical to her own – fuck him, this was what he did wasn’t it, made small talk and charmed women – while she felt herself rapidly free-falling. It was one thing to know she was precarious, it was another thing to be recognized as such. Warmly embraced with soft, safe sympathy – _Hi, honey, of course_. She felt out of control, she wanted her mother.

“––Princess?”

“Sorry?” Leia asked, snapping back into awareness and pasting on a polite smile.

“I asked if you wanted any tea, Princess.” Lu, then, the taller woman, peering at her with a worried smile.

“Oh – Leia is fine, please just call me – tea would be – yes, please, sure – I’m sorry, I’ve had a long day and––”

“Not a problem,” Lu said, nodding warmly but still looking concerned as she drifted towards the kettle. “Is there a particular kind…? Stella’s nicked about everything from mess, so––”

“Hush, you – I promise,” Stella added reassuringly, turning to her and Han, “we’re good people, good values, all that...”

“Mint’s good, right?” Han asked her, touching her hair briefly and also frowning. “With the stomach, you’ve been into––”

 _Who_ are _you?_ Leia thought, peeved – _Since when do you_ dote _like this, what are you playing at, trying to_ prove _?_ “Mint’s lovely. My stomach’s been a bit unsettled,” she said, giving another polite smile.

“Mint it is,” Lu said, echoing none of her polite professionalism and instead almost painfully good-natured.

“You must be so uncomfortable,” Stella said sympathetically, leading them over to the couch, “But thankfully you’re at the end of it now.”

“Yep,” Han said amicably, “but she’s hangin’ in,” and she shot him a dirty look like, _Since when do you know whether or not I am ‘hangin’ in’?_ as he helped her lower herself to the sofa. If he noticed, he ignored it.

“Well, I’m glad to hear that – I just heard through Carlist that you’ve taken up leading a whole division again, I can’t even imagine, you’re quite a remarkable young woman…”

Leia gave a prim nod of thanks. “I believe in doing my part to serve,” she said lightly, taking the tea from Lu, who – _gods!_ – took the time to warn her it was hot as Han rested his arm on the edge of the couch behind her.

Lu sat in one of the chairs beside her wife and snorted. “Sure, but everyone serves while – how many weeks is it now?”

Leia found herself staring into her tea. “Um. A few after seven months, I – maybe 30?” Her voice came out a bit fainter than she’d hoped.

“Right, I forgot you won’t have seen a proper medic – that’s just – well. You don’t need another two Rebels telling you how strong you are, you surely have enough.”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t seem to get through to her, so,” Han noted smoothly, giving her a crooked grin, but Leia just bit her lip. She hated this. She hated this. She hated this.

She listened to some light small talk about where people were from, how long they’d been in the service, et cetera, not really participating, noting when Han grinned and murmured against her ear that all things considered, he really liked them. Hells, _she_ really liked them – they were warm and funny and frank, they were down to earth, they were planning on resigning their commissions and doing community organizing on a planet Leia’d never even heard of but that they assured her was home for them, they loved each other. And yet… she was only really listening when Stella placed her hand on Leia’s knee and said, so serious and searching, “I don’t know if anything’s changed about your situation since we first spoke to Carlist, but we just want you to know – if you decide you need a home for your baby, we’d love to provide it.”

Leia gave a small nod, not looking up, so still. “Of course. Thank you. I – I mean.” She looked up at Han, who gave her a _go on,_ nod, all _whatever-you-want_ , “I mean, yes.”

Stella gave her knee a squeeze. “Whatever you want, dear. I – I know it’s improbable but I feel for you, I really do.”

“It’s really – it’s a real gift, Princess, to do this,” Lu said seriously. “Leia, I mean,” she corrected, but she was smiling. “Really.”

“Yes,” Leia said faintly, feeling herself dissociating further, recoiling from that warm touch. “I mean – of course. I – we – I want her to – have a good – a safe…” She trailed off and looked back into her tea, now cold. _A good. A safe._ It would have that, with these women. Better than she could ever, she knew that – she just wished she didn’t have to see it so goddamn vividly.

“Her? You don’t know the––”

“No I just. I alternate,” she murmured, “I don’t – I don’t want to become too attached.”

“Of course,” Stella said kindly. “And off of that – we discussed, and we really feel that if you – both of you – want to be – a part of the baby’s life, or receive updates – anything, really, we can always discuss, we’re open––”

“No,” Leia said, surprising herself with the interruption. “No, I don’t want – I don’t want of that. Please,” she added, trying to lift her chin and sound firm. “I mean, if it’s all the same – I really would rather – I mean – I think – I think I would prefer limited – no contact, really. No contact.”

She could feel Han staring at her – not revulsion, not anger, even, just – concern.

“I actually – I mean.” She was tripping over her words, her body rigid. “I would just – I would like this to just be done with. By which I mean, really think it would be easier for me – for us – if we weren’t – if we weren’t reminded,” she finished clumsily. “And I wouldn’t want to confuse – I just think that you would be her mothers. His mothers, its mothers. And. If there’s no benefit, if it’s all the same – I mean I never knew my birth parents and I wasn’t troubled – I would just – I really would prefer no contact. None.”

Her hands were shaking, she knew, and everyone was staring at her, Han’s arm descending to squeeze her shoulders as he tried desperately to catch her eye. How could she explain? That the more she _knew_ – about them, about the life they planned to give it, about the thing itself – the more she knew she was setting herself up to be broken, the more vulnerable she was making herself to fancies of want and longing that were in no one’s best interest, least of all the houseguest’s? That it would be impossible to allow this to just fade away into the backdrop of her life if she _gods_ received updates, or even was just able to imagine its life without her – that then she could think about it, that then it could never be a clean break? She needed this to be a clean break. Leia would never survive if it weren’t, she couldn’t handle another loss, not one she could feel acutely, imagine. The houseguest needed this. It needed to live without her. It needed a life that she’d been scrubbed from. Otherwise everyone would be hurt...

After a moment, Stella said slowly, “If that’s what you need, Leia. Of course.”

Leia nodded rapidly, trying to control her constricting throat, and sipped down more of her tea. After another long moment, Lu cleared her throat. “Listen – this may not be the best moment, but because I knew you’d be swinging by today, I filched a stetho from medical. You can absolutely say no, please, but I know I at least thought it might be neat––”

“Lu––” Stella was hissing.

“No, that’s – of course,” Leia said graciously. “Of course. I – with all due respect, I don’t think – I don’t think I will be comfortable coming back here – spending time – until – its birth, so – I think for now – I think that’d be fine by me, of course.”

“I hope it wasn’t something we––”

“No, I just – I didn’t realize how much I preferred things to be more anonymous until this moment,” Leia said honestly. “I think you’re both lovely. I have all the peace of mind I need – right, Han?”

“Yeah,” he said slowly, his grip on her firm. “I mean – yes.”

“So. I don’t think I’ll listen but if you’d like to I think that’s very sweet,” Leia said, and she meant it. _I think it’s so sweet that you want it, I just wish I didn’t have to see it so up close._

Which is how she found herself peeling back her shirt, looking at that long, strange dark line down her middle and the pop of her belly button and the scaly stretch marks on her side, as two women each took a turn listening to a stetho pressed against her abdomen. Han was holding her tighter still, pressing his lips to her hair and for the first time in a long time she felt like he understood her, where she was at – that he didn’t think she was selfish. That he _felt_ for her.

“Are you sure neither of you would like to hear?” Lu was saying. “It’s actually quite neat.”

She was so surprised, thus, when Han said suddenly, “Sure, I’ll try it.”

He took the device, and Leia gave him a startled look. “Aw, c’mon, princess,” he said, wearing that crooked sad-happy smile. “S’just a listen.”

She shook her head, but watched as he popped one of the earpieces in and moved the silver disk over her belly, his brow furrowed before his face lit up with a surprised grin. “Lei,” he said. “It’s really cool.”

She shook her head again, but when he took her hand and squeezed it, she realized he wasn’t oblivious – he knew, he knew what she felt, and he was telling her there was no way it would be a totally clean break, it would always be impossible, so why not have this one moment, right, why not?

She took the other earpiece and there it was, late on rent, inconvenient, belonging to someone else now, making a temporary home inside her, fleetingly something of the two of them: _wha-whoosh, wha-whoosh, wha-whoosh._ As her returned smile grew watery, yes, she knew – there’d be no perfect clean break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just stay with me guys, I promise it’ll all pay off. And please comment! Especially if you’re a follower who’s never commented! You don’t know how much it means – I know logically there are 60+ of you following, but I often worry I’m sending these chapters into the void!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for the encouraging comments! I forgot to mention – if any of you are on Tumblr, you can find me under the same username. In the new year I’m trying to get better about posting snippets/excerpts in advance of new updates. You can also always send me asks there too.

She was quiet on the walk back to her quarters. Too quiet, he knew. Staring straight ahead with a blank mask of an expression, her jaw clenched just slightly, he knew her face well. All those micro emotions.

He should say something, he knew that too — about the uncomfortable goodbye to the women who, all things considered, seemed really well-meaning, where she’d been so formal and uptight; about the no contact thing which wasn’t a total surprise but how did it not occur to her to talk to him first, about all of it really, he couldn’t keep doing this, trying to just smooth everything out for her and never saying what he meant. (And too — about the plan he kept crafting with Carlist, but he wouldn’t say that, not yet.) Listening to the thing they’d made inside her was surreal, but so too was the way she looked at her own stomach — like it was this tumor she was shocked to have quadrupled in size over night, this alien thing strapped onto her front that freaked her out, a bad wound finally seeing the light after being wrapped up for a day or two, grotesque and unfamiliar. If he was being honest he liked how she looked so familiar — softer, her cheeks rounder, her features gentler, her smile sweeter, her whole body evidence of her having been close to somebody else, who was him. She had been looking at her belly button like she’d never seen it before — did she not know about all the time he spent, when they were lying in bed after sex and she was drifting in and out of waking, tracing all those changes? Did she shower with her eyes closed?

She was miserable. Or in denial. Or otherwise screwed up somehow. Lando And Chewie made it seem like she’d been pissed but functional before his rescue — it was something with the two of them that had screwed her up. He’d been trying to play everything as cool as possible even when he felt like screaming, at her at the situation at Command both for demoting her and then for pushing her to work too hard again, and that had only made things worse. What the hell was he supposed to do?

He was opening his mouth to say something, he didn’t know what, but that ended up not mattering because just as he did so she was saying, her voice crisp but polite as always, “I’m feeling really tired.” Translation: no sex, end of the conversation, end of the night. To which he thought — did she seriously think he thought after what just went down he was going to try to get in her pants right now?

Han frowned at her. “I was gonna bum around on the Falcon.” Said words that were simple and easy and yet surprising because they were definitive: “Come with me.”

She shook her head, her lip quivering the slightest bit. She was shit at concealing her emotions these days. He almost felt bad for her, sometimes pretended not to notice, ‘cause he knew she’d rather he didn’t see those things. “I think I just want to lie down. I’m asleep on my feet.”

“Can sleep there. Little more privacy, can see Chewie real quick. Better pillows.”

“I can’t imagine we’ll suddenly begin to both fit.”

“I’ll be up for while bit. You just lie down, relax.” _And we can talk,_ he added mentally, _ASAP._

“I don’t know...” She shifted, pausing in the hallway to rub her lower back and grimace.

“Let me rub your back, princess” he offered gruffly, rubbing the back of his neck.

“That’s sweet,” she said, but her voice was distant. “I just – I honestly really am feeling like I want to get into my bed and just – let this day melt off of me. I – I’m feeling very private.”

She gave him a melancholy what-can-you-do half-smile, and normally – as _normal_ as anything these past few weeks could be called – he would’ve sucked it up and nodded and indulged her, but today – watching her twitch in front of those women, pull into herself, leave him all on his own – he just – he shook his head harshly, and let out a half-laugh. “So that’s just it. Conversation over.”

“Since when have you been so fond of talking, Han,” she quipped, rolling her eyes and really digging her knuckles into her back.

“Dunno, princess, since you started carryin’ my _baby_ ,” he snapped, and when she gave him a knowing, disappointed smile he wanted to shake her.

“Oh, Han,” she sighed, and he narrowed his eyes.

“Oh _what_?”

“Han,” she repeated, giving him a low meaningful look “I mean – ‘my baby’?”

He shook his head roughly. “That’s not what I meant,” he said, and it _wasn’t_ , but she was already steadying herself, becoming more of a mask, saying––

“I am so sorry, I just can’t do this right now.” she said seriously, her knuckles working hard. “You know your feelings are important to me but I just haven’t felt well and––”

“It’s not what I _meant_ – I meant I have a _stake_ , I fuckin’ _care_ – I _care_ about you – and all this about feeling sick, I _know_ , you’re not foolin’ anyone so for fuck’s sake just let me take _care_ of you!”

“I don’t _need_ to be taken care of,” she snapped, turning up her chin haughtily, and he wanted to shake her again – she looked so fucking ridiculous, her hair so prim, crammed into a military uniform, trying to act so superior but also curved out like crazy, she looked so _damn_ pregnant it almost blew his mind––

“You’re out of your damn––” He stopped and shook his head, laughing, shocked, then jerked his thumb. “That girl? Back there? Who couldn’t put a damn sentence together ‘cause she was so freaked? She sure as hell needed help.”

“And that was you providing it! Blithely charming them as though this is just another opportunity to _endear_ someone to you, demonstrate how _casual_ you are, as though it wasn’t – as though none of this was even _happening_!”

“ _I’m_ the one pretending none of this is even happening? That’s rich, princess, that’s fuckin’ _rich_ ,” he barked, flashing her a tight, angry grin. “You tell me to _ignore it,_ won’t even let me put a _hand_ there.”

“And why should you want to?” she snapped, her voice low, daring him.

“I dunno, Leia, maybe it’s ‘cause I’m in love with you? ‘Cause I actually give a damn about you?” His voice was meaner than generous so he wasn’t surprised that she narrowed her eyes and grew colder. “And maybe ‘cause I’m not crazy enough to think you can just – _ignore_ somethin’ like this and forget all about it once it’s done!”

“ _I’m_ crazy,” she echoed in a mocking, angry voice.

“All this shit about no contact this, pretend it never happened that – it’s delusional s’what it is––” he was muttering, shaking his head.

“ _I’m_ delusional.”

“I didn’t have any choice in any of this either, alright, and I’ve been working my _damn hardest_ to be whatever you need, be patient or do the right thing or but I’m not gonna stand by and let you self-destruct.”

“ _I’m_ self-destructive. What – because I’m not sufficiently humbled by this experience?” she bit out.

People were staring at them, he knew, which once upon a time wasn’t abornormal but now, yeah, he had to confess, now with her so pregnant it looked – well, it looked a lot worse. He felt – _tall_ , pointing at her, glowering and pissed and loud, even though he knew she was an even match for him do no doubt. Like suddenly very aware that he was a lot bigger than her, could hurt her even – because people were giving them looks and…

“Anyway, I don’t recall it being quite your _style_ to stick around when you’re feeling bruised or unappreciated – if you’re unhappy when you’re around me then you need not be around me,” she was grinding out.

He gestured dramatically, both arms out, to her belly, laughing, and he watched her face totally collapse before hardening.

“Well. Isn’t that flattering.”

“Listen, Leia, I didn’t mean it like that, I just wanna talk this all through, alright, can’t you just...” His voice was low, eyes glancing at the clump of recruits heading towards them.

“Why can’t I just what? Why can’t I just accept the scraps of your concern and be mature about that? You’re so concerned with doing the right thing, Han, with being a good man, whatever that means — it’s like you’ve forgotten I’m a particular woman and not just some bimbo you feel you ought to do right by!”

“Cut that out,” he said gruffly. “That ain’t true and you know it. Just come on back—“

“No, I don’t think I will! Despite what you may think you’ve no obligation to look after me at all times and I’m perfectly capable of spending a night alone — as alone as I can be — because as you’ve made so abundantly clear if not for you I have no one!”

One of the women in the group was stepping out, a man she was with lingering and waiting while she approached them, and he ducked his head.

“Leia, just take it easy, Kriff, alright?” he muttered, settling a hand on her side as if to placate her, and just as she shoved his hands off pretty fucking roughly that’s when the woman said, her voice calm but firm,

“Is everything okay here?”

 _Oh for fuck’s sake,_ he thought, half-tempted to slam his head against the corridor wall. “Fine, thanks,” he grunted, angling his body away to block Leia’s as well.

“Is it everything okay, Your Highness?” she repeated, looking at Leia, who exhaled noisily, clearly also peeved at being an object of concern.

“Yes, I’m fine. Thank you.”

The woman frowned and didn’t retreat, assessing them still.

“We’re fine, alright, just a little emotional over here, but thanks for your concern,” Han said flatly, giving her a tight grin, pissed at being taken as someone who could harm her.

“Emotional,” Leia scoffed under her breath, but she tried to give the woman a sincere nod. “Thank you, but we’re really okay,” she began, before seeming to trail off with recognition. “Oh,” she said, genuinely surprised. “It’s Shara, isn’t it?”

“Guilty as charged,” the woman said casually, her eyes moving between the two of them.

Leia looked a bit stunned, but he just glared. “Listen. Don’t know what you’ve got in your head but it ain’t like that—“

“I’m not assuming anything,” the woman said, putting up her hands. “Sorry to offend. Listen, my husband Kes and I are headed back to our place, it’s just around this corner — you’re welcome to come in and rest your feet for a second. Aren’t your quarters kind of far? And I remember those days — and with those boots? Your feet must be killing you,” she said to Leia, giving her a genuine, concerned smile.

“Thank you. The Falcon is just as close, though,” Leia reassured her, though he could tell she wanted to say more. Han shuffled awkwardly — he’d gotten what he wanted, she was coming with him, but now he felt like shit, being taken for someone who’d hurt her — as he saw the woman, Shara, look back and check in with the man she was with. Her husband, then.

 _Right_ , he remembered abruptly. _Shara Bey and Kes Dameron – they were married, they had a kid._ A little kid, a toddler. A little boy.

“Alright then,” Shara said, frowning a bit but giving Leia’s arm a squeeze. “Have a good evening, Princess.” She gave Han a nod. “General.”

Leia looked after her as the pair walked away, her posture growing tenser still. Resigned. “Let’s go back to the Falcon, sweetheart,” he mumbled, very slowly setting an arm around her and giving her a light squeeze when she didn’t protest.

“Okay,” she said, her low, husky voice almost empty of emotion – just vacant and tired, and he winced. He felt like shit, when this happened. When they when at each other over and over and suddenly she just gave in. A nastier Han had hated her for using that tactic, for making him feel so bad, but now he just – well. Felt bad.

They headed to the Falcon in silence, her feeling like so much cold stiffness under his arm, staring straight ahead, unemotional. When they were just up the ramp, she let him help her feet out of her boots instead of making a big show of how she could, albeit with much difficulty, do it herself. Her squeezed her foot as he slipped the boot off, kneeling before her with his head ducked. It was swollen, he could tell. Probably ached. He gave it a little rub, but she didn’t move a muscle. So he stalled a little, hoping she would thaw, getting her some tea and clearing some stuff off the table of the booth and cleaning up a bit. Trying to figure out what the hell to say to her.

“Han,” she finally said, resting her elbows on the table and giving him a weary look. “Please – I’m tired.”

“Yeah, Lei, I just––”

He was interrupted by Chewie, though, appearing from his room and roaring his surprise at seeing both of them there, wanting to know how it went. Leia gave him a look that was also weary. She and Chewie hadn’t been on the best of terms lately. Chewie didn’t really understand the whole adoption thing, it wasn’t common on Kashyyyk, even in the case of parental death a child went to a relative, and unheard of for a couple. And while he hadn’t said anything to her upfront, his general gruff demeanor and Leia’s tendency to avoid him had made it all obvious.

“Went fine. Great. Not right now, alright?” Han said curtly, drumming his fingers on the table and taking a seat across from Leia.

Chewie grunted, asking if Leia was alright.

“Yeah, yeah, she’s fine you big worrier,” he said, covering Leia’s hand with his – she let him but didn’t say anything, or seem to react. “Now give us some space, alright?”

Chewie grunted his disapproval but disappeared again. Leia sighed, laughing softly. “He loathes me.”

“Not true, princess.”

“He thinks very little of me, then.”

“Just doesn’t quite get it. Okay? But – the rest of us do, alright?”

She nodded a little, still staring off into space. “I wish Luke had come back already,” she confessed, and he tried to quell the acute frustration that rose up inside of him. _Luke?! Luke?!_

“Yeah,” he said through slightly clenched teeth. “I’m worried about him too.”

“It would be nice to have another friend here,” she murmured, rubbing her eyes.

“Leia,” he said, clearing his throat awkwardly, reaching out and tipping up her chin, and moving her hands so she had to look at him. “Know it sounds cheesy, but y’know I’m your friend, right?”  

She laughed a little, the first real emotion from her since, but still it sounded so sad. Fuck. Miserable, tired, swollen feet, heartbroken and fucked. “Thanks, honey,” she murmured, shaking her head.

“M’worried about you,” he said, cutting right to it. “What happened back there – you told me that was ‘xactly what you wanted and you acted completely spooked. M’tryin’ to respect your wishes and not ask you about this all the time, but this is crazy – it’s – look – fuck, we gotta discuss it, alright, if this ain’t what you want no more you gotta say somethin’, _now_.”

“It’s what I want,” she said, with great effort, as though she were just – exhausted.

“‘Cause back there… you seemed _miserable._ ”

“I don’t want to be around them,” she murmured. “I don’t – Han, you must understand – it’s very painful to have to imagine in great, great detail what her life will be like without us––”

He stared at her. He couldn’t stop staring at her. “You keep sayin’ _her_. _Her_.”

“I don’t want it!” she gasped out, and she looked so tired and upset he almost jerked back. “I promise you, I don’t – but that doesn’t mean I don’t care for it – it doesn’t mean I don’t want the best for it – it doesn’t mean I’m not invested – aren’t you invested?”

“Yeah, I’m really invested,” he said, trying not to get angry. “I’m really damn invested – feel like you’ve been getting mad at me for showin’ too much investment, actually––”

“It’s difficult, I’m sorry,” she murmured. “That’s hard too, for me – when you show – it’s quite difficult when you show interest.”

“Well I don’t know what to do then, alright?” he asked, leaning back. “‘Cause I care – I know it’s not – I know I won’t be its dad or whatever, I know it’s not happening to me, but I can’t not care. Okay? I can’t not care, I can’t ignore it. Can’t – pretend it’s just a – guest, or whatever it is you’re always saying.”

“Houseguest,” she said quietly, biting her lip delicately and looking down as she rubbed her belly with almost – protective affection.

“When you do shit like that,” he said slowly, “when you look so – it’s really hard to believe that you really – I just – if you’re so invested, how’re you gonna do no contact? How’re you – I mean––?”

“Too painful. I’m sorry if I sprung that on you – and if you need something else, we can – we should talk, but...” She was still looking down, retreated back into herself.

“So you’re in pain, then,” he said, voice low, trying to catch her eye again. This was, without a doubt, the longest he’d gone not freaking out in a serious conversation about their relationship, not storming off or shutting down, “So you’re admitting right now that you’re – Kriff. That all this is _hurting_ you.”

She gave him a long, hard, _Leia_ look, her big eyes so full of emotion and exhaustion and everything, so much so that he wanted to look away.

Alright, then – confirmed. It was hurting her. Hurting her bad. Duh. Of course. He’d be an idiot to think anything else.

“Tell me what to do,” he said, his voice lower, serious, head ducked to catch her eyes.

She smiled a little at the futility as she shook her head.

“Just – _please_ , sweetheart, for fuck’s sake––”

“I’m not being coy. I don’t know how you can help.”

He nodded a little, leaning back and exhaling loudly. “Well if you think of somethin’. Anything, princess.”

She gave a half-smile. “Promise me you won’t stop wanting to go to bed with me as I get even huger?”

“Think you’re hot as hell. Always.”

“Oh, Han…” she said, rolling her eyes a little. He frowned – he didn’t think he’d understood, how much it bothered how, how much she really seemed to feel – _ugly_. As if that were possible.

“No place I’d rather be, alright? Then in bed with you. An’ I’ll sort out a bigger one, alright? ‘Cause I miss wakin’ up with you beside me.”

“No place, really.”

“Than inside your hot little body, that’s right,” he teased gently.

“Well, it isn’t little anymore, and you best make use of the inside of it while you can because I fear it will be irrevocably changed in circa ten weeks,” she quipped, a faint smile returning to her face.

“Speaking of which. Gotta plan for that, yeah? You’ll let me help?”

“Yes,” she confessed, sighing.

“That’s my girl.”

“It feels so funny to say I hope someday things can go back to how they were before. Because we’ve never had things quite perfectly. Or anywhere close. And yet…”

“Y’know they can’t, right?” he said, finally unable to hide it. “Can’t be the same.”

“I know,” she said, and both of them winced at the word choice – an echo of that moment long ago, so fucking different it was almost incomprehensible that they were the same people. She’d been pregnant then, of course. Right. He’d already done this to her, put her in pain.

“I do like them,” she said after a moment. “I do – they clearly love each other, they’re mature and responsible, and they will clearly clearly love – it.”

“You wanna say her, say her, alright?” he said. “Don’t even – do whatever you want, Lei, just fuck it all.”

“I’m being protective, remember,” she said, giving a wry, anxious smile. “I’m trying not to get hurt.”

“Fuck this whole – it’s gonna hurt, no matter what,” he blurted out, then grimacing as soon as he said it. “Right? I mean.” He searched her face frantically. “Right?”

A small nod, so slight he didn’t notice it at first, and then she was there, burrowing into his side and pulling his arms around her and taking some shallow breaths. Here he was, then, holding her tight, kissing her hair and mumbling about how much he loved her, like it’d been before except not, what he wanted, back like it’d been before, her so vulnerable against him. He said he’d help her, she’d let him help her. Now he just had to figure out how.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moving into a new stage of our story now after this chapter. Your reviews are so important and keep me going! Keep them coming! Especially/even if you’ve never reviewed until now!


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a transition chapter… T rating is pushed a bit… but thank you guys so much for the amazing reviews!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cheesy cliffhanger!! A new phase is coming!! Leave your thoughts!!

“We met them,” Leia confessed mildly over her shoulder, digging her knuckles into her back and glancing ahead impatiently. “Han came as well, it was - strange. But ultimately useful.”

“Where are they from?” Evaan asked, polishing up her blaster’s individual parts, those calloused hands always at work. It was late at night – too late, normally, for mandatory functions, but of course this was typical for a rare mandatory all-females event – schedule it for when no one was needed, nothing else happening, not enough of them to be able to really protest. It had been like this monthly since they’d relocated to Home One since Hoth – the full story of it was that after the Hoth base’s destruction they’d not only lost their supplies but also fallen out of the favor of their old menstrual product supplier, who gave them cups, meaning they’d had to switch to far inferior supplier, who only had belted napkins. That meant monthly line-ups, right at the first of it, so some stuttering junior recruit could mete out each menstruating woman’s predetermined monthly allocation.

Little wonder that female recruits seemed more lithe these days – it had apparently become something of a special training regimen, to try to stop or shorten your cycle and thus avoid the unforgiving, insufficient pads. Though, there were few things that amused Leia more than getting to read a memo directly from Jan Dodonna on behalf of High Command formally discouraging all attempts to induce amenorrhea.

Today, however, the line was very full, this motley assortment of the handful of women involved in this operation, medics and suppliers and intel and a rare pilot, all with tired eyes and shaking hands and fraying nerves but present nonetheless, in the hopes of a bra that fits. Apparently the supply teams had finally come across a reliable one-time source for supportive compression camisoles, fantastic athletic alternatives to the cone style they’d all been stuck with since the Hoth evacuation. She’d have to ask Han, afterwards, if he’d had a role in it – on the one hand, surely he’d heard her complain enough, but on the other, did he really know the difference? It wasn’t like he thought of her bras as anything other than an intermediary between her wearing a shirt and her topless?

The camisoles were why she was in line, when she hadn’t been in a few months – those first few, after Bespin, she had been, getting these stacks of napkins she would forget about and then never end up using. She’d been stupid…

“They aren’t Alderaanian,” Leia said, preempting the question.

“There’s always Naboo, or another matriarchal society.”

“All I know is that they want to live somewhere remote.”

Evaan frowned with distaste as they shuffled forward.

“Now, now,” Leia admonished halfheartedly. “Your Core World elitism is showing.”

“Not elitism, just concern. A child of your blood, growing up on some backwards, oppressive, old-fashioned––?”

“Well, technically a _male_ child of my blood would serve to _benefit_ from Old World patriarchal structures, same as any other.”

Evaan jerked up, eyes flashing and serious and urgent. “Who was the princess who once told me that beings of all genders suffer under patriarchal powers!”

“It was a joke, Verlaine.”

“Hm. I didn’t know if maybe all that time with Solo was getting to you.”

“Oh, hush,” Leia dismissed as they shuffled forward further yet, rubbing the side of her belly – how quickly she had gone from refusing to say it to just conceding that _abdomen_ was hardly the right word for the convex monstrosity jutting out before her – and trying not to notice that Evaan was peering at her doing so. “He’s a good man.”

Evaan scoffed. “Oxymoronic.”

“Well, then you’ll be happy to know the couple is in fact two women.”

“All the more reason not to live in some agrarian hotbed of prejudice, patriarchy, and phallus idolatry.”

“When I do it I prefer to call it giving head, you know,” Leia quipped, quirking a eyebrow. “Phallus idolatry doesn’t quite roll off the _tongue_.”

“That’s a relief.”

“Is it!”

“You used to favor ‘going down’, no? Rather than ‘giving head’ — and that’s good, I’d hate to share a vocabulary with – that _particular_ form of worship.”

Leia snorted but her stomach turned over as well – she felt just a tad uncomfortable, for the first time really, about their past relationship – if you could call it that, more _friends with benefits_ than anything else – and rubbed her abdomen in an almost defensive, protective gesture. “I was under the impression that I referred to it as, ‘stopgap solution for crippling depersonalization and despair.’”

“Well, it never called for contraception.”

“Is that the case? It seems like I wouldn’t have remembered either way.”

Evaan all but snorted. “You have been spending too much time with Solo. So certain everything that moves is just desperate to go to bed with go to bed with you.”

“I mean – he does – I do – well. We only go to bed with each other, you know,” she murmured humorlessly, her mood fading fast. That was an understatement, of course – they’d been going to bed together with ever greater frequency, these days – collapsing into his arms at the end of each long day and having it out in one of their beds – or on the floor, or over a table, with maybe only the wall being out of the question because he refused to lift her. Otherwise, everywhere else. Anything else – stuff they hadn’t done before, even, which included anal and while she didn’t exactly find that especially _pleasurable_ or even comfortable, per se, but it did help her achieve the goal – feeling raw, feeling _something_. Sex like a scream – saying everything she was still trying, somehow, to avoid letting tumble out of her mouth. Instead of _I am growing more and more on edge and panicked and paranoid every day_ saying some inane combination of _harder-faster_ - _more-more-more!_

And they had been tumbling out a bit, anyway. Not as words, but as vomit – like those first few months again, she’d been sick constantly since – well, since that meeting, since the fight with Han, since he’d made her admit to the ever-looming hurt. Well. Now that hurt was exploding out of her in the form of stinging acidic bile. Medical promised it was just stress and hormones – she’d gone in at Han’s request – but that didn’t mean it was any less uncomfortable.

Sex and sickness, then. A woman who’d spent her entire life regarding her corporeal as merely a tool of her mind – she _would_ be made a slave to the whims of her body, in the end.

Wasn’t sure where that _in the end_ comment came from. She’d felt so spooked these days. Just – jumpy. Freaky. Why the sex felt so good – a chance to stop thinking, forget about everything, just _be._

Just be. On all fours, screaming, sweaty, and present. And then afterwards, half-knocked out and sleepy, hearing him exhaling into her ear, mumbling about his day, feeling him rub her abdomen. They’d been doing this thing, since then, since she’d started puking again – saying everything even when it would surely fuck them up later? So as he held her he’d mumble things like _Bet it is a girl, you know what, an’ bet she’s gonna have all that hair, lots of it, gonna come right out with those damned buns like the first time I saw you._ And that’s what she’d doze off to, ‘til she was up to be sick again.

“You’re getting along, then?” Evaan was asking with carefully practiced casualness. “I – well. I did hear a rumor you’d been fighting in the south passageway and––”

“Evaan, honestly,” she said, doing her best to be convincingly indignant. “Yes, of course we’re getting along.”

"He likes the couple as well?”

“Yes. He likes them well enough.”

“He isn’t concerned about the lack of a strong male presence?” Evaan deadpanned.

“Han’s more evolved than you think. When I told him I like women he was very mature about it – he didn’t make jokes, even. In fact he was quite hurt that I hadn’t told him before… and honestly, between us, I think he’d feel more threatened if there were another man set to be the houseguest’s father.”

Evaan grinned a little at that. “How very evolved.”

“I do love him. It’s – you know. It’s difficult. With – everything – I don’t know, I worry, I can’t articulate – there is never a time, for us. There is never a time that is our time. Until the Empire is defeated there will never be – and even then. There will be no time for me.”

She didn’t know she was thinking it until she said it. And even then she wasn’t quite sure what it meant. But it felt so right – even if there was no Empire, there would be a lost child – all her old grief – all this old baggage…

“Can I ask you something?” Evaan asked suddenly. “How did you – I mean, if you don’t mind me asking. But I was surprised, when you got him back – I was surprised that even with him here you settled upon this – this choice.”

Leia settled her hands protectively over her stomach and looked down. “I told him where I had been without him and we never really discussed a reason for that to change.” She frowned slightly. “I never gave up on him. I never believed he was dead.”

“Of course, Princess––”

“I always knew we would be reunited.”

“But you still––”

“I don’t need this again, please. Not from you – I know how you feel, I know I’m betraying the monarchy, I’m five weeks out Evaan, please just––”

“I’m sorry. Forgive me.”

“Alderaan isn’t coming back – Han did. I brought him back, I can’t bring Alderaan back––”

“Of course, Princess––”

“And of course you must know that because I have no royal blood – well. That the tenant is biologically more related to the tradition of wartime adoption than to the House of Organa.”

“You’re the House of Organa, Leia, you know this––”

“I’m a foundling of circumstance, same as Han – same as this one,” Leia said, ducking her head again. “It’s practically a genetic tradition. Yes, Organa, Leia,” she said, addressing the young recruit behind the dispensary counter. He flushed, like he knew who he was. Well, of course he did.

“Princess,” he said awkwardly, sliding over a stack of napkins.

“No no,” Leia said, giving an amused half-smile, half-frown, sliding them back. “I don’t need, thank you.”

“Actually – well,” Evaan piped up, clearing her throat. “Well – by next month? It’s not out of the question.”

Leia felt the blood drain from her face. Why hadn’t she thought of that? “I suppose you’re right,” she said tightly, embarrassed and annoyed.

“Please give her extra at that, the bleeding’s heavy afterwards,” Evaan said firmly.

 _Afterwards? Afterwards – after_ childbirth _, gods…_

“Yes. Please do,” Leia said stiffly, clenching her fingers.

“Of course, Princess,” the recruit said uncomfortably, handing her two stacks.

“And you’ll need to give her medium camisoles at least,” Evaan added over her shoulder. “I’m sure she’s down as X-S, but that’s rather outdated.”

“Medium, Your Highness?” the recruit said nervously.

Leia attempted to cross her arm over her breasts, red and embarrassed and irked. It was unsuccessful. She realized abruptly, almost angrily – she didn’t know, what would she do, once the houseguest made its debut, about her breasts – about – lactation, whatever – and would her breasts ever – _return_ , to how they’d been before? She didn’t _know_ anyone who’d been pregnant, not intimately, and every time she remembered that fact she grew mortified and angry – would her breasts always look like this, reminding her? For weeks afterwards, after she’d handed her off – handed it off – to Stella and – to the parents. Would she – she hadn’t thought about the fact that she would _leak?_

This stupid mess, this aching situation, spilling outside of itself like the bile, like her screams – dripping, dripping, never going away…

“Well, I’m clearly not extra-small,” she snapped, then cleared her throat. “Sorry. Ah. Yes, mediums, now that I think about it.”

Meanwhile, on the other side of Home One, Han Solo was staring blearily into cold kaffe. He was getting sick of these late-night meetings, real sick, but it was the only time Rieekan and him were both free, and Chewie’d reluctantly agreed to provide a consistent alibi. Shit, an alibi? No use pretending he wasn’t deceiving her now, fuck, the mere fact that they were crammed into Rieekan’s shit office instead of on the Falcon indicated as much but – a fucking alibi, for fuck’s sake. Gods, she was gonna kill him – well she could only kill him if he made it through this meeting. “Meeting.” And anyway, Rieekan wouldn’t even be here – that made it all the more suspect.

Wouldn’t be here, because he was doing other Leia-related business, talking to a contact about somewhere she could go. They could go – he’d be there obviously, he had to be there, when – when she had the thing, when she – yeah. Not quite a bunker but – somewhere remote, not a lot of humans, few sentients, some kind of medic, somewhere they could get easily. Stella and Lu could get easily too. Complicated – how to not make it feel like drop off, pick up.

Somewhere he would be – couldn’t imagine it. Waiting with her, for it to come, happen to them, happen to her, it would happen to _her_ – how to make it not feel – grim. Leia was starting to try to say that she was glad, that she wanted to give something, pay something forward. Would she be able to keep that up when it was – happening? Would she cry? During – afterwards...? Would he – see it, would she – would she want to hold it – would he hold it – would she be alright if he wanted to maybe – once possibly hold it? Just to know?  

Finally, fucking finally, the door swung open. “Sorry I’m late,” said Shara Bey, nudging her way in. “Supply got new bras, long line. I saw Leia near the front, she’s looking good,” she said, giving him a friendly but firm nod and sitting in the seat beside him. She’d called her just Leia without prompting – he trusted her immediately.

“You talk to her?” Han grunted.

“No, just saw her from afar. She looked healthy, though.”

“Good,” he said seriously, and she gave him a funny look, like – _don’t you see her every day?_ Well he did, but he didn’t know what to look for.

“So. You wanna tell me what this meeting’s about?” Shara asked, leaning back casually, taking up space in a way that – was honestly comforting, for him. He liked women like this – in charge, no nonsense. They were easy to talk to. And boy did he need easy to talk to.

“S’about Leia,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. “But this stays between us, alright?”

She frowned at him. “About Leia. But Leia won’t be joining us?”

“She’s got a lot on her mind, would rather just – handle it for her,” he said, clearing his throat uncomfortably.

Shara frowned again but didn’t say anything.

“I’m – we’re – makin’ some plans, on – when it, y’know. Happens, comes.” So what if she thought the _we_ referred to him and Leia and not him and Carlist?

“Uh-huh,” Shara said, nodding slowly. “Well, I’d hope so.”

“And no one here’s – stocked for that kind of thing so just – thought maybe you could tell me,” he said gruffly, clasping his hands together. “Just – gimme a list, maybe. What she – what we need. On hand.”

Shara looked like she wanted to laugh, but instead she just raised her eyebrows. “You didn’t want to ask medical?”

“No one there’s delivered a baby,” he muttered, letting his distaste show.

She nodded again. “And you figured I was the closest…?”

Han looked at her kind of helplessly.

“Well,” Shara allowed. “I guess that’s a fair assessment.” She sighed and shook her head again though. “But it’s not like I was especially _present_ for most of it. If you like, I’d be happy to talk to Leia, though, about what she can expect?”

"Yeah, yeah sure but that’s not the – whatever you can remember, alright? Anything. If you were – out, for most of it, I – you think your – think Dameron would––?”

“Kes wasn’t there,” she said. “I got off earlier – I was at my dad’s, Kes’s furlough wasn’t approved until a few weeks later.”

“Huh. Sorry to hear that?”

She shrugged a little, as if to say, _military life, what can you do?_ “So it was me, a midwife droid, and a doula.”

“Yeah, no droids, that’s not gonna fly with her, she don’t do droids – doula…?”

 “It’s a woman who assists during childbirth, provides support – I’m sure it’s customary on Alderaan too, she’d know what I’m talking about.”

“Yeah, well I don’t know how the hell I’ll find one of those but – alright, so the droid – a doctor, a person could do – whatever the droid…?”

“Right, so if I remember correctly it had – hmm, a fetal heart monitor, maternal heart rate, and then it also measured effacement and dilation – that’s how much her cervix has––?” Shara used her index finger and thumb, first pinched together then gradually spread apart, to indicate, and he grimaced and waved his hand.

“Yeah yeah, I got that – alright, fetal heart, maternal heart, dilation, what was the other––?”

“Effacement – that’s the cervix shortening, thinning – and then in terms of actual objects, I’m not a doctor, Solo, but you can get stirrups from medical, supplies for stitches, that’s all there, but you obviously need someone to _do_ those stitches.”

“Stitches, stirrups,” he muttered, nodding.

“Your real issue is going to be pain management, though – there’s always natural, but she should have options – it would be much easier if she were here, though.”

“She can’t do needles, what’ve ya got that’s no needles?”

“I don’t have anything, but – I mean, no needles, that’s tough – you’re gonna want to give her fluids, so I don’t know.” She raised her eyebrows meaningfully before saying pointedly, “It would be easier, if she were here.”

“Fluids – s’dehydration a problem, or––?”

“Listen, Solo,” she said, leaning forward and clasping her hands together. “I can tell you’re going to be a great dad, alright? But trying to manage everything for her – you’ve got to be in it together, that’s parenting. Alright?” She gave him a smile and clasped her hand on his shoulder. “Let me know if she wants to chat. I’d be happy to talk to her. And if you’d like I’ll see if Kes could talk with you?” She gave him a cheeky grin, teasing lightly, “Father to father to be, you know, all that.”

He felt – tense, like a liar, like he’d been played but he wasn’t sure by who. “Yeah. No. Yeah uh – I’ll see if Leia wants to talk. Thanks, sister.”

By the time he got back to the Falcon, Leia was in the bunk, asleep – which, honestly was unusual these days, yeah she was more tired than usual, and sick a lot too, but she’d also been – insatiable, recently. Didn’t really know how to feel about that – about how good it felt to be – rough with her, she’d wanted him to be pretty rough with her and he’d been a pretty enthusiastic participant. Didn’t want to think about that too much. He was trying to get undressed and in bed beside her, as well as he could fit, quietly, when he heard her murmur sleepily, “Mmm… who’s there?”

“Just me,” he said, patting her side a little.

She sounded only half-conscious. “Oh… you’re late… it’s late...”

“Yeah,” he said, even though it wasn’t that late. “Go back to sleep, babe.”

“Mm, I can’t – she’s so fu-u-ussy,” she mumbled, patting her stomach a bit before going back to rubbing it in small circles. Not sweetly or anything but – earnestly, like earnestly, and he tensed because – yeah, “fussy” and “she” and – and that wasn’t how you talked about a pregnancy it was how you talked about a baby and – and he spent so much time trying not to do that that the fact that she did it so casually was – fucking hard.

“Need somethin’?”

But she was asleep again, probably – or basically, dozing, her hand still moving gently, ‘cause she didn’t reply. In the morning he wouldn’t tell her about seeing Shara but he would make plans to extemporaneously ask if she’d ever thought about talking to her – he’d take her roughly in the shower – she’d rub the lotion he’d gotten her into her skin while grimacing at all those lines around her waist, she’d check her datapad and frown – “Mon wants to meet with me, as soon as possible.”

“As soon as possible?”

“Yes – I haven’t the faintest idea why.”

“Maybe it’s about that campaign,” he’d said, only a bit pointed – yeah, he also didn’t think it was a good idea, her broadcasting her vulnerability across the galaxy.

Leia would shake her head. “She wants to meet with you as well. With both of us.”

“General Solo. Princess. You look well, dear,” Mon would say kindly, and Leia would narrow her eyes with distrust. “How soon are you due?”

“Thank you. I don’t know precisely, but in about five weeks.” And the look on Leia’s face would reveal how surreal it felt, that her mentor didn’t know, hadn’t seen her in ages.

“Carlist told me you both took to the couple.”

Han would grunt, and Leia would attempt to cross her arms. “They’re good people, yes. Please – what’s this about, Mon?”

“This photo campaign, Princess… I have to admit that I’m displeased. I specifically disapproved it. I’m concerned about––”

“I’m very aware of your disapproval.”

“Let me finish – I’m concerned about the Empire’s – well. Well, let me start with this: we’ve interrupted transmissions that make it clear that the Empire’s leadership is aware of the pregnancy and––”

“And what? They’re certain they’ll crush us, there’s no reason for _them_ to be concerned if I gain sympathy or support––”

“It’s more complicated than that. There – well. There is reason to believe that the – that the high-ranking leadership has a particular interest in your – in your offspring, Leia.”

“Particular interest how?” Han would ask in a low voice.

“That’s absurd,” Leia would insist simultaneously.

“I know it sounds ridiculous, but––”

“This has got to be the most inane excuse I’ve heard yet, Mon, if you’re going to disapprove there’s no need to make up some story––”

“I am not lying. This may be difficult to hear, but I’m worried about your safety, Princess. These transmissions – I don’t want to mince words, I’m very, very worried.”

“An’ you’re just tellin’ us now, huh!”

“Why would the Imperial leadership––!”

“Please relax, I promise we will be able to keep you safe. That’s why I’ve called you in.”

“Why – why on earth would the Imperial leadership have a vested interest in my – in my _baby_ ––” She would tell him later she was so anxious she hadn’t even realized immediately that those words – that that particular word – had tumbled out of her mouth, that she felt bad when Han visibly flinched.

“That’s what we’re here to discuss – it’s about – it’s about your – your family, Leia.”

“My family!” His hand would be firmly on her knee by that point, as if to keep her steady, so he’d feel it when she practically leapt out of her seat.

“Please, you must believe I have your best interests at heart – but this is why I called you in, privately, because I don’t – I don’t think it’d be best that you hear this from me…”

“Mon, this is ridiculous, it’s––!”

But her hand would be on a buzzer then, calling, “Yes, come in now please.”

And then, there, walking through her door with an armed recruit, fresh from his briefing and having been intercepted immediately after landing – and Han would feel something like relief and jealousy, the way he sometimes felt when someone else was able to make Leia exuberantly happy, make her light up with surprise and wonder when these days all she was before him was either trying to use sex to leave her body or in misery because of that body, that body that was his fault… Still, he had to grin, shocked and confused and pleasantly surprised, when she gasped his name––

“Luke?”


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A rather eventful chapter – a turning point. Forgive the emotional whiplash – a lot of information comes out here.

“Luke!” she gasped again, and then she was struggling and sinking her fingernails into Han’s arm – “Han, help me up,” she hissed, and he snorted before getting up, helping her to her feet with one hand and reaching out to give Luke a one-armed embrace with the other.

“Where the hell’ve you been, huh?” Han demanded, clapping the younger man on the back as Leia got her footing.

“Yes, I do need to be hoisted these days – oh, I’ve missed you,” Leia exclaimed, rushing to hug him. Luke had a sad-happy smile on, and got his arms around her as well as he could. “I’m not very hugable now either,” she noted, squeezing him and kissing his cheek, and he chuckled a little, faintly.

“You got big, Lei,” he noted, smiling a little at her.

“I made it,” she agreed, shaking her head in surprise. “Well – I’ve almost made it,” she amended, and as she squeezed him again Han realized, for the first time really, that it really had been her and Luke, for most of it – he’d been the first person she told, the only person she’d had to talk to, the only line of defense against a judgmental world. The first time she’d felt it moving? What had she said? _I commed Luke,_ she’d confessed, rolling her eyes and making fun of herself, _because I was crying_.

_You were cryin’? ‘Cause you were alone?_

_No, no. Because it made it real to me, that there was something – someone – that had taken root inside me._

Now Leia was searching Luke’s eyes. His hands had – taken root – on her sides, and he was commenting again on the size of her – bump wasn’t really appropriate, she was too big now. She looked serious, though: “What is it? Why has Mon sequestered you here?”

Mon? Mon. Right. She was still there, behind her desk, looking serious and talking in a low, urgent voice into her comm. He didn’t trust Mothma on a lot of things but he did trust her, mostly, when it came to Leia’s safety. Or, he didn’t trust that everything Mon said was safe, was safe. But if she said it wasn’t…

Leia’s safety. Leia’s family. Leia’s – baby? For now. The baby Leia was renting to. The – baby, size of a baby now, there abouts – Leia. Leia’s family. About her family. The Imperials and her baby. The baby she was loaning her body and blood and nutrients to, who kept her body up all night, made her sick, made the girl who didn’t cry cry often. This generous thing, this brutal gift.

“I won’t lie to you. It’s important,” Luke confessed, and Leia’s brow furrowed further.

“Important how? Luke, if you’re in danger, we –” she indicated Han then, serious, “We will help you, we will do anything.”

“Anything,” Han agreed a bit late, pulled out of his thoughts.

“I know that, you guys. Thank you,” Luke said, squeezing Leia’s hand.

Just then, Mon looked up from her communications. “Good timing. I’ve just received some rather urgent information from a scouting mission, which will give you some privacy. Make yourselves comfortable – Skywalker, you’re to brief the Princess on the information we discussed?” she confirmed. “And Captain Solo – with your permission, Leia – I took the liberty of assuming…”

Han didn’t know why he was uncertain that she’d automatically give permission, but he was, so it was a pleasant surprise when Leia immediately grabbed his hand and squeezed it, hard, her other hand going straight to her stomach before saying firmly, “Of course I want him here.”

“That’s what I thought,” Mon said with a half smile, rising, and then they were the three of them, three and a half maybe? Suddenly alone.

“Luke, you have the strangest look on your face,” Leia was saying, releasing Han’s hand to touch Luke’s shoulder.

“I don’t even know where to begin,” he confessed.

“Mon seems to think I’m in some kind of danger, that the Imperials have some kind of – intent, interest when it comes to the houseguest? How could that be?” she prompted.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, Leia – I don’t want you to be upset…”

“If I’m unsafe here I’ll strategize to move elsewhere, I won’t be upset – right now I’m concerned about _you_.”

“Do you remember your mother?” Luke asked suddenly. “Your real mother – birth mother,” he corrected quickly.

Leia stiffened. “No. Of course not. She died in childbirth.”

“I never knew my mother either,” Luke said. “I don’t even know her name – but my father––”

“Anakin Skywalker, yes,” Leia recalled, clearly lost, and Han was too.

“He was a Jedi knight, despite their codes of celibacy – so he – he had the power I have, to use the Force…” Luke said slowly. “So hypothetically, if I had an children – they would be even more powerful, because – a third generation Force-user is practically unheard of…”

“I can’t tell if you’re trying to tell me you’ve improbably gotten someone pregnant or that you’d like dibs on renting out my womb next so to breed an uber-Jedi,” Leia deadpanned.

“An’ you’re queer enough ‘m leanin’ towards the latter,” Han added, snorting.

Luke didn’t even laugh. “No, you’re – Leia, I have that power, right, and if I had children––”

“Just because I’m the only human woman you talk to doesn’t mean there aren’t other options when it comes to surrogates, you know, if you’re really thinking that far ahead, though I have to tell you Luke, no matter who you’ve meant it seems a bit early to––”

“You two didn’t fuck, did you?” Han asked suddenly – it sounded so ridiculous when he said it, but it sort of worked––

“ _Of course we didn’t_ ,” Leia hissed, and indeed Luke looked faintly ill at the idea––

“Jus’ ‘cause sort of sounds like kid thinks he’s the father and is tryin’ to tell you you’re carryin’ some proto-super-Jedi, huh? That the bad guys want their hands on?” Han asked, throwing up his hands. “Call me crazy, but sure sounds like that – don’t care if he’s gay, you’re a good-looking woman – plus you’re like two-thirds a dyke and you’re still my girl––”

“ _Han!_ ” Leia snapped, but she seemed faintly amused – until Luke cleared his throat.

“You’re remarkably perceptive sometimes, Han,” Luke said in that Jedi voice of his, all wise and all-knowing.

“Perceptive how,” Leia demanded, her face draining of all color, Han’s thoughts reeling – _perceptive, so did they fuck after all, I could kind of see it, a pity fuck, maybe, if she was feeling guilty..._

“I think you know already,” Luke said quietly.

“ _Perceptive how_.”

“It’s a power I have, that my children would have. And a power my sister, and my sister’s child, would have, too.”

Han’s response, for one, was swift and unforgiving: “What the fuck?”

“No,” Leia said, shaking her head and looking faintly ill. “No, Luke––”

“I know you know it’s true.”

“No – no, and even if it were true, that I could be your – you have a power I could never have, I have nothing of the sort.”

“Sorry – you think _Leia’s_ your long-lost sister? What makes you even think you have a sister, kid, huh?”

“Leia… you know this…”

“I know,” she confessed in a slow, cautious voice. “Somehow I think I’ve always known.”

“Always known – what the damn hell––?”

“You’ve always felt –  you’ve always felt like a brother but I suppose I thought it was because we were both gay––”

“That’s what I thought too,” Luke admitted, laughing a little, and Leia covered her mouth with her hand and shook her head, somewhere between laughing and crying.

“I thought – I thought I had no family left, I thought––!”

“You’re serious?” Han demanded, staring at them. “You’re both serious.”

“You weren’t there – we communicated, telepathically, on Bespin––” Leia said through her fingers – he’d never seen her so _emotional_ – her eyes were practically _glittering_ – was it a testament to how isolated she felt, how lonely – didn’t she realize what Luke was implying––?!

“She saved me,” Luke confirmed, reaching out to squeeze her arm. “You have that power, Leia, this is what I mean––”

“You’re a – a – landlord uncle of sorts – Luke I’ve missed you so much––”

“Hold on – I thought, I thought you said – thought you said, if she has the power, the houseguest does too – said I was perceptive, I said the Imps––”

“That’s right,” Luke said, nodding seriously. “A third generation Force-user––”

“How do they know?” Leia demanded. “If the houseguest is truly – what you say she is – how would they _know_?”

“It’s a girl?” Luke interrupted, and Han wanted to break something – girl, boy, who cares, wouldn’t matter if Leia ended up _dead_ ––

“It’s just something I’ve taken to saying, it’s an instinct,” Leia dismissed quickly.

“But that instinct, that’s the Force – I bet she _is_ a girl––”

“Boy or girl don’t matter, how do the damn Imps know Her Worship’s pregnant with some super Jedi?” Han ground out through clenched teeth, snaking his arm around Leia’s shoulders protectively – though yeah, he had to admit, maybe there was a part of his head pounding _girl – girl – girl – girl – little girl – little girl – little girl––_

Leia gasped suddenly. “The Emperor is a Sith as well, isn’t he? I suspected Vader – there were rumors – but––”

“The most recent growth of the houseguest triggered a disturbance in the Force, yes – and that, coupled with the growing galactic knowledge of your––”

“The holos – oh _gods_ ,” Leia groaned, covering her hands with her face. “Did Mon – Mon must’ve known, that’s why she wanted – that’s why she wanted to keep it a secret––”  

“So we’ll outrun ‘em,” Han said determinedly. “We’ll hide ‘er, fine, the baby too – its moms wanna raise it somewhere remote anyway, just ‘cause they know she’s got a bun in the oven don’t mean they know where the hell it’s gonna be after she pops, right?”

“Lovely, just lovely,” Leia said, rolling her eyes but folding her hands over her stomach and leaning close to him, comforted and in planning mode. “Okay – okay, so we need to tell the parents, we need to – find somewhere to go––”

“Got somewhere,” Han said without thinking––

“What do you mean you’ve got somewhere?”

“Me and Rieekan – we got somewhere, been workin’ on it, set up, for you to give birth––”

“ _What?!”_

“Can explain later – point is, we got somewhere safe––”

“It isn’t so simple,” Luke said. “Leia – you understand, how you can sense me closely, because we’re brother and sister – how you can sense the houseguest better than I can, because you’re her – landlord…”

“Yes, yes,” Leia said dismissively. “Han – what are you talking about, you and Carlist, what is this?”

“Leia, listen to me – there’s reason to believe the houseguest might be able to be tracked – by someone who isn’t you. And that you might be able to be tracked by someone who isn’t me, now that you’re on their radar,” Luke insisted, interrupting her.

“What are you talking about?” Leia said again, her voice dark and dangerous. “I don’t understand – what the hell is going on?”

“We’ll talk about it later, alright, right Luke? Point is, we gotta get out of here––”

“Stop saying that and explain to me what is going on!”

“That won’t work, that’s what I’m trying to tell her,” Luke insisted. “It’s – Leia, Anakin Skywalker, our father – he didn’t die, he – he became Darth Vader.”

Leia stared at him for a long moment. Then she rushed to the corner of the room, to Mon’s trash basket, and threw up.

“You shouldn’t’ve told her that,” Han said in a low voice before turning on his heel to check on Leia. “Shouldn’t’ve – not if you’re tryin’ to get her to hide somewhere – she’s not gonna move on from that.”

“That’s just it, though, we _can’t_ hide – he _knows_ I’m here and she’s here, he’ll _know_ where the houseguest is – there’s nowhere to _run_ – that’s why I’m going to face him,” Luke insisted, coming after him.

Han whirled back around. “She’s _eight months pregnant_ , what the _fuck_ ’re you thinking droppin’ that on her?”

“I can hear you,” Leia said hoarsely from her spot on the ground, her face ducked low to the basket. “I don’t need to be treated with kid gloves, I’m a woman not an invalid.”

“So they want her, then,” Han continued, ignoring her. “That’s what you’re sayin’?”

“Her as in Leia or her as in––?”

_(Girl girl girl little girl girl––)_

“Her as in Leia, for fuck’s sake––!”

“I don’t know – all I know is that they know, and that they can find us, and that once the baby is born they’ll be able to find the baby––”

“This is insane – you realize this is fuckin’ insane, right?” Han couldn’t help but saying, dropping down to his knees to rub Leia’s back – she hadn’t said anything in a while, she’d just kept dry-heaving––

“My plan was to face our father. I _know_ I have to face him. And if I can convince him to reject the Dark, then––”

“Alright kid, but if you can’t, huh!”

Dry-heaving and gasping for breath––

“Hey-hey-hey, Lei, just breathe for me, alright – please breathe, baby,” he was pleading in a low voice, rubbing her back, that low spot at the bottom of her spine that drove her crazy these days.

“I am – fine – I’m – fine––” Leia gasped before gagging again, gripping his arm brutally. He couldn’t remember the last time she’d – _relied_ on him so heavily, let him fuss – “But if you think – if you think I’m not going – if you think you can get away – with – Carlist – with – _lying_ – with––”

“Then Leia’s the next hope,” Luke said seriously, and Han wanted to – shake his friend, shake him like – _are you kidding me, are you kidding?_

“She’s got another human growin’ inside her! And by the way, if you think we’re gonna sit by and let you go on some goddamn suicide mission––!”

“I didn’t think I’d be able to make you understand that it’s the only way––”  

“You want some water, Lei?” Han was murmuring, brushing Luke off, brushing back her hair, trying to get the flyaways from getting caught in her mouth…

“I’m okay, really, and I am _mad at you, I am livid,_ ” Leia gasped again, nearly choking up, leaning back against him and breathing hard a bit.

“Leia,” Luke said, crouching down beside them, “Listen to me – we will figure this out. Before I face him, I will do my best to train you––”

“Are you _kidding_ me?” Han bit out, holding her tighter.

“Not an invalid,” Leia hissed, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand weakly. “I want to be trained, I want to know––”

“You already work how many hours a day – your birth mom _died_ ––”

“I want to know how to protect her,” she continued seriously. “It’s our responsibility to protect her. If you think you can teach me––”

“I think I can,” Luke assured her, squeezing her knee.

“You need to know you can,” Leia insisted, catching his gaze and holding it seriously. “Promise me, Luke.”

“I promise,” he said.

Han was disbelieving – it was like – it was like she’d found something to latch onto, feel in control of, but – what, was she – gonna train as a Jedi at fucking eight months pregnant, practically nine – learn how to, what, _fight Vader,_ when what she needed to do was _hide, hide_ and stay safe––

“This is insane,” Han said flatly, rubbing his jaw. “This is – fuckin’...”

“Believe me I am very aware of how insane this is but you heard him, Han. We need to protect her from our – from Vader.”

Han exhaled noisily, spoke through clenched teeth. “Just – tryin’ – to make sure – _she_ – gets – born.” First time he’d said it – _sheshesheshe––_

“We don’t have to do anything now. We don’t have much time, but we have time,” Luke said, helping Leia – _his sister,_ Kriff – to her feet. “Of course I don’t want you to strain yourself––”

“I know, I trust you,” Leia said seriously, taking a few more deep breaths and rubbing her belly. “If you believe I have this power, then I want to learn to use it, for her.”

“Sweetheart––!” Han started, scrambling to his feet as well.

“ _You_ are not off the hook yet, your ‘plan,’ you – and Han this is what I promised, what we promised – as long as she was my tenant we would keep her safe, we would…” And then abruptly, she trailed off, looking stricken.

“You alright?” Han asked, panicking, for a split-second _certain_ that she’d say the baby was coming, now, right now––

“We have to tell them,” Leia said seriously, straightening her spine, rigid and resolved. “Stella and Lu – they’re the adoptive parents, Luke – about Vader, about her and the Force – they should know, as soon as possible, so they can be – best attuned, to the houseguest’s needs.” She steadied herself. “You’ll come with me? You’ll both – you’ll come with me, to explain it to them.”

Han very carefully flicked his eyes over to Luke. Was he thinking the same thing? Thinking – _you tell these chicks this kid’s Darth’s grandkid, in mortal danger, who’s gonna grow up into a Jedi someday the best case scenario is they think you’re crazy? Absolute best?_

Luke’s eyes said just as much, if not more, but still he nodded. “Of course, Leia. We’ll come with you.”

Abruptly, Han was realizing something – this whole thing about family, blood family, about feeling, about knowing where they were, knowing the houseguest was a girl-girl-girl – was that supposed to go away post-partum? Could the kid teach her to turn it off? “‘Course Lei,” Han said, shuffling uncomfortably. “‘Course we’ll come.” Yeah, he’d have to ask Luke that.

Leia looked grateful, slightly soothed, as she took one of each of their hands. “We can do this. The three of us – we’ve done the impossible before, we _will_ do it again. I know this. We must be smart about it, but if we are – then we _will_ succeed in doing what’s right. I can feel it.”

Yeah, he’d have to ask Luke about that, _fast._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comments always mean so much. Keep them coming, and don’t forget you can find me on Tumblr under the same username.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are speeding up here! Your feedback continues to be so appreciated! Onwards!

“––but, because of the way Force-sensitive beings are able to sense each other, that makes things more complicated. It’s a little hard to understand, but essentially think of it as an awareness – once you have an awareness of another Force-sensitive being, you can feel them at will and, if you’re strong enough with the Force – like Vader is – even use that feeling to pinpoint location,” Luke continued. The three of them were in Stella and Lu’s quarters and had been for some time, after having strategized about the best way to relay the information in the days before. Luke was taking the lead on explanation, Leia was filling in some details, and Han was – well. Han was trying to keep his status as the one of them with perspective about all this. And “moral support,” he was that too.

“So he – Lord Vader – knows the two of you are here right now? Isn’t that dangerous?” Stella asked, frowning.

“Not in the same way, because there isn’t much he can do about it. The Rebel fleet may be scrappy but it’s still strong – it wouldn’t make sense to go after us when we’re so well-protected by remaining at the center of the entire Rebellion armed forces.”

“He needs an opening, essentially,” Leia piped up.

“Which means until she has the baby the safest place for Leia really is here, even though it seems counterintuitive,” Luke added.

“And – I’m sorry – he – he really is your––?” Stella stuttered.

Luke was unambiguous. “Yes.”

“I – I thought that – _thing_ was more machine––“ Lu interjected.

“We were conceived before,” Leia noted flatly.

Luke clasped his hands together. “Just to get back to my point – the idea is – even though Leia and I were out in the galaxy for nineteen years, he didn’t even know we existed, right? He didn’t even know we were alive much less that we were twins. No ability to track us without that awareness. So, we think, right now, if the baby comes before the Empire’s defeat––”

“Aren’t you an optimistic one,” Lu said drily. “As though its defeat is inevitable.”

“I met this feisty brunette once, she gave a whole speech about hope, crazy story,” Luke said warmly, winking and shrugging off Lu’s cynicism without hesitation. “Anyway, if the baby comes before the defeat––”

“And that would be coming _here_ – didn’t you say there are no doctors who––?” Lu asked, taking the words right out of Han’s mouth.

“That’s really a separate issue,” Leia insisted quickly.

“It isn’t, though – if that’s our baby…” Lu continued.

“ _Lu_. Let them finish,” Stella said.

“If the baby comes before, we – after much discussion – think the best move would be to send you two to a remote planet of your choosing – remote as in not Core World is all – on a scouting ship and stage the death of the child. The idea being, if Vader doesn’t know she’s come into existence, he shouldn’t be able to find her. As long as absolutely no one other than us five know.” Luke gave them another sympathetic smile. “I know that’s a lot – do you have any questions I can answer?”

“Yeah – so she’s – because she’s Vader’s––”

“She’s not Vader’s, she’s Han and Leia’s––” Luke corrected gently.

“Right but granddaughter, descendent, you know what I mean – she’ll – what, she’ll grow up and be a – Jedi? A Sith? No matter what?” Stella asked.

“She will likely be very strong in the Force, yes.”

“And what are we supposed to do about that? On this remote planet, with Vader’s––” Lu asked.

“ _Lu._ Please. Be gentle,” Stella admonished.

“What if he _does_ find her? Somehow? We’re not – Jedi, whatever, like you, how are we supposed to protect her?” Lu demanded.

“There’s no reason to believe he’ll be able to find her,” Luke said.

“But what if he _does_? He found you two!” Lu pointed out – ironically, Han was beginning to like her more and more.

“That isn’t quite what happened – and Vader wants her to train, not destroy,” Luke said.

“How comforting – so we should expect that if that’s the case he’ll slaughter us wholesale, but at least the child will only be kidnapped by the Empire to be made into a weapon––“

“ _Lu_. Enough of that. Right now,” Stella hissed, then looked at the three of them as Lu stood stonily. “It’s – you have to understand, this is – this is so much to take in…” Her eyes turned abruptly to Leia. “How are you taking all of this, dear?”

Finally, finally, Han let his gaze focus fully on Leia. He could see why she would invite that question. She looked – almost ashen, the way she had for the past few days since Luke’s return. Her eyes were ringed with dark circles and although her belly seemed to have no end in its capacity to grow, her arms looked thinner. She was still working full days in intelligence and strategy, although she’d finally been persuaded into a daily afternoon nap, and now she was training with Luke in the evening, long hours of meditation that seemed to drain her even as she swore they made her feel more confident and capable. And he knew she was uncomfortable, too – the way her movements were slow and clunky, the way she was permanently overheated, the obsessive kneading with her knuckle of her lower back, the way too much static in her hair could reduce her to tears. He’d made her go to medical with him, to get checked out, but there wasn’t anything wrong with her, she wasn’t sick – baby’s heartbeat sounded good, too, although he couldn’t help muttering about how it could have three arms and they wouldn’t know.

She didn’t seem despondent but she seemed resigned. Like Vader being her father wasn’t a cataclysmic disaster so much as another very, very, very heavy load she had to carry now at all times, alongside the baby and the loss of Alderaan. And rather than throwing them all down and bursting into tears, she was just crawling through her days with the same sense of duty and purpose, ambivalent to the fact that she was on her metaphorical hands and knees.

What had she said to him in bed that night after Luke arrived? _I so want to be mad at you for lying to me, and I am, but if I shut you out I have no one with whom I can process all the rest._ Which didn’t feel great. _Can we just put my being mad on hold for a moment? Can you just know that I am still mad at you but hold me as though I’m not?_

Tender sex that night, for the first time in a long time, after a long spree of rough recklessness, with him just sort of rocking into her while she made small pleasured sounds. Impulsively pressing his lips to kiss the hill of her abdomen, which he’d never done before and wouldn’t be able to do for much longer. Or he’d be able to do it forever, sure, but not with the feel of something kicking back. Instead of scowling she’d just threaded her fingers through his hair. Maybe someday in a safer world they would have a baby of their own. Do it again and do it right, with sonos and showers and getting to feel excitement instead of isolation. Know how to feel about it.

She’d ask him too if the Vader thing made him feel differently about her. It didn’t feel right to tell her then that it made him feel like he wanted to be with her forever – not _because_ of Vader, obviously, but because of her sheer tenacity in the face of everything thrown at her. It was one of those things you learn about yourself and then you realize it’s actually be true for a long time, you just didn’t notice – him wanting to marry her. Maybe there would be a good time eventually if they didn’t all end up dead. 

“I’m taking it about as well as can be expected,” Leia said, giving a polite smile. “At this point, how I feel about everything isn’t high on my list of priorities – I just want to ensure that she’s safe and well taken care of.”

“That’s very selfless of you,” Stella said, and Leia gave her a small nod. “Well – thank you for sharing everything with us, especially information of such a sensitive nature. We appreciate it, and we’ll use our utmost discretion, right Lu?”

“Of course,” the other woman said.

“I hope you don’t take offense, but I do think we need some private time now, just to process everything together.”

“Of course,” Leia said. “Please – I understand that this is so much to take in, and not at all what you anticipated. For what it’s worth, I had a very, very safe and happy childhood as an adopted Force sensitive girl – as Vader’s – well. I know circumstances are different, but I wanted that to be known. And we wanted you to know all this as well, so that you could raise her effectively. With the care she deserves.”

“Thank you.”

“We’ll be in touch about arrangements for the shuttle, then?” Luke asked.

“Yes,” Stella confirmed. “Thank you, again. For making us – for sharing this with us.”

After the group said their goodbyes, the three of them regrouped in the hallway. “I think that went reasonably well,” Luke said.

“Thanks for playing interpreter, kid,” Han said. “All that Jedi mumbo-jumbo…”

“It’s my pleasure. Lei? What’s your take?”

“I think it went fine, yes,” she said, rubbing her eyes. “Yes, thank you, Luke.”

“Like I said, not a problem. What’s next for today then? Lunch?”

“I actually think I’d like to go lie down,” Leia said, giving them a polite smile.

“Good, you could use the rest. I’ll come with you,” Han said.

“Ah – I’d rather be alone. Go on and eat.”

“You have to eat too, you know.”

“Yes, thank you, I’m aware of that. I’ll do so later. We can touch base in the evening,” she promised crisply, kissing both of their cheeks before turning and heading to her quarters alone.

“She okay?” Luke asked as they headed to mess. “Stress, or…?”

“Who kriffin’ knows,” Han said – he tried to make it sound joking, but it just fell flat. “She’s really tired from working and training, she’s drowning in hormones, and she’s still pretty mad at me. So.”

“Yeah,” Luke said, filling his tray. “What was all that about?”

 _I don’t understand how you could lie to me._ He never knew when she was going to bring it up – sometimes it was at breakfast, sometimes when they were readying for bed. _How you could try to manage my life and body for me without my input as though I’m just a feeble female plaything – how you could go behind my back to discuss my body with my father’s friends – do you have any idea how uncomfortable that makes me feel? Do you know how small it makes me feel to know you think I cannot manage my own body?_

_I don’t think that! I thought – you were kinda in denial! About – about it bein’ born, and––_

_Why does it have to be that the only way I want what I want is by being in denial? That’s so infantilizing!_

“I fucked up. I was tryin’ to keep her safe and I made the mistake of thinkin’ she’d just go along with what’s best for her and I – fucked up.” He filled his tray too, grimacing. “You know that whole ‘better to beg forgiveness than ask permission’? Yeah, whoever said that never met Her Highness.”

“I’ll say,” Luke said as they sat down across from each other.

“Thing is,” Han said, shaking his head, “Yeah it’s her body but she doesn’t have a _clue_ – I mean neither do I but – I don’t trust these damn army medics, I’m kriffin’ _scared_ for her, m’really _freaked_.”

“Han, people have been giving birth to babies without issue for thousands of years, long before fancy midwife droids––“  
            “Yeah, but not your family! Huh! Not your mom. If after all this we lose the princess in somethin’ as – fuckin’ _mundane_ as childbirth, swear I’ll put a blast through my head.”

“You’re really that worried? That she might not make it through? That seems extreme, even for you,” Luke noted gently.

“It’s your family history, ain’t it!”

“Family history isn’t destiny,” Luke said quietly, and Han felt a sting of self-loathing.

“Right. No, you’re right. ‘Course it isn’t,” Han muttered. “Jus’ – and y’know, I don’t want it to be – _traumatic_ or anything like that – don’t want her to get scared off of ever doing it again if and anyway she’s had enough pain to last a lifetime, you know?”

“You’d want to do it again?”

“Not – _me_ I mean – if _she_ – y’know, if the war ends, when she’s older. If _she_ wanted that, _she_ should be able to. That’s all. Kriff. Stop giving me that look.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Just feel like everything suddenly got helluva lot more real. M’not ashamed to admit it gives me the creeps. Leia’s ‘bout to push a kid out her vag, said kid is _wanted by the Empire as a Sith mega-weapon_ – and you keep alluding to all this crap about facin’ Vader as though it don’t scare the crap out of Her Highness and me whenever you say that...” Han shook his head. “Scary fuckin’ time, junior.”

“I do have to face him,” Luke said, again in that gentle voice. “It’s the only way to end this. I really believe I can bring him to the light.”

“What if you can’t, huh? You waltz in there saying _Hey, Pops!_ and he slices you in half this time? What’s that do to Leia? Huh? She’ll have a fuckin’ aneurysm and die with the kid kickin’ inside her.”

“That’s – gruesome.”

“What about me? Huh? We’re your _friends_ – you can’t go _alone_. How’s it so easy for you to just leave us?”

“I think some of her hormones have rubbed off on you, Han.”

“Not _hormonal_ , just honest, Kriff.”

“It’s _because_ of you guys that I have to face him. I _want_ Leia to be safe, the houseguest to be safe, _you_ to be safe – you think I don’t know that _my dad_ is the one who tortured _you_ , to get to _me?_ I can end that,” Luke insisted. “And by the way, if I do, first thing that happens is liberate Core World cities and send my sister to the best obstetrician in the galaxy alright?”

“ _But what if you_ _can’t_. Jedi robes and you’re still such a damn farmboy – if you can’t, you’re just – _sacrificin’_ yourself, _why_ ––?”

“None of us are safe while he’s with the dark. None of us. Don’t you get it? We’ll just be trying to stay one step ahead forever and ever – and eventually we’re going to run out of steps.”

“Wait ‘til Leia’s trained then. Go at it together. Two against one, huh? Daddy dearest gets to see you both. Or, or––”

“What’s going on, Han? You seem – really distressed––”

“I just don’ wanna lose all three of you, alright! Forget I said anything, Kriff.”

“Three of – … is Chewie or Lando in danger––?”

“The baby, shit. Not lose as in adopt or whatever. Just. Dunno. It’s an _infant._ Doesn’t deserve to _die,”_ Han said gruffly, standing up. “Or become a Sith spawn or whatever it is Vader wants – though gotta say, Vader with a baby, sort of hilarious, that damn mask all goo-goo-ga-ga… fuck it all.”

“Han, listen to me,” Luke said, standing up too. “You may not trust my Jedi powers, but you trust yourself, right?”

“Sure I trust myself.”

“This isn’t public knowledge yet, but it will be soon – they got the Death Star plans, okay? They’re launching a second attack.”

“No way am I swoopin’ in to save your ass again.”

“Not suggesting it. And my ass won’t need saving. But I know they’re looking for someone to lead a sort of elite ground team, to take out the shield generator? On the moon where the generator’s located, so the fleet can penetrate the shield––“

“Yeah, I get it, I get it – pathfinding, okay…”

“You should volunteer.”

“’Scuse me?”

“I know you’re enlisted now – I’m telling you – do it. If you don’t trust anyone but yourself, fine, but then that means trust yourself to take this thing out. Save the princess.”

“Y’know that’s not true, I trust you and Leia and Chewie, ‘course, just––“

“I get it. But I’m telling you – if you want to not be scared for her, for the houseguest? There’s only way to do it and it’s to _end this_. You can help end this.”

“Sound like one of those damn holos of Her Worship they got all over the place.”

“You should do it.”

“I gotta – I don’t wanna leave Leia, yeah? But I’d rather have her safe than––”

“Get the secure feeling from sitting by her side. Yep. Look – you have something to fight for this time. I believe in you – I _know_ you’ll be able to do it.”

“Shit, kid, stop _flirtin_ ’,” Han said, cracking a crooked grin. “Alright. I’ll talk to Chewie, see if he’s up for it. Haven’t been on great terms lately, but… if I can get Chewie, I can do it. Damn right. And then I’ll talk to Mothma.”

“And Leia.”

“And Leia – Kriff, she gonna take this as another lie?”

“Tell her first, then. Ask her opinion. If I were you I’d be more worried she’d get all weepy about you finally making a real commitment to the cause, especially ‘cause she can’t be on the ground herself.”

“Get me back in those good-looking good graces, huh?” Han said, winking. 

Luke groaned. “Try not to put a second one in her until this one’s out, okay?”

It took Han longer than expected to get back to Leia’s quarters. First he had to talk to Mon about the gig, all the while making very clear to her that his participation was dependent on Chewie and Leia’s approval. That in and of itself made him feel _good_ though – so much less helpless, kinda like how planning her bunker had made him feel – like he was able to make the world safer for her, like it wasn’t all out of his control. Then he went back to mess to pick up some food for Leia, as he’d forgotten to the first time, and got in a long chat with Lando, who apparently was a general now, about duty and legitimacy and how yes they were still crooks in a way ‘cause the Rebellion was basically a terrorist cell but at least they were crooks in uniform. Then he got sidetracked by Evaan Verlaine accosting him for info about Leia – she hadn’t seen her since Luke had gotten back, but of course Han wasn’t going to say she was busy with Jedi training. And _then_ he got accosted by folks wanting to know where Leia was – apparently she hadn’t returned to her post ever, even though it’d now been a few hours since the start of her nap. Well, it wasn’t unheard of for the girl to oversleep these days. Everyone could do well by cutting her some slack, in his opinion.

  He rung the buzzer on her quarters and was surprised that the door unlocked itself – normally she came to the door to greet him. “Hey, sweetheart – you up? Brought some food, sorry it’s late… folks are looking for you,” he called, half-whispering just in case she wasn’t. All of the lights were off, so he could barely make her out in her bunk – a curled up, quivering lump with the blanket over her head that appeared to be – was she crying?

“Hey,” he said, flicking on some lights and rushing over to squat beside the bed. “Hey, what’s the matter? Y’okay?”

“I’m _fine…_ ” came a choked moan from under the blankets.

“You’re not – Lei, s’not the baby coming, is it?”

There was a sort of hysterical sad little laugh, and then she sat up, blankets pooling around her. Her eyes were rimmed red, her face tearstained and decently covered in snot, and her shoulders were heaving – but all he could notice was her hair, her hair – all the way down, not a braid or pin in sight, a way he’d never seen her, that he assumed she was saving for if she ever got married. It too was sticky with snot and tears and she kept swatting it out of her face, frustrated. She was in pajamas, too, he realized…

“What’s goin’ on? Huh? Tell me what’s wrong.”

“It’s nothing,” she gasped, rubbing her eyes. “It’s f-fine, I’m f-fine.”

“Leia you’re scaring the crap out of me, _tell me_ ––”

She shut her eyes and shook her head and curled back up under the blankets, but lifted a quivering finger to point to her datapad, which, he noticed, was strewn on the floor nearby.

He had to gently take her hand to get her thumbprint to unlock it, and as he did so he tried to squeeze it comfortingly, but she was – inconsolable, shaking and refusing to look at him and looking so – _done_ , hollowed out and _done_ , he’d never seen her this way.

Han looked at the message that first opened on the device. _Dear, dear Leia – Thank you so much for meeting with us today to discuss the situation at hand. It really has been such a pleasure to get to know you, even in these small encounters. Unfortunately, after much, much discussion Lu and I have decided we cannot in good conscious offer to provide a home for your child. Please know that this decision was incredibly difficult––_

“They don’t want her,” Leia was mumbling, forcing Han to look away from the note. “Why don’t they want her? They don’t want her, they don’t want to take care of her, they don’t want anything to do with her …. What must they think of _me_ , if they think an innocent child is guilty by association to Vader – why don’t they want her – my parents – they don’t…!”

 “C’mere,” he said, wrapping his arms around her, his thoughts racing out of control. She pressed her face to his neck and hugged him and shook hard. “It’s gonna be okay, sweetheart, we’ll figure something out, it’s gonna be okay…”

“I was – supposed – keep – safe, they don’t – _want_ her…”

“You are gonna keep her safe, I promise.”

“H-h-how – I don’t – why don’t they want her – she’s just – a bit _special,_ it’s not––“

“’Cause they’re morons, sweetheart, I promise you’re gonna be fine.”

“You don’t _know_ – you don’t – she’s just a _baby_ , she hasn’t _harmed_ – they don’t _want_ – she won’t be _safe_ …”

“Listen to me. Okay? This is just another stumblin’ block. Alright? It’s gonna be okay.”

“How _sick_ are we, to bring this child into a world in which no one can c-c-care for it – I want to throw up – don’t understand – I’ll kill the Emperor I’ll kill him I swear I swear…”

“Not sick, was an accident, it’s okay, you’re okay. We still have time. Alright? Look at me,” Han said, tilting up her quivering chin. “Promise m’gonna keep you guys safe. Okay? You trust me?”

“I don’t _know_ , you’ve _lied_ to me––”

“Beyond that. Okay? You trust me? You know my word is good? Nothing’s gonna happen to her, alright.” His hands were firmly on the sides of her belly, then, as he caught her gaze seriously while she swatted at her hair. “Promise. No one’s good hurt her at all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews get me motivated to update quickly!


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your amazing feedback on 18! Here’s another right quick as a Thank You!

"I feel very helpless,” Leia confessed in a whisper, stroking his face gently. It was late, too late, early rather, but they hadn’t slept yet, not at all – had been in a cyclical round of conspiring and consoling for hours, breaking only for the needs of her bladder, a constant insufferable indignity, and for Han to fetch dinner from mess. Now somehow they’d ended up naked, curled up on the bed facing each other, but all askew, their heads where their feet should be, her belly pressed against his chest, his hands stroking all that long hair. “I want to _fight_ _for her_ – I want to learn, and train, and _keep her from harm_ , I feel that want so savagely and instinctively, but I can’t – _do_ anything. I feel as though my body is in effect paralyzing me, weighing me down in stretch marks and swollen feet – I want to sacrifice myself for her safety but my very self _is_ her safety and it’s so… it’s so demoralizing…”

“You keep her from harm by takin’ care of yourself. That’s what you do,” he murmured, relishing in the texture of her damp hair, the length of it, how smooth it felt, how he could wind it around his fingers, how it made her look soft and girlish and almost faerie-like and _his_. Something had _happened_ in those few hours – it was like suddenly they were on the same side, like now that it was alright to admit allowed that they were both _invested_ then suddenly they could speak freely again, actually talk to each other… Like they were hurtling through space on their own little ship, just the two of them, but at least they had each other.

“I’m famously rather _awful_ at that, as you may have noticed,” she breathed.

“Figures, right? That’s why it’s your job. ‘Cause it’s what’s hardest. S’why it’s sacrifice.”

“That’s true… if it were something I’d readily relinquish…”

“Wouldn’t be relinquishing.”

“So we have poetic justice going for us, if nothing else.”

“Nothin’, sweetheart?”

"I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but our lives – my life, yours by association – have somewhat gone to shit as of late. If they hadn’t already,” she added with a soft laugh. “I would say I can’t imagine it becoming worse but as soon as I say it…”

“Eh, when’d you get so superstitious?”

“My irrational hormonal mind, of course,” she said. “Han, you have to imagine – all my life I’ve believed that if nothing else I have agency in my body and mind, that I can trust my body and mind to be tools of my will, to allow me to accomplish what I desire, so long as I do the work of keeping them sharp and disciplined…”

“M’sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” she said automatically. “Anyway. I like being close to you. Touching you. Prophylactics just…” She shrugged wordlessly, her eyes alight.

“Hey now. That’s the kinda talk that got you into this situation.”

“I bet we couldn’t even do it in the cockpit now,” she sighed. “I don’t think I could bend effectively over the console. Certainly not the ‘fresher on the Falcon, there’s no way we’d both fit.”

“More lookin’ forward to you getting back on top.”

“Yes, I miss that… oh, is it hard for you to conceptualize an after too?”

“Yeah,” Han said seriously, running his fingers over her abdomen. “It is.”

“Maybe it’s because it seems impossible that all three of us come out on the other end okay… all four of us with my _brother_ , five really, six, Luke Lando and Chewie too, it’s amazing how things can grow when you consent to caring for others – or maybe it’s because this whole thing has been almost like – a tear in the space-time continuum of our lives, that it’s so hard to imagine time will merely mend it, deflate me…”

“Shitty mending, crappy job.”

“You think?”

“You’ll still look different.”

“Well _excuse_ me.”

 “Still – feel different.”

“That I suppose is true.”

He wanted to ask, _Do you think, do you think you’ll be able to feel her afterwards? Wherever she is? Forever? Will she be able to feel you, know that you’re gone?_ but was interrupted by her touching her forehead to his seriously.

“We have to take them down, Han,” she said, yawning a little. “We have to do everything in our power – no matter the cost. I just know we have to.”

“We will.”

“She won’t be truly, truly safe until they’re gone. I know that now more than ever.”

“I know.”

“I feel – monstrous, I feel so monstrous – just because I didn’t want to be pregnant doesn’t mean I don’t think of her as an innocent, why is that so hard for people to conceptualize, not every would-be abortion is a ha-ha-fuck-this-kid-I-don’t-give-a-shit––”

“I don’t think that.”

“Well good, that’s one – Han,the odds are stacked so dramatically against this child, an entire Empire needs to collapse before she can breathe freely, what kind of person am I––”

“Didn’t choose, remember?”

“What if I had?” she asked in a whisper. “What if I had been a different sort of woman, what if my first reaction had been _how wonderful I always wanted to bear a child while my boyfriend was entombed in carbonite_ and I’d enthusiastically anticipated becoming her mother? Her real mother, like my mother – like Breha. Only to realize actually, she’ll be wanted and in danger and hunted from the moment she’s born and––” 

“Sweetheart––”

“That would be _monstrous_ , I would’ve done something _terrible_.”

“Listen. A world in which havin’ a baby automatically sets the baby up for danger ain’t just, alright? It’s always their fault. Okay? A world in which getting accidentally knocked up means a kid gets hunted startin’ at birth is a fucked-up world and it’s the fault of _that world_ , okay, not yours.”

“…Okay.”

“If you didn’t think the Rebels had a real shot, would you still be fightin’?”

“I – I don’t know,” she confessed. “I fear – I fear sometimes I’ve lost perspective.”

“I think they do have a shot,” he said, and even though it wasn’t a whole truth – _a really miniscule shot_ was more like it – it was so much a departure from anything she’d ever heard him say that she went completely still. “Think they still have a real shot at winning this thing. Mon’s got this mission they want me for, about the second Death Star…” He went on to explain it, relishing in the way he seemed to have literally taken her breath away––

“You would do that? You would really do that.”

“If you’re alright with it.”

She nodded vigorously. “For her, of course I am.” Everything suddenly real, now – a Leia who would be alright with him doing a dangerous mission without her, if it meant a shot at protecting this innocent, the innocent they were responsible for at least for now.

“Then yeah. I’d do that.”

She kissed him hard, then – tightly gripping his face with both hands, pressing her lips to his firmly and without hesitation. “I love you, I love you,” she was saying seriously, no tears, all purpose. “I _love you_.”

“Well don’t act so surprised,” he murmured, giving her a crooked grin, then frowning when she frowned and rolled onto her back. “What is it?”

“We’ve begun talking too loud – we woke her up.”

“You can tell?”

“Well, when she’s asleep she stops jamming me with different limbs, so.”

“And it – it can hear us.”

“I think so,” Leia said, shrugging a little. “When it’s loud she gets more active, when it’s quiet she mellows out too…”

“You really got into calling it a she, huh?”

“Now that I’ve started it’s hard to stop. Isn’t that right? It’s proven hard to stop?”

“Didn’t know you – started talking to it, her.”

Leia flushed brilliantly, as if she’d been caught at something wholly girlish and treacly and not her style. “Well, when it becomes more apparent that you’re carrying around a person everywhere, it’s hard not to at least make polite conversation. Why, do you have something you’d like to say?”

He set his hand on her stomach but shook his head. “Nah. Just, y’know. That m’doing my best to make things safer for her.”

Her hand locked with his. “Yes… that’s Han, he helped to make you… he did most of the work, honestly, as I recall it, though I’ve done the heavy-lifting since…” She flashed him a wry smile. “The conversations are a bit one-sided.”

“Sure,” he allowed, then looked up at her when he felt movement. “S’that…?”

“I think a fist as opposed to a foot – _oof_ , definitely a fist.”

“Hope I didn’t piss ‘er off. Y’know, in case a temper’s genetic.”

“Oh, _I_ have a temper? Please. Between the two of us? This kid’s parents are screwed. Those teenage years? Can you imagine? My wit with your recklessness?”

“ _My_ wit with _your_ princess snobbery.”

“She’ll surely drive them up the wall.”  
             
“Poor folks. Don’t envy ‘em.”

"Yes,” Leia agreed, and she pressed her lips together. “They don’t know what they’re in for.”

Han swallowed, hard. “Listen. We’re gonna find someone, alright? Someone – someone who can understand the Vader thing, who can get behind this all…”

“I hope so,” she said, her voice growing small. “But it hardly matters – even if we could, we know her safety’s still in jeopardy – we know it’s only a matter of time…”

“You got nineteen good years in.”

“And then what happened?”

“Well, we’ll tell ‘em not to let her join any terrorist cells, alright?”

“Wouldn’t that be funny. Say we’re alive, somehow, twenty years from now, still waging this war, and she just – walks through the door as the newest recruit.”

“Pick ‘er up at a cantina in the desert, have her on the Falcon.”

“Glance once, then twice, as though she looks familiar.”

“Kinda like two twins findin’ each other in a space station prison.”

“Something like that, yes.” Her lips were firmly set together, like she was trying to keep emotion in.

“What is it?”

“Nothing, just – you’re too wanted, too high-profile, but – I briefly wondered if – if it should just – be you,” she confessed, very quietly.

He felt totally frozen, totally rigid. “An’ what? Never seen you again?” _Raise a baby on my own? Our baby? Leia? What? The? Fuck?_

“It’s not a real idea. It was just a thought experiment. Just a thought experiment about how the danger is located in _me_ , not you.”

“Would you do that?” he asked, unable to help himself. “If it were reversed?”

“If I thought there was really no other option, no other place for her to go?” she asked softly, then shook her head. “I don’t know.”

“I don’ know shit about babies, princess––”

“And you think I do?”

“An’ I’m wanted same as you, even if the Force can’t track me––”

“I know, Han,” she said firmly. “I’m not asking. It’s just a puzzle, and it seems like the only solution is the very impossible thing the Rebellion has been trying to do for two decades now. Why should it suddenly become simpler now that we’re responsible for a baby?”

“Second Death Star… Luke’s a Jedi… there’s still…”

“Hope, I know. If I didn’t have any, I don’t know how I would get through the days.”

They were quiet for a long time, until Han couldn’t help himself. “An’… if we did it?”

“If we did what?”

“If we won. Humor me, yeah? If we did…”

“What would we do?”

“Yeah.”

“We’ll we’d fuck, I imagine, first off, assuming we’re both alive in this scenario… and that’s the thing, even if the Empire falls, there’s no guarantee––”

“What if we were.”

“It would depend. When is this? Now? Years from now? If we’d found a loving home for her I wouldn’t want to unwind that, that would be wrong.”

“What if it were now.”

“I don’t want to do that, Han, think like that, so optimistically, it only makes me sad,” she said quietly. “I’m sorry.”

“S’okay,” he said, kissing her temple and exhaling. “Hey,” he said after a moment, trying to see her smile. “What if she goes with Chewie’s family, huh? Back to Kashyyyk? Raise her like a Wookiee, all growls and grunts. How’s that sound?”

“It would feel quite Alderaanian for her to have all that long hair,” Leia teased, giving in and giving him a weak smile. “And I always loved to climb trees as a girl.”

“Problem is she’ll be so short they’ll step on her. Could be tough.”

“Excuse me! Or she’ll be so freakishly tall they’ll all be afraid of her.”

“Maybe it’ll balance out, huh? Regular ol’ normal-sized kiddo.”

“For the sake of the span of my hips I certainly hope so.”

“Hey,” he said, grinning mischievously. “Remember––”

“I know what you’re referring to and I won’t deign to acknowledge it.”

“So funny, you were _not_ having it.”

“ _Not deigning_.”

“What’d you say? So fuckin’ certain too: ‘Oh _no_ that will _not_ fit there.’”

“You’re unbelievable.”

“Jus’ saying – it _did_.”

“Please don’t compare being penetrated by your penis to _birthing a human child_.”

“Just makin’ observations is all.”

“I don’t even know why I keep you around,” she declared, turning onto her side dramatically.

“Yeah,” he said, kissing her shoulder and smiling a little. “You do.”  

XX. 

“Concentrate,” Luke was saying, holding his sisters’ hands as they sat beside each other in the booth on the Falcon. (Leia had looked at him when he suggested sitting crosslegged on the floor and laughed.) “And just breathe. We’ll breathe for a while, so just – let go of any expectation that you have anywhere else to be, anything you need to be doing more than this… focus on feeling present.”

The Falcon wasn’t his go-to spot for meditation with Leia, but as she and Han had abruptly become inseparable, this was the place to be. Luke could hear her take shuddering, tired breaths – he was half-convinced she might fall-asleep right there. “Focus on maintaining that energy… a kind of peaceful, calm alertness…”

Elsewhere on the ship, Chewie and Han were talking about the Endor mission while doing some repair work. Chewie had agreed, no problem, and had taken the Vader information in stride. (It had been shared with the twins’ permission of course.) But it was still the subject of the houseguest that made things tense between them.

_[And say we are successful. You and the princess will raise the child?]_

“I dunno, pal, it’s more complicated than that,” Han said gruffly. “Odds of being successful…”

_[A cocky cub once told an annoying droid to never tell him the odds, you know.]_

“Har har. Listen though, m’just tryin’ to make it through this mission with everyone alive, alright? The afterwards is – afterwards. She’s still got a few weeks left.”

_[Speaking hypothetically, though.]_

“What’s it to you?” Han asked, reaching for a wrench. “You gotta pre-order balloons or some shit?”

_[I just think you two have strange reasoning, is all.]_

“Yeah, well. It’s a strange situation.”

_[Never have I met two people so sure of their abilities to do everything except care for others.]_

“What’s that supposed to mean, huh? Ol’ sage one?”

_[Just that you’re both certain you can defeat the greatest enemy but refuse to admit you could successfully take care of a child.]_

“Look, like I said, it’s more complicated. Anyway I don’t think that. Leia can do whatever she sets her mind to. She could run a damn pre-school far as I can see.”

_[But she doesn’t think that about herself.]_

_"_ You know, it’s different for humans, alright? ‘Specially orphans like us. No family or anythin’, can’t just drop _my_ kid off and see him twice a year. Just not the way humans are raised.”

_[It seems common with human fathers, not mothers.]_

“Have you met our princess? You think any of that gendered shit’s gonna fly with her? An’ it shouldn’t, by the way – s’bantha shit.”

_[Different cultures, I suppose.]_

“No shit. Listen, I appreciate you sayin’ you’re in for this mission, alright? Really. Wouldn’t do it without you.”

_[I think you’d be an excellent father, cub.]_

“Nice to have that vote of confidence. But s’just not what the situation is right now, okay? Don’t say that stuff in front of her, she’ll get upset.”

_[Understood.]_

“Good. Thanks. Know I could count on you, pal.”

“Nice, Leia… focus… okay – do you feel that? That kind of––”

“Yes, I feel it.”

“Good. Now – when you’re ready – just try and – reach out, with your feelings.”

“With my feeling, Skywalker?”

“ _Yes_ , Leia, with your – yes, exactly. What do you feel?”

Han had ventured up back into the lounge by then, was listening idly – Leia’s voice, so far away and fascinated, her face still with concentration, her hair buzzing as if with electricity, loose tendrils floating up around her.

“I can feel a – a kind of warmth, a sad sort of warmth… ah, I see – a face, a woman’s face, as though I know it… she’s very pale, very lovely… she’s coming out of a pain, or – and she’s smiling at me… is it…?”

“Don’t think, don’t analyze, just––”

“Feel, yes – oh, and now it’s grown – it’s grown very cold and I – …”

“Leia?”

“It’s like – it’s cold as space and I’m – in, space, almost it’s – debris, it’s debris from – home, in orbit, I’m the debris as well, and rock and – my – bassinet, I think, things from my bedroom, stone, trees – _oh…_!” she gasped, her face growing pale. “Oh, there are – _corpses_ , my parents’ – _oh!”_

“Think that’s enough,” Han started to say in a low voice, striding over.

“It’s okay, Lei, it’ll pass just – let go, let it wash over you and carry you to the next––”

“I think I’m on Hoth, now? Except it feels so warm, warmest I’ve ever felt, but not uncomfortable – I’m in my snowsuit, and I’m out in the snow and – I feel warm…”

“What do you see?”

“Ah – a child, I think, she – looks like me, almost, not quite but – maybe three or four and – she’s in her snowsuit, oh…”

“What is it?”

“No it’s just sweet, she’s making snow angels, it’s very sweet and…”

“And?”

She’d gone pale again, her face screwed up. “The sound – walkers it’s – I’ve gotten cold again and – she’s – _mmph_ , she’s just sinking, into the snow and – screaming for her parents… so deep, so fast… I’m just – watching, I can – hear – walkers and…”

“Just relax, Lei, it’ll pass again, really…”

“And that _sound_ , the breathing – _his_ sound where is he – beneath the – she’s _falling_ to him, screaming I – I can’t – she’s just – I don’t – I can’t _do_ anything I want to _do_ something!”

“You can’t, Leia, it’s just in your mind, you have to let go, release…”

She was crying now, really crying – “I want to – I have to – she’s _screaming_ for them – it’s _cold_ , she’s going to be _cold,_ and––”

And then she was gasping for breath, choking, eyes wide, clutching her abdomen and grimacing. “I’m okay, I’m okay…”

“The hell was that?” Han demanded.

“It’s probably not a vision,” Luke said, squeezing Leia’s shoulders and going to get her water. “It’s more a – manifestation of some of her psychic anxieties…”

“You hurt, Lei? Something hurts?”

“I just – cramps, my stomach – it feels – just – too much…”

“Cramps like what, like––”

“Not like contractions, like – it feels like someone replaced all of my amniotic fluid with kaffe, it feels just – like too much for her, it’s too much…”

“We’re going to lay off of that until the baby comes, okay?” Luke said, passing her water. “Her Force presence is so intimately connected to yours. It probably makes sense to just – hold off, from now on.”

“I want to _learn_ ,” Leia gasped, sipping the water. “I want – I want to be able to fight – I want…”

“But like you said – I think it’s too much for her, okay?” Luke said gently, squeezing her hand. “I don’t know much about babies, but like – you wouldn’t give an infant an adult-sized meal, you know?”

“She hurt? She feel like she’s – like something’s not right?” Han was asking, trying to catch Leia’s gaze and hold it.

She shook her head, grimacing. “No I don’t – I don’t think so it’s more like – she’s just doing so much moving, I think she’ll settle – it’s like she’s overstimulated, I don’t know…”

“You hurt? The way you – cramping, or–?”

“I think I’m fine. I think we’re just – if someone shook a bottle of a carbonated drink and opened it. Spilling out…”

“Well, you tell if you start feeling worse. Think Luke’s right, it’s too much right now.”

“But I need – I need to use the Force to protect her…”

“Right now she’s safe inside you, right?” Luke said, trying to smile at her. “It’s okay. This is okay, Leia. We can still do some lighter meditation and lifting, things like that.”

“But that won’t protect her.”

“It’ll get you started. On your way.”

She finally nodded, steadying herself a little, then confessing, “I think – I think I saw our birth mother.”

“I thought that might be the case,” Luke agreed.

“She was so – _happy_ and so _sad_ … happy to see me…”

“Sad to part,” Luke finished. “Yeah.”

“I wonder if she’ll ever see me,” Leia said contemplatively, biting her lip. “In a vision, or a dream, like that. Will I seem happy?” She looked between the two of them, considering them as they considered her, eyes sort of melancholy but curious. “Will I seem sad?”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your reviews are out of this world! Keep them coming!


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’re hurtling towards the final arc of the story now… A quick chapter but it’s a transition.

It all happened so fast.

One minute she was riding her troops for unclear language in their translated intelligence briefings, really going after them if she was being honest with herself, and the next minute they were called into the main briefing room – all of them, swarms of rebels, though they gave her a wide berth now more than ever. She caught Han just outside the entrance, and he put a protective hand on her lower back automatically, guiding her through the crowds, which normally would’ve annoyed her but now, suddenly, she felt like she wanted to be close to him.

(Still, her face burned as he nonchalantly but nevertheless requisitely helped her lower herself into her seat – she always thought she was desensitized to being looked at constantly, but as a princess she’d never been looked at with judgement, only admiration. She knew their judgement wasn’t moral but practical – how could a high-ranking leader do something so selfish or stupid to get knocked up at the war’s peak? Indeed, she felt woefully indulgent, like she was constantly eating treats in front of soldiers making due on mess hall meals.)

She watched Han get up to greet Lando, clap him on the back – she knew he deserved her forgiveness, and he had it – more than had it as he’d recently managed to smuggle back from a mission a few small baby things and a bigger nightgown for her – but seeing him still sometimes gave her just a twinge of resentment. Especially seeing him with Han. Maybe it was her identification was his sense of duty to his people – he had to product the innocents of his city – that made her so resentful. Her sense that were their situations reversed – and maybe they would be, though Han insisted otherwise she was fairly certain the two of them had once been lovers – she might have done the same, sold out a friend for the greater good.

Han, Han, Han – Lando had seen him tortured but had he seen him afterwards? Lying before her, whimpering like a boy while she stroked his hair and tried to soothe him. Han who’d looked death in the eyes, who, she knew, wouldn’t have revealed a thing had they actually asked him questions – not because of the Force, like her, but because he was strong and loyal. Kissing his face and trying to massage his burning limbs… She’d been pregnant, then – that small girl who’d recently realized she’d fallen in love, who would shout it out moments thereafter. She had been pregnant…

For some reason that made her feel infinitely more emotional about the whole thing and even as Han laughed and turned to wink at her, she found herself – choking up, almost, to her horror. She watched him give Lando a kind of amused look as he moved closer to her, which would’ve made another Leia explode with anger but mostly got washed away in the overwhelmingly _feeling_ caught in her constricted throat… “You okay there, sweetheart?” he asked, smiling a little at her, almost teasing.

Leia swiftly wiped the stray tears from under her eyes with her index fingers, doing her best to keep her makeup intact. “Yes – I – yes, I was just – thinking about how much I love you,” she confessed, trying to smile a little and roll her eyes at herself but only mildly successful. “I don’t know what came over me…”

Another look at Lando, very _women,_ very _pregnant women,_ but she didn’t feel sharp enough to comment. “Well, no need to get upset about that, huh? Love you too. There you go, problem solved.”

“My hero,” she quipped, fanning under her eyes a bit so the stupid tears would dry up. “Oh, stop _smirking_!”

“Who’s smirking? Me?”

“You just _love_ this, don’t you?”

“Well I’d tell you I did but I worry you’ll get all weepy ‘bout it, princess.”

“Tell him he’s insufferable on my behalf,” Leia managed in Lando’s direction. “When he hears it from me he chalks it up to the baby, he takes it as a compliment.”

“You’re insufferable, Solo,” Lando said, smirking a little.

Han opened his mouth to retort but was interrupted by Luke’s appearance at their sides. “What did I miss?”

“Nothing yet,” Leia said, and was quickly interrupted herself by Mon calling for everyone’s attention.

Mon cleared her throat. “The Emperor has made a critical error and the time for our attack has come,” she said, moving to pull up the projection. Leia sucked in a breath – so it was time, then. What she had expected but not expected – an inevitability that felt so far away – she set one hand on her belly and went to reach for Han’s hand with the other, only to find it was seeking out hers as well.

_The time for our attack has come. The time to make this world safe for you has come. The time to fight for you has come._

“The data brought to us by the Bothan spies pinpoints the exact location of the Emperor's new battle station,” Mon continued. “We also know that the weapon systems of this Death Star are not yet operational. With the Imperial Fleet spread throughout the galaxy in a vain effort to engage us, it is relatively unprotected. But most important of all, we've learned that the Emperor himself is personally overseeing the final stages of the construction of this Death Star.”

There were excited cheers, followed by Mon’s sharp acknowledgment of the casualties incurred in pursuit of the intelligence, but Leia could merely hear her blood pounding in her ears.

“S’that mean…?” Han murmured to Luke, not taking his eyes off the projection.

“He’s on the Death Star, to which you’ll procure Luke’s access, yes,” Leia responded immediately, also not moving her eyes, also whispering.

“Him and Vader – I should be able to face them directly,” Luke whispered.

“Provided the shields go down.”

“That’s where your boyfriend comes in.”

“Nice one, kid.”

“I could’ve called you her baby daddy.”

“ _Never say those words again,_ ” Leia hissed. “And pay _attention_!”

“General Calrissian has volunteered to lead the fighter attack,” Admiral Ackbar was saying, and Han raised his eyebrows.

“Good luck,” he said, his skepticism palpable, and Leia elbowed him in the side. He gave her a _what?!_ look before adding, “You’re gonna need it.”

Madine took the floor to explain the shield deactivation part of the mission, and Leia squeezed Han’s hand tighter, almost without realizing it. _Please, please, please, please let him be okay…_

“General Solo, is your strike team assembled?” Madine asked.

Han looked up, startled. “Uh, my team's ready. Got maybe two-thirds a command crew for the shuttle.”

Chewie growled to indicate his participation.

“Yeah, that’s one,” Han said, grinning a little. “And then…”

“I’m in, yup,” Luke finished, squeezing Leia’s knee.

“And then I don’t know about a third, uh…” Han frowned a little – he’d sort of been counting on Lando, but that was fine – they’d find someone…

 _Don’t be a fool, don’t be a fool, don’t say you will, don’t make a scene,_ Leia repeated in her head. She wanted so _badly_ to volunteer even though she knew she’d be dismissed immediately – it was just – it was impossible to imagine sending them into danger without her – sending them there alone – if something happened, she’d have to _know_ that had she been there she might have made a difference… She needed someone she trusted…

“I’m in, Solo,” a familiar voice noted, raising her hand casually. “That is, if you’ll have me.”

Leia exhaled in relief, beaming – _thank you, thank you, thank you!_ – and it was for that reason Han put aside his extreme, total skepticism and said, “Alright, Verlaine. You’re in.”

“Thank you,” Leia exclaimed aloud after the meeting’s end after they’d relocated to the hangar, hugging Evaan as best as she could. “Oh gods, thank you so much – you haven’t any idea how much this means, I would give anything to be there myself but of course I can’t, and you…”

“Figured they could use some Alderaanian insight,” Evaan said casually, but she gave her a real smile. 

“ _Thank you,_ ” Leia repeated, taking her hands. “I know I can trust you. I know I can count on you.”

“Your confidence fills me with great pride, Your Highness,” Evaan teased lightly.

“Now you’re under his command, but you mustn’t let him do anything completely ridiculous – he gets it in his head that he’s able to improvise…”

“Of course, I’ll keep ‘im in line for you.”

“But please don’t fight! Please, Evaan, you mustn’t fight…”

“Don’t worry, don’t worry. I’ll be perfectly civil.”

“I can’t tell you how much this means to me – there’s more – there’s more riding on this mission than you coud know, and to have your support and your aid…”

“Leia,” Evaan said gently. “It’s nothing. I never considered anything else.”

“You’re a true friend,” Leia said seriously, and reached up to kiss her on the cheek. “You ought to go check in with Luke, I’ve got to find Han…”

“I think he’s talking to General Calrissian? Over by that – ‘ship’ of his…”

“Oh, he’s loaning him the Falcon, isn’t he? That’s like his child, you know, it means a…” She trailed off abruptly, wincing.

“Hey. I heard about the couple, about what happened,” Evaan said gently.

“Oh, that?” Leia said lightly, trying to hide the emotion on her face and looking away to gaze at Han. “It’s nothing, it just didn’t work out.”

“You’ll find someone who’ll love it so much more than they would, okay? That baby has got to be one in a million.”

“Because I’m its birth mother?” Leia asked, teasing gently.

“Who, you? You’re alright – I’m more smitten with my new commanding officer over there,” Evaan drawled, snorting as Han made a particularly dramatic gesture. “I know it’s cheesy, but… made by two people who love each other, all that…”

“Stop, that’s far too cheesy – and stop acting like you’re saying goodbye! I’ll see you soon.”

“Of course. See you soon, princess.”

“Princess?” Mon’s voice, ringing out clearly. “Could I speak with you for a moment?”

“What is it?” Leia asked, tracking Han as he slipped inside the Falcon for a moment. “Even though I’m not on the ground, I hope you won’t say––”

“I expect you to be by my side with Command, of course,” Mon said without hesitation. “I’ll want your insight.”

“ _Thank_ you,” Leia said breathlessly, again flushing at how much emotion her response showed. “Is that – I mean, is that all?”

“No – I wanted to give you these,” Mon said, displaying two bright bracelet-like objects each with a silver disc. “As you know, if the ship takes fire and is boarded…”

“I’m to evacuate via escape pod. Yes,” Leia said, nodding. It was a protocol they’d decided upon recently, in conjunction with Han and Luke. She had told no one the intended location she’d decided, lest Vader pull it out of them. As much as she loathed the idea of leaving before others, she knew her ability to run and shoot deftly was limited – and she knew exactly what would happen to the houseguest if she was captured.

“These two communicate location – only to each other. I thought you might give General Solo the other, so that if worst comes to worst, the two of you can still be reunited,” Mon explained, pressing them into Leia’s hands.

“That’s very kind,” Leia said, almost in surprise. “Thank you.”

“It’s very rare to find someone with whom you are so well-matched. And even rarer still to recognize it, and hold onto them,” Mon said simply. “I’d hate for you to have to let him go.”

She wanted to – something – cry, maybe, hug her old mentor, ask her what she thought of her, if she was a good person, a good mother, a good woman, a good daughter. “I’m sorry,” she managed, fanning under her eyes again. “It’s this second skeleton I’m growing within me, it makes me cry…”

“There’s no shame in tears, dear,” the older woman said gently. “It seems you never quite understood that.”

“I don’t have any choice now, as it were,” Leia quipped, wiping her eyes. “Thank you – thank you.”

“I’ll see you in Command, princess,” Mon said, nodding. “Tell General Solo I wish him the safest of travels.”

By the time Han got to Leia, she was sitting on a metal bench, beside herself. “I don’t want to talk to you,” she said, putting up her hand. “I’ve had far too many emotional conversations and I just can’t bear it. I feel horribly girlish.”

“None for me, then?” he teased gently, kneeling beside her. “Don’t even get a goodbye kiss?”

She rolled her eyes dramatically at the reference to their Hoth argument, but shook her head. “I just spoke to Luke a moment ago, it was just awful… I feel like I’m sending you all to your graves…”

“That’s hormones,” he assured her as he took her hand in both of his, even though he wasn’t so sure himself. “S’just a mission, sweetheart. Like any other. We’ve done it a thousand times.”

“Not like this. In the other thousand I’ve _been there,_ I’ve been able to _help_.”

“So you think we won’t make it without ya, huh? That it?” he teased gently.

“Don’t _mock_ me, I’m being _serious_!”

“I know,” he promised, kissing her hand. “Hey, what’re those?”

“Oh. One’s for you,” she said, handing him the beacon. “It’s from Mon – I have the other. It’s so you can find me, if I have to evacuate.”

“That’s real thoughtful of her.”

“Yes it is – how can you be so _casual_ about this!”

“’Cause I know there’s nothin’ to do now but do the best job we can and see what happens.”

“Where do you get perspective like that, when can I have some? Is it when you turn thirty? I don’t know if I can wait that long,” she moaned.

“Hey, hey, easy on the age thing, I ain’t that much past thirty and you ain’t so far yourself.”

“I just have the most terrible feeling…” she moaned again.

“It’s gonna be okay, sweetheart.”

“I want her to be safe, so I want you and Luke to fight your hardest, but I want _you two_ to be safe, so I want you to fall back and play it safe – why can’t I ever have everyone I care about be safe, I don’t understand…”

“This time you will. Okay? I’ma make sure.”

“I want to say _Han don’t you dare give this everything you’ve got, come home to me!_ but I _need_ you to fight for her, I _need_ you to do what I cannot, I need you to make it safe…”

“It’s gonna be okay,” he repeated, squeezing her hand.

“I don’t think it is. Everyone is speaking to me as though it’s the end of the world, saying these emotional things – it’s just _terrible_!”

Han shifted awkwardly. “Guess that makes this next bit kinda awkward, huh?”

“How do you mean?”

“Don’t be mad, alright?” Han pleaded, shifting over to one knee.

“Don’t you _dare_ ,” Leia hissed, glancing around furtively. “Don’t you do this, don’t you make me cry right now – don’t you do this to me…”

“Jus’ figured – since m’going in without you – might help you if you had – a token, or somethin’…”

“ _Something to remember you by!_ Don’t, Han, please don’t, you’re making me think you think you won’t come out alive…”

“Just shut it and let me say what I wanna say, alright?”

“I don’t want this, I can’t hear you––!”

“Like I was sayin’ – a token that tells you m’coming back for you… to be with you…”

“I’m not listening!”

By the time he’d pulled out the ring, she’d covered her ears and closed her eyes. “It’s a melted down bit of metal from that medal you gave me? Sorta makeshift, but you know, limited resources, was that or the Falcon. You looked so damn beautiful, but I always thought – someone should give _her_ a medal, _she’s_ the real hero…”

“Stop it – please stop it…”

“Promise I won’t throw up this time – I love you, c’mon, will you marry me, princess?”

Her eyes were open and her hands were removed, but she was crying, her face red and beaming and furious and happy and angry… “Look what you’re doing to me, this isn’t fair, you can’t do this to me!”

“Can and I will. Say you will, Lei.”

She shook her head, tears really streaming now. “You’re such a scoundrel, preying on a poor innocent very pregnant woman who’s scared out of her mind about your safety...”

“Don’t be _scared_ , m’tellin’ you, it’ll be okay – look, if you really want me to wait––!” Han exclaimed, going to put the ring back in his pocket, but she grabbed his hand forcefully.

“Of course I’ll _marry_ you, you _stupid_ nerfherder, but that doesn’t mean you’re forgiven for reducing me to total histrionics and––!” Leia declared, but was interrupted by him kissing her hard, forcefully – helping her to her feet and jamming the ring on her finger and sweeping his arms around her waist as her hands raked through his hair, his mouth moving against hers fervently and betraying all the fear he said he didn’t feel – her tongue was so insistent, needing – he couldn’t hold her tight enough, couldn’t kiss her passionately enough…

He could hear whistling, a chorus of it, and cheering, and someone shouting out, “Hey princess! What you got there on your finger?”

He opened an eye just in time to see her flipping off the pilots, the other hand holding his face to hers.

“Come back to me safe,” Leia breathed when they finally broke their lips apart. She took his hand and placed it on her belly, stroked his cheek with her other thumb. “We need you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the amazing feedback!


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another fast update, I hope you don’t mind, I just can’t help myself!

Leia supposed she thought she would feel different. Or rather she’d had _thoughts_ – not strong thoughts, but thoughts – about marriage, that had led her to think it would feel high-stakes, that it would stir something within her. And it didn’t, not really – it was more like a much-needed period at the send of a sentence rather than an unexpected exclamation point. She loved Han so much, more than she thought possible and almost in a way that made her feel destabilized, just because their love affair was such a slim proportion of their entire relationship and were there other things in her life that would reveal themselves to be true all along, secrets desires everyone saw coming but her? So in that way – that slimness – she should’ve felt – exhilarated, maybe. She had cried, quite a bit, but it was because he’d chosen to this _now_ , before going off into _battle_ , it was so cliché and terrible and romantic and serious. But she had no desire to articulate dramatically with her left hand only, to spin the makeshift ring and squeal to herself.

She was afraid of this calmness, this lack of different-feeling. Did it mean the intuition deep inside her knew he’d never return and they’d never be married so there was no reason to spend more emotional energy on it than the hysterics she’d expended in the moment? Did it mean the intuition deep inside her knew everything would be alright and of _course_ they’d be married and it wasn’t so much of a fuss? She felt like an explorer trying to read an atlas of her own impulses without a key. She felt drenched in a kind of turbulent dissociation from her usual rationality. She felt faintly embarrassed that she’d so easily had her spirits lifted by a proposal that, her gut was telling her, was either pointless or inevitable. He better not get used to this – better not anticipate if he brings her a bouquet of flowers from Endor that she’d burst into tears. Or better not get used to it occurring once her body stabilized again. His blubbering bride…

 _Stupid, stupid, stupid!_ A voice in her head was railing as she walked briskly towards Command. _Stupid, naïve – you have no idea if he’ll make it out alive – if Luke will make it out alive._ What was she doing, fantasizing about afterwards as though she was promised it, as though she was entitled?

This was something Leia knew about war: she wasn’t entitled to anything. Clothes that fit her? A body under her control? The ability to plan more than fifteen minutes in the future? Nothing, not for her, no guarantees.

And she didn’t know too if she could trust Han’s insistence that everything would be okay – that’s what was so especially hard. Trust wasn’t the wrong word, but she could sense he wasn’t truly telling her what he believed. Trying to protect her, protect the chemical balance of a body in which a very small person resided. Maybe a part of her felt like she _needed_ that protection. She _did_ feel out of balance, off her game. But she wished she could take it at face value when he told her he believed she’d be okay.

It was so funny – one moment she was elated, gushing, emotional. But the minute they’d taken off, the cold feeling returned. Han had been right in that she appreciated having a token – she kept running her thumb over the ring. She was worrying it, fussing. The houseguest was fussing inside her. She was _helpless._ She was _worried_.

“Princess,” Carlist said as a hasty greeting, ushering her to her seat at a Command module. She was directing what would be the outer perimeter of fighters – not Lando, thank gods, she couldn’t be responsible for the Falcon, it would be like being responsible for the survival of Han’s baby – and, well, she was already doing that, she couldn’t handle doing so twice.

Leia tried to lower herself into the seat gracefully, which was mostly a bust, but she set on her headset and rubbed her eyes a bit. “Any word on how the shuttle’s doing, do you know?”

“None yet. But that doesn’t point one way or the other.”

“Hm,” Leia said neutrally, trying not to let too much emotion show.  

Carlist shifted awkwardly. “I know it isn’t my business, but I feel responsible – I sincerely apologize that the couple had such a dramatic change of heart. I could never have guessed they would do such a thing.”

“Thank you,” Leia said simply, affixing her headset better against her crown of braids. She thought of the girl who had wailed in his office – _I can’t, I can’t, I can’t!_ She’d never felt so helpless except she had, watching Alderaan’s destruction. Helplessness surprised her every time.

“If you need any more help––”

“After,” she said firmly. “I can’t talk about this right now.”

“Of course.” He gave her a close-lipped sad smile, then nodded at her hand. “When did you become engaged?”

“Recently. Bit of a pre-battle stunt, really,” she teased.

“Ah, that makes more sense – normally news about you two travels very fast.”

“You can’t believe everything you hear, you know,” she said with a tired half-smile.

“Well – congratulations, then.” He shook his head a little, looking – tired, old, weary – but somehow optimistic. “If your parents could see you…”

“Oh! They’d be scandalized!”

“I think they’d be very impressed that you’ve managed to find your own happiness amidst this all. If you don’t mind my saying though.”

Leia scrunched up her face and squeezed her eyes shut to avoid any tears. “I do mind – you mustn’t say things like that to me – I don’t know why everyone feels the need to say the kindest, most emotional things to me, it’s just awful, my disciplined wartime face is so fragile right now…”

“Well then – let me just say I look forward to seeing you both on the other side of this, Lelila,” Carlist said. “And to celebrating then.”

She let him hug her shoulders, but afterwards trained her eyes more firmly on the displays in front of her. _Celebrating then –_ something in her stomach was turning. She couldn’t explain it. But still, she ignored it. “Red Leader, Green Leader, Gray – this is Command, do you copy? – Excellent, fantastic. No word on the shuttle yet but we’re going to drill attack formations based on the schematics until they’re muscle memory – I want you to be able to see the readouts of that space station on the inside of your eyelids and you will by the time we’re ready – listen closely and prepare for instruction, on my word…”

XX.

“Don’t you laugh at me, Solo!” Evaan scowled, pointing at him. “You’re in a very precarious position you know, it’s not the time to get on my bad side…”

“Sorry, sorry, I just – ah…!” Han rasped, unable to hide his grin even from this fucking terrible spot upside-down with his wrists bound. “Never thought I’d see you – in a _dress_ …”

Chewie roared an admonishment.

“What! Don’t she look like a fuckin’ – fuckin’ – woodland fairy princess, _shit_ Verlaine!” Han kept gasping, shaking his head.

“You’re about to be _sacrificed_ you know, you _might_ want to consider who has the relationship with these guys,” Evaan said haughtily, shifting uncomfortably in the much-too-small animal skin dress.

“You guys are wasting time!” Luke whined.

“Threepio, tell them Solo finds their enforced fashion choices laughable – see what they say,” Evaan snapped.

“Hey! I think you make a _great_ woodland fairy princess!”

"Save it, moon jockey,” Evaan said, but she rolled her eyes and conceded. “Alright, Threepio – tell them to set ‘em free.” Threepio started to so but, as more wood began to be piled on to pit, though, Evaan left her post immediately and lunged forward to pull the wood off. “Hey! The droid’s telling you to set them free – this is _not_ what free looks like.”

The furry creatures pointed their spears at her, and she put her hands up.

“Actually it appears to be a very noble interpretation of the concept of freedom,” she said slowly, standing up very careful and moving beside the captives.

“Thanks for the attempt,” Luke said as Evaan’s hands were bound as well.

“Don’t mention it.”

Luckily for them, Luke’s trick with the Force worked well – unluckily for Evaan and much to Han’s delight, the Ewoks remained insistent that she wear the outfit they’d picked out for you. “Don’t seem so bad, dressed like a girl,” Han said as the group relaxed in one of the Ewoks’ many huts. “Kinda… softens ya, makes you seem less like you’ll bite my head off?”

“Do you always insult women as faux-flirting, or do you just like insulting them unrelatedly?” Evaan asked, rolling her eyes.

“Please. This ain’t flirting. Or insulting! Just par for the course!”

“Let me know how it goes when you tell Princess Leia Organa that she looks less threatening in girls’ clothes,” Evaan said, snorting.

“Hey. Her Worship likes when I push ‘er buttons.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Hope she’s alright…” Han said, frowning a little and fiddling with the beacon in his pocket.

“Why wouldn’t she be? She’s probably worried sick about _you_ , but at least you have the security of knowing she’s with the fleet.”

“Yeah I know I just – she seemed uneasy, when we left…”

“More like uncomfortable. I have no idea how she even gets out of bed, she’s so – front-heavy, now. She’s so tiny, it just feels disproportionate.”

“S’Leia, duty calls. Y’know, all that.”

“Ah yes, ‘all that.’ A commitment to justice, you know, all that crap.”

“Hey, I think we can both agree she could stand to be a little less committed to justice. Least for the next – what is it, three weeks?”

“That’s soon.”

“Yup.”

“But then this whole thing will be – done with?” Evaan asked carefully, cocking her head.

"Mighty personal questions you’re asking there, Verlaine.”

“Well alright, you can have a free one. Ask me something.”

He frowned, then shrugged and said casually, “Y’still have feelings for her? Lei, I mean – s’alright if you do, just curious.”

Evaan raised her eyebrows. “That _is_ personal.”

“S’not a big deal or anything.”

“Well, I’m glad I would have your permission.” She shook her head a little, frowning. “I don’t think so, not like that. I don’t – really know if they were ever, quite like that. I think – she needed someone familiar and someone whose loyalty she felt like she had, so she could let go in front of them and they wouldn’t desert her,” Evaan said slowly. “And I think I wanted my home back, to have been able to save it, and thought I could get it by being with her and giving her anything she needed.”

“S’a little fucked,” Han stated bluntly.

“I’m sure if she thought you really wouldn’t judge her for crying in front of you she would’ve preferred to sleep with you. Not because of the man thing but because, you know, she liked you, all that.”

“Thought I’d judge her?”

“Wouldn’t you have?”

Han considered that. “I dunno. Guess I’ve changed a lot since then.”

“She has too, you’re not alone in that.” Evaan paused, then frowned and nodded at where Luke was standing, apart and somber. “And so has Skywalker, as it were – used to be so happy-go-lucky and now I’ve never seen anyone so solemn… war changes people.”

“I better go talk to him,” Han said, getting up. “F’I don’t you see ‘til the morning – make sure you find your uniform, think you’re not too mobile in that thing, huh?”

“In my defense, it’s made for someone half my size. Princess Leia sized, really. Pre-pregnancy, of course.”

“Think she’d wear it better, huh?”

Evaan smiled. “She’d make it work. Always was really good at making the best of things.”

“Hey,” Han said, watching as Luke drifted out to the walkway. “Do me a solid and get Threepio to ask the furballs about supplies and whatnot?”

“Yes, General,” she teased, rolling her eyes as she did so.

“Hey kid,” Han said awkwardly, greeting Luke out on the bridge. “What’s eating you?”

Luke nodded up at the Death Star.

“Daddy Dearest up there?”

“He is.”

“Not for much longer,” Han asserted confidently, shoving his hands in his pockets.

Luke scowled. “I don’t want to kill him, Han, I want to _turn_ him.”

“I don’t get that,” Han admitted. “You got – not quite a whole family but more family than I’ve ever had, hells – Leia’s your _sister_ , you got all your friends too – what do you need him for?”

“Killing is just…” He shook his head. “It’s not the Jedi way.”

“Well, if it’s _Not the Jedi way…_ ” Han said, his voice coming out a bit more acid than intended. Luke said nothing, so Han frowned. “Hey uh… you can – c’you feel Leia?” he asked after a moment.

“A little, yes.”

“She feel okay?”

“I think so. Uneasy. But safe.”

“You mind telling her that we’re alright?”

“It doesn’t really work like that…”

“Well however it works, just – give her a sign, alright?”

“Alright,” Luke said, smiling a little, but faintly.

Han shifted again. “Wanna know something?”

“What’s that?”

“Asked her to marry me. Before we left.”

Luke’s smile broadened. “Did you really?”

“Uh-huh.” He cracked a crooked grin. “So I guess you gotta make it outta here to be her maid of honor.”

“Oh, I’m not best man material?”

Han raised his eyebrows. “No offense kid, you’re alright but you’re no Chewie.”

“Fair enough.” Luke looked up again, pondering. “I wonder if I’ll ever find someone like that. If we make it out of here.”

“Like Chewie?”

“No, like you and Leia.” He shrugged a little. “The Jedi used to be celibate, but…”

“You will,” Han said simply, surprising himself.

Luke was surprised to, and turned to him. “You think?”

Han nodded. “Yeah, I think so. Didn’t ever think I’d find someone like Leia. Or even that I wanted to. But then it kinda – all made sense.”

“That’s probably one of the most sensitive things I’ve heard you say, Han.”

“Hey! I’m plenty sensitive.”

“Sure.”

“Go ask your sister, she’ll tell you all about how _sensitive_ I am.”

“Ugh, you’re so gross.”

“Nah, you all love it,” Han said, clapping his back absently. They stood in silence for a moment, then Han cleared his throat. “You really gotta face him, huh?”

“Yes,” Luke confessed. “If not for the Rebellion...”

“Then for the houseguest, yeah, I got it. Just wanted to be sure.” Han frowned, then asked, “C’I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“You remember when you first heard her call it that?” Han asked. “‘Houseguest’, just – never really – got where it came from.”

“Oh – I don’t really remember, I think it was something about – the fleeting nature, of everything, all her relationships, at that point,” Luke recalled. “‘Someone else to come and go, something else to leave me.’”

XX. 

The first stitch came when Luke took the first step to surrender to the Imperials, though she wouldn’t know that until later, until afterwards. Also, if she was being honest with herself, it wasn’t _really_ the first stitch – there’d been sort of cramps, sort of spasms, something like that brewing uneasily since – well, since the meditation exercise, every so often, every few hours, not enough to make her stop and take notice. Leia didn’t know how exactly she believed the Force fit into everything she’d experienced in her life but later she would agree that yes, something had been – thrown into action, thrown off course, irrevocably changed, when Luke concretely made that decision. “Altered his destiny.”  

Part of why she didn’t give it much thought is because of the headache she’d had through the whole evening, which had been sleepless, she’d stayed up all night doing strategy. It was like something was skillfully but delicately picking away at her head with a scalpel, methodically testing her mental defenses, sampling the toughness of her mind. A blinding headache, right behind one of her eyes and coupled with nausea, such that when her lower back joined in causing her suffering it almost felt it was merely a guest at a party showing up late.

She took a moment to let it settle, regrouped. Tried to patch through to contact Luke or Han or Evaan – she’d been doing so for hours without success, but couldn’t help but trying. Then she scoured the records from the past twelve hours or so for any indication of something gone awry – nothing.

Face scrunched up in pain from the headache, hand firmly on her lower back, she called out, “What information do we have on the ground team? When have we last had communication?”

“Comms have been jammed for hours, Your Highness,” a recruit answered immediately.

“Right – yes, I know that I – before that, did we have any updates about Commander Skywalker specifically? He was with the group?”

“As far as we know, Your Highness – why?”

“Just a feeling… my apologies, resume your post-t-t-t…” That same blinding pain behind her eye, also percolating yet again in her lower back, causing her to pause and scrunch up her nose and grimace.

“Are you alright, Princess?”

“Fine,” she managed after it reached its peak and passed, realizing she was leaning hard on her chair. “It’s a migraine, I had them as a child – I’m fine.” She straightened up and nodded firmly. “I’m going to – splash some water on my face, I’ll be back in a moment.”

Leia walked briskly from the Command center to the nearest ‘fresher. When she sat down on the sani – she had to pee so often these days, might as well take the opportunity to do so now – she had to frown, though. “What…?” At this point she was used to her vagina taking every opportunity to surprise her but this sort of discharge-like – _substance_ in her panties was definitely a new one…

She shut her eyes and rested her head against the door to the stall. All of this would be over soon. The migraine would pass and Han would come home to her. She wiped her underwear as best she could and went to wash her hands and wash her face briskly. Looking in the mirror there, she almost didn’t recognize herself – she looked – _different_ , a different woman from who’d she’d been before – well she _was_ …

On the way down the hall suddenly it was like she’d been run over, overcome – the worst, iciest, coldest feeling smacking her in the face, a brief glimpse of Luke’s defiance face and then that mechanical breathing, low, violent words she couldn’t make out amidst the pain of that headache – that violent sense of coldness and blackness and suffering – and her _back_ , her lower back was _killing_ her – one second she was standing and then she was leaning back, hard, against the corridor wall, sinking to the floor – she couldn’t say a word, there was so much _pain_ , it just felt like – _pain_ , _pain_ , like something inside her was revolting, flinching, recoiling, overcome – she felt overcome––

Then she was sort of half-sitting, half-squatting on the floor when she noticed it – pinched the inseam of her pants and froze, saw the stream of fluid that had been puddling beneath her on the floor.

For a second she thought – _they’ve finally done it, they’ve punctured me, I’ve deflated, I’m emptying out from the inside, I’m collapsing in on myself._ And then she put it together and felt like she _was_ collapsing – hot tears springing into existence and burning on her face – _no, no, no, no! Not now, not now, no – not yet, I don’t want to, not right now, I can’t right now!_

But something inside her, the Leia Organa from another time, shoved all of those thoughts down violently. That Leia Organa checked herself for lingering crippling pain, gave herself a firm nod, took off her jacket and tied it around her waist to cover the stain from the clear fluid, and clawed herself back up into standing before walking very briskly if awkwardly back to Command.

Ackbar was her direct superior, this time, and she approached him with total discipline and rigidity. “Admiral, I need to request a substitute be found for my station,” she said in a low, curt voice.

"At ease, Princess – what’s the situation?”

It would all be so comical if it weren’t so serious. “I have a – a personal matter to attend to,” she clarified in that same low voice.

“Personal matter?” the admiral said, far too loud for Leia’s liking.

"Admiral Ackbar, I need your approval now – Princess, are you alright? You look positively pale.” Dodonna, then, having strode over, frowning at her.

“I’m sick,” she managed faintly. “I need to be seen.”

“Really, Your Highness, of all the times to fall ill––”

But Luke felt the Emperor, then, and Dodonna was looking on in total shock as Leia doubled over, cried out, and gripped his arm so tightly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your reviews are awesome!


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a different format for this chapter. I hope you don’t mind that I don’t spend much time recapping the events that occur onscreen in RoTJ – I found that after a certain point I was just turning the screenplay into text rather than generating new material for you all.

They pulled Shara out before the Rebel fleet made the jump to hyperspace, the orders coming in crisp and clear: that she return immediately, to be swapped with a pilot on standby. And she had – mixed feelings about that, to be honest. She was resentful at being pulled – resentful that she wouldn’t aid in the fight of her lifetime – resentful because even though no one said she knew exactly why she had been called in, immediately, and the fact of the matter was what kind of military that employed women didn’t staff a gynecologist? Shara Bey had expertise as a pilot and a fighter – not as a midwife. In another life the experience of having given birth would be the most conventional thing about her – here it was a special skill.

On the flip side: yes, there was a part of her that was grateful for this supreme, sudden blessing of Princess Leia’s early labor, of Shara having been taken out of the line of fire in the fleet’s most dangerous endeavor yet. Kes was on the ground and while there had been a time when if he had to – go, as they called it, “if I go,” “when I go” – in battle she would want to go with him, fighting for the same noble cause, now, with Poe… well. Her life had turned on its axis. They couldn’t both go. Not now.

Of course, it wasn’t like she was safe back with Command. Far from it. If they surrendered, they’d be boarded – but there were escape pods here, maybe she could – her odds of making it out alive seemed somewhat better, yes…

She could make it out alive. She would just – deliver the child of the last princess of Alderaan – gods _damn_ these male commanders, calling her in anxiously, so certain that by having a vagina a child had passed through she’d be well-equipped to inspect another – and then she would make it out alive. _This_ was her job now: getting the princess and her baby safely to the other side of this mess. This was her job and she would do it.

“I’m Shara Bey, I’m here for Leia,” Shara declared, pushing into medical and looking around. The place with practically vacant – everyone out at their posts, no injury worth healing if you could still fight on it.

A very young, nervous-looking man appeared from behind a curtain. “You’re here, thank gods. We didn’t know how quickly they would be able to find you.”

“Well, they found me. How’s she doing?”

The man sort of threw up his hands as if in surrender or else total confusion. “We don’t _know_ , that’s the trouble – Command had her come down here a bit ago, she was in a lot of pain but she was handling it, something about a migraine – but she was _alright_ , she was helping us cut bandages––”

“You had her cutting bandages.”

“She wanted to help! What was I supposed to say? Anyway she was cutting bandages and then it just – got _worse_ , she couldn’t even speak much when they hit––”

“They as in contractions? Were they getting closer together? Were you timing them?”

“Listen, I don’t know anything about this – it’s way outside my training, I’m a military medic!”

“And she’s in your military – listen, other than the pain – I mean has there been blood, did her water––?”

“She said – er, she said her – waters broke, she did say that,” the medic said, his face wrinkling with anxiety slightly. “’Cause she asked to change into a gown – no blood though, I don’t think.”

“And where is she now?”

“She’s resting on one of the cots – we gave her a bit of…” The medic indicated his mouth and nose, as if to describe a gas administered through a mask.

“You what? _Why?_ ”

“That was Winston’s idea, not mine – Winston!”

Another medic appeared, a little older, looking a bit spooked – Shara wanted to roll her eyes, what was spooking him, the knowledge of how childbirth works, a woman experiencing pain in an unattractive way? “I’m Winston. Shara, is it?”

“I’m her, yes – your friend here was saying you went ahead and knocked out the princess…?”

“She was in a lot of pain – she was screaming and going all pale – her lips were almost turning purple to blue. Where I’m from – look, when my sister had her kid, they knocked her right out for it – twilight sleep, what’s it called? That’s how it’s done.”

“I’ve heard of practices like that – it makes it much harder for her to push, actually, not to mention it can be traumatic––”

“Well listen, she’s not out yet – just woozy, y’know, sort of delirious but she’s not _unconscious_ – think it took the edge off, that’s good, right? Anyway, how could we know what to do?”

“Just take me to her, okay?” Shara sighed. “If she’s going to be at it for a long time still, I’ll walk her back to her place – no need for us to stick around here.” She nodded decisively. “Let me grab some stuff from here first, alright? Put it together in a bag? Then I’ll take her back.”  

The men looked relieved at that. Of course they did.

Shara clapped her hands together, readying herself. Yes, this was her task now. It was a lonely galaxy these days – women had to stick together, especially women with children. Women had to be kind to each other because no one else would be kind to them. This was her job.   

XX. 

Leia didn’t know how she’d gotten back to her unit. She didn’t know who had helped her out of the scratchy, ill-fitting medical gown and into one of Han’s soft t-shirts, no panties, and a pair of socks. She didn’t know who, either, had taken down her hair from the headachey braids and finger-combed it out with a gentleness that briefly blissed her out, a soft relief in the midst of all this pain. She didn’t know but she was grateful – grateful for generosity where she could get it, grateful for a little bit of kindness and care in this cold world, grateful that someone had somehow decided to take care of her. Something she would never consent to otherwise – she liked to take care, not receive care. And yet as she cried out desperately, sinking to her knees after having been pacing uneasily around her bed, she felt the blessed, dizzy security of someone wiping her brow and murmuring kindly to her felt – safe. For once, safe. Taken care of.

She needed to be taken care of because she was hurting. She needed to be taken care of so she could stay strong for when Han came back. She needed to be taken care of so she could become a Jedi and save the galaxy. She needed to be taken care of so she could protect the surviving Alderaanians. She needed to be taken care of so she could take care of her baby. She needed to be taken care of so she could care, care, care…

She couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt pain like this. Torture, maybe? She’d been tortured once, yes… if she sifted through a sea of bleary, swirling memories she could see that torture – but that had come from outside herself, this was coming from within – this small silver fish child passing from within her to without her… this silver fish thing did it really know it would be able to survive without her? Could she bear if it lived without her?

Wiggling from within her, charting its passage, she could feel it moving from her lower back to her pelvis – wiggling, desperate – riding the waves of pain, riding the waves within her… every so often between waves she’d perch in a chair and her caretaker would peer between her legs, stick her gloved fingers up there – dilation meant her cervix opening itself and effacement – something else… the opening hurt the most, feeling so wide and yet so too-small – would her baby come out too small – it wasn’t time yet, it wasn’t time.

She wanted Han. She wanted her mother. She wanted – she wanted – she _needed_ – she hurt… stumbling to pee and barely able to sit on the sani, throwing up water, her headache blinding with the fear of it – Luke – her baby – her mother – Han – Luke, Luke – the baby, her baby, a fish trying to escape her, why did everything she love try to escape her? Leave her behind, a discarded carcass, a womb, a halfway house? Asteroid belt created from a dead planet, her body split open – what if something really bad happened to her and Han never knew – they were in combat now, she knew, they’d made the jump to hyper and she’d vomited – alarms everywhere too – trap something – her head radiating, agony, _agony_ …

There was a voice talking to her, almost so high-pitched and sweet it sounded like a child’s… She was blinded by her headache, really blinded, could only look out through slits in her eyes, couldn’t see anything. “Leia? Darling? Won’t you get up now, won’t you let me help you up?”

“M’fine…” Leia managed to mumble. “M’fine d’here…”

“Let’s try to get you up to the bed, sweet girl. Come on now.”

Very thin, very pale arms helping her to her feet. Almost like her own arms. “No… I don’t want…”

“That’s my sweet girl, it’s okay. You’re okay. Let me help you into bed now…”

“Hurts…”

“I know, I know it hurts, I remember.”

“Tired. H’long…”

“It’s been a long time, sweet girl. You’ve been at this a long time. Hush now, let me look after you.”

Cared for – cared for – the flashes of pale arms, long, flowing hair, loving smile. “Who’re you, who’re…”

“You know me, silly.”

“I do…?”

“Yes, you do. Hush now, lie back... save your strength for the next one…”

“S’hot.”

“You’re hot – that’s alright, here…” Patting her forehead again with the cold cloth. “Save you strength. Sh-sh.”

“Where’s – what happened – Shara…?”

“Don’t you worry. I’m here now.”

“I want… my – I want my mam…”

“I’m right here,” the pale woman said, finger-combing her hair.

“S’not – you’re not m’mam… I want my mama…”

“Oh, Leia.” She pressed her fingertips to her face – they felt cool. “Hush now. Just relax, just try to breathe.”

“Who – you… my baby…”

“I promise you’ll remember me,” the woman said. “She’ll remember you.”

Abruptly, they shook again, the whole ship trembling – firepower, collision, blast – the fish wiggled hard, lower, angry – Leia was crying out again, desperately, and then––

 _She could see Luke, she could see Luke, facing – that monster, their father – she could see him –_ her head _– ruling the galaxy or – she could see – this violence, this pain…_

“It’s okay, honey, it’s okay, just breathe––”

“Why’re they hurting him – I don’t – I don’t understand…”

 _And then she could see Han, dodging blaster shots_ – _swerving – she could feel that he was afraid, she could feel it, she could feel his fear_ …

"You’re okay, darling, I promise you, I promise you’re okay…”

_Luke and that sound, the Vader sound, its hurt––_

“I promise you, I won’t let anything happen to you…” The voice fading, choking…

 _Han and a wound on his shoulder, searing pain, she could feel it, through the baby – the baby could feel – it hurt_ , _it hurt––_

“I love you, I’m here – I won’t let _anything_ happen to you, to either of you…”

_It hurt – she hurt – the violence – the shaking – the galaxy––_

“ _Leia_ ,” the woman said and it was like this jolt of familiarity – _beautiful – kind – sad––_

“Are you my…?”

And then suddenly Shara came right into focus, grabbing one of Leia’s pale hands in two of her tan ones, saying to her in her firm, definitive voice, “Leia? Can you hear me?”

"I can hear – where’d she – where’d you go…”

“I’ve been here all along, I haven’t left you.”

“Are we… are we under attack?” Leia managed, struggling to sit up.

“The ship’s being bombarded, yes, but that’s not unexpected – listen, that isn’t your job right now, alright? Your job is right here – to focus on this – and you’re doing amazing.”

“Is Han – I felt – Luke…?”

“We don’t have any information like that yet – people are pouring into medical, really pouring, but neither of them have been there. Kes hasn’t either,” she added. “It could be a good thing, it could be a bad thing. Either way, it’s not what you need to focus on right now.”

“I felt… I saw…”

“Listen to me, Leia – you’re just coming up on coming out of transition, alright, that’s my best guess – will you let me check you out again?”

“Y-yes…”

“Okay. Let’s sit you on the edge of the bed – I’m going to shine a light, is that okay? And feel with my fingers. Is that okay?”

“I don’t – I don’t care – Luke – something’s happened to Luke…”

“Focus, Leia, please stay with me. Please, please – I’m worried too, I want this to be okay too – spread your legs now, alright?”

Hours later Leia still inhaled sharply at the thought of fingers poking her – her face worrying itself into a grimace – too intimate – where was the woman, the woman from before…

"I know you’re tired, we’re almost done. I’m tired too Leia, I’m really tired too.”

“Han…”

“I’m worried about Kes too. Please – I wish I – we can’t go back to medical, it’s too full – I don’t have anything to hold your legs apart, I’m sorry – do your best to spread them for me.”

“It – I can’t…”

"You have to Leia – it’s not safe, we have to get this baby out.”

“Safe – Luke…”

“Just – _please_ , you’re strong, be strong alright? Be strong.”

Leia found the strength to spread her legs. To let herself be touched even though she felt – humiliated, she felt humiliated, degraded and small and vulnerable, sleepy, everything hurt… “Would you be gentle…”

“Gentle, I got it, don’t worry – alright, steady like that – alright, that’s it… alright. Alright. Okay.”

“What’s it…” She was aching – aching – hurting again that fish feeling – agony – silver – wiggling – hurting her – her baby hurting – she was being hurt – Han, Luke––

“I think it’s time for you to push soon, Leia. Now, even – they’re coming fast and furious, I can’t tell for sure where you’re at but it seems like it’s as wide as it will get… do you feel like you want to push?”

“I don’t – I don’t know…” She didn’t know what she felt like – she felt like she was churning – churning – aching – squirming, exploding, exhausted––

“Just relax – just listen to your body.”

Did she feel like she wanted to push? She felt like she wanted – something, something to happen – she felt like – she felt tired, she felt –

Yes, this desire inside her, wanting to – press, bear down – _go_ , _go_ – give forward – give something – go…

Even if she wanted to push – it wasn’t time it wasn’t safe – the baby – she was too small, it wasn’t safe – they were under bombardment – where was Han – she couldn’t – it wasn’t – she couldn’t keep her safe.

 _I love you, I’m here – I won’t let_ anything _happen to you._

She would keep her safe. She would find a way to keep her safe. Mother to daughter – grandmother to mother to daughter – she could, she would – she would reanimate from beyond the grave if she had to – she _would_ keep her safe.

“I need to push, yes,” Leia managed, sitting herself near the edge of the bed and hitching one leg up on the bedpost like a makeshift stirrup. “I need to push – Shara – I’m sorry I – I’m sorry about all this…”

“It’s alright, we’ve got it. We can do this. It’s the most natural thing in the galaxy,” Shara insisted, squatting on the floor between the other woman’s legs.

“We can keep one thing safe,” Leia gasped out, propping herself up on her elbows.

Shara nodded, wiping the bloody insides of Leia’s legs with a damp cloth. “We can keep one thing safe.” She reached up and squeezed Leia’s ankle, nodding. “Whenever you’re ready. Listen to yourself. You can do this. This is – what, not even in the top ten of hard things you’ve done?”

“And somehow the hardest,” Leia groaned, and then it was upon her, upon her, upon her. 

XX. 

Bright blinding light and then dark, her vision all dark and spotted and dark with the effort – gasping – her body not a body a vessel a tunnel a place to come through – a link in a long chain and then –

“Oh, princess…”

That was Shara sighing, Shara who was up to her elbows in gore, blood, Leia’s blood, smeared on her face from every time she pushed back her hair to wipe away sweat, Shara who’d stopped between Leia’s pushes to barricade their door in case they were boarded, who held onto Leia’s legs and kept her steady when the whole ship rocked with blasts from the Empire, who had a basin in front of her filled with Leia’s blood and mucus and discharge, Shara who’d tended to her…

“Oh princess, she’s beautiful.”

That moment, another second while Shara wiped – mouth, nostrils – and then –

Such a small cry, like she was surprised to be there too, so early, the galaxy alight in flames around her, but a cry nonetheless.

“Oh – she’s so beautiful – Leia…!”

“I can’t,” Leia managed to choke out, squeezing her eyes shut. “I can’t – I can’t.”

“Yes you can – here, I need you to hold her so I can cut the cord!”

“I can’t lose another thing – I can’t lose another – I can’t…”

“Just hold her – just lean forward – I promise, just – I need to cut the… open your eyes, princess, please, she’s so beautiful – oh sh-sh little one, you’re okay – Leia, _look_ at her – what are you afraid of? The hard part is over!”

“Okay,” Leia said, and she opened her eyes. “Okay.” 

XX.

Slippery. Perfect. Blood. Han’s. Luke? Family – Han – hers, slipping. Holding. Crying. Hers. Holding tight. Shara cutting – a knife! A knife by her baby – holding tight – her little face – her eyes – her eyelashes – bringing her up, up – against Han’s drenched-in-sweat shirt – her smell – her softness – her delicate little fingernails – blood – Han – hers – the smallest cry, she wanted that small cry to go away… no hurt, ever… the smallest little… beautiful, Shara had said –

“Sh-sh… don’t you – what’ve you got to cry about, you’re so perfect? You’re so perfect, you’re so perfect, you’ve nothing to cry about – I love you, I won’t let anything happen to you…”

"Need you to get ready to push again, Leia – the afterbirth… you alright holding her?”

“Sh-sh – you’re okay, you’re okay my sweet girl, you’re okay, you’re my sweet girl, I promise, I promise I won’t let anything… I’ll never – I promise…”

“Okay, I’ll take that as a yes. Here we go.” 

XX. 

Then it was hours later. How many she didn’t know. Everything hurting. Shara had done her best to stich her up – that was brutally painful, so painful, agonizing, she’d screamed – and she’d gotten the baby dressed, too, swaddled, in the few baby things Luke had collected on her request – she’d meant to give them to – but now… now they were in use. All white. The softest. The most beautiful. A little yellow cap, like the softest stars. Pale…everything hurt so bad. Yet. Tired. Like exercise, like use. Use. She felt tired out. Aching.

But also – at peace. Soft – something about her felt at peace. The headache was gone. She was alone now, Shara had to go – medical needed more hands, she promised she’d be back, Leia didn’t know how long ago that was. The ship still shaking with bombardments but she felt at peace.

At peace – lining in her bloody bed, no panties, lying on a towel, shirt pushed up, the baby baby baby beside her, touching her, flush against her breast. Little bundle. Her little bundle. Her tiny tender lips warm and loving around her nipple, at ease. Dependent but trusting. Needing her. She could look at her forever. Safety into sleepiness, soft things to sleep. The ship was in chaos but they were soft things in sleep. Tender. The last tender things in the galaxy. It gave her hope.

“I love you,” she kept saying – tears in her eyes, she kept crying – her damp hair all over the place – “I’ll do anything for you… I’ll find a home for you…” The galaxy not safe for her… “I love you I love you… you’re my girl, I love you my dear…”

Except it came out more garbled whisper than anything else. Garbled mommy whisper. Mama whisper. Birth mom whisper.

Ship rocking. Fire. Blasting. Suddenly – suddenly there were – sirens? Alerts? Intruder – were they – Leia could hear alarms – see flashing lights…

"I’ll always keep you safe. I’ll always keep you safe.”

Beautiful – kind – sad…

“I’ll do anything for you.”

Shining light – okay. Barricade gone when Shara had to leave – okay. There was an escape pod but – that was three little halls away she couldn’t crawl that far – she couldn’t crawl so far – she couldn’t, she’d pass out and the baby – the baby… she needed a place to hide, to hide until she had her strength. Okay. Leia had to move. She had to – okay. Okay. She would – okay. She would do anything – for the Rebellion? For this baby – she would do anything, anything for her baby – even give her up – she would do _anything_.

First she moved the baby from her breast, soothed her gently, burped her and calmed her. Then she set the bundle down. Then she inched, ever-so-gently – crawled, really – off of the bed, onto her knees – that pain was violent, violent! Screaming pain – stitches splitting open – fresh blood – violent, blacking – stay strong, she had to…

She managed to kneel. That too was hard. Then she yanked down the towel. Then she snatched the blaster Shara had left on the bed beside her, just in case – another violent pain, that stretching. And then she delicately carefully softly took the bundle – her baby her hope, her hope – holding her carefully in her arms, murmuring – the pain like a scream a shock – it hurt so fucking much oh _gods_ she was being cut open, split open, oh gods…

She managed to crawl. She crawled and with every screaming inch she also wiped up the blood and gore trailing behind her, so her path wouldn’t be obvious. She moved slow and tried not to black. She – she – she…

She… found the small storage cabinet under the sink in the ‘fresher and she… lined the bottom of it with the towel and crawled inside, clutching the bundle. And shut the cabinet door behind her.

In the cabinet it was dark, so dark. The only light the beacon she had tied to her wrist – a bright blue in a sea of darkness. It was cramped. Leia felt herself splitting open further. All those careful stitches… so much blood…

“Sh-sh-sh…” Leia breathed, setting the baby on her thighs, touching her nose, her cheek… “Shhh, we must be very quiet… we must be very quiet and save our strength… sh… we’ll be safe, we’ll be… sh…” Her voice so faint she could barely hear it. “My girl… sh, be quiet, be smart for me, my hope…” 

XX.

She didn’t know how long she sat there, cramped and curled up, bleeding all over the towel, like not a person. Aching. Hurting. Praying. She nursed the baby in long bouts on each breast, the keep her quiet – it kept her sane, too, kept Leia sane, that feeling of being needed, of time going by too. Safety in this warm beautiful thing… oh… her hope – oh…

But she sat there. She stayed safe. She did it. She did what she had to do. She did whatever it took, she wouldn’t let anything happen to her.

It seemed like years before she heard voices, and in an instant Leia had the safety off the blaster, the baby still at her breast, one arm holding her there, her free hand shaking with exhausting as it held the blaster at ready. She was so tired she could barely make them out, only…

“I’m telling you, it’s coming from here…”

“She wasn’t there either. She’s not here.”

“Yes she is – she _is_ , the thing, look at it…”

“She could’ve dispatched in an escape pod and left that behind – she could’ve––”

“It’s _here_ , she’s _here_ – look, follow it!”

Her first thought being – Imperials? Coming for her, had found Han’s beacon, taken it from his corpse, were tracking her down – and then a beeping getting faster and faster, louder and louder… she shifted the thing from stun to full power with her teeth…

And then suddenly: bright, shining light as the cabinet door swung out, a shot ringing out but missing, her hand shaking too much, and squatting before her – there he was––

“Leia!” Han gasped as she dropped the blaster in shock, tumbling out of the cabinet and into his arms. “I got her, I got her!” he yelled.  

“Careful – be careful – she’s… Hope… gotta safe…” Leia managed, her voice more of a lightheaded stammer, speaking of the baby and trying to pull down her shirt while holding her – only to realize a split second later that he hadn’t _noticed_ the baby and then––

"You didn’t,” Han was choking, gaping at the bundle. “You – _you_ – she – that’s? _You_ did – you – you _had_ her you – that’s – _you?_ Our––?”

"Bad timing,” Leia mumbled, slumping against him and holding the baby to her chest, and she’d never felt anything like the way he hugged her, hugged them, and kissed her hair again and again and if she didn’t know better she’d think him sobbing – like hope, like family, like safe. A coming together. Something finally, radically whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We still in fact have a bit more left to the story. Your comments mean everything.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for all of your love for the last chapter!

He couldn’t stop looking at her.

There were her eyelashes – fine and pale and bright, radiating like the lines on a kid’s drawing of a sun. And those little eyelids, the delicate curves of them, how subtle and sweet they were. And how every once in a while they would flicker open, seem so surprised to live outside of Leia’s body, but a kind of benevolent surprise, like she felt safe. And those glassy marble eyes, so wide and wet and curious, intrigued. Smart, she was already smart, he could tell. And whenever she opened them he wanted to greet her all over again – made his voice go to a high-pitched place he didn’t know existed, saying back to her, “Hi! Hi!”

(All this not to mention her lips, her cute pink little lips, and her nose, its bridge and the way it would wrinkle up when she yawned, also those delicate little nostrils – and the teeny bit of her ears he could see with the cap, the tender curve of the lobes – he was glad she was swaddled up, honestly, he didn’t know what he’d do if he could see more of her, he’d gotten a glimpse of her teeny-tiny little fingers, the fragile points of her fingernails, and the moment when they curled firmly, insistently around his big, rough index finger – yeah, his heart almost stopped for that.)

“Hi! You have a nice nap? Huh? Y’have a nice nap lady?”

Brushing his finger over her smooth little forehead, stroking down her dimpled pink cheek.

When, every so often, she wiggled a bit and said, as though surprised to see him, “ah!” he could never help but saying back, “ah!”

When she pursed her lips and spit a little, sticking out that strawberry flash of tongue, he could never help but sticking his tongue out too, blowing her a little raspberry and grinning when she perked up in surprise at the sound.

He didn’t know if it was love. He expected it would either be like a giant wave of love, crashing into him and crippling him, or a smooth ambivalence. Either His Daughter or Not His Daughter. Instead it – well. It almost was like with Leia, when he first knew Leia. He was fascinated and captivated and affectionate and protective and warm and he could imagine himself, if he let himself, falling deeper and deeper. The longer he looked at her. And the problem was, he couldn’t stop looking.

“Ah!” That little cough of a cry, curious and surprised about sound, like he imagined Leia must have been as an infant.

He ran his finger under the curve of her cap so he got to brush against the smooth, fine hair there and grinned at her. “Ah!”

So – _happy_ , so happy and amazed that he didn’t mind the clumps of soldiers who wanted to stop and look because – yeah, he couldn’t stop looking at all, how could expect other people not to want to look? Feel that feeling he was feeling, something like it. Deep inside his belly. Couldn’t remember the last time he felt like he was holding something so helpless, that needed him so much. What it was for.

When the stretcher came to get Leia from her room it had been that one minute he was holding her weak, crumpled, half-naked and bloody form while she held the baby and then the next he was empty-handed, staring after the medics in a sort of stunned stupor – she had his – did she really – all alone? (Not alone, he’d find out later – _bless Shara Bey_ , bless her, he really fucking owed her, he’d never been so grateful for anyone.) And then he’d run after her, of course. Shara had been in medical, tending to Kes’s burns on his thigh after having insisting she do the complex bacta and suturing work herself, but when Leia came in she jumped up – “Leia, what did you do! – Is she alright!”

And Shara had been the one who deduced that Leia had torn out her stitches crawling and hiding in the cabinet – she’d instructed the medic who was seated between Leia’s legs and shining a light there – and most of all she’d grabbed the baby, patting her back and soothing her while barking instructions the medic. Meanwhile Han had been too busy hurrying to donate blood – he could only see the baby from afar, was focused on Leia. And _then_ the baby was crying and he watched, sort of stunned, as Shara passed Leia the baby and she fed her while getting his blood put into her body – _damn_. Not for the first time – _Leia_.

But then after that? Leia had relaxed into the pain meds they’d given her and held out the baby when he was at her bedside – to _him_ , held her out to _him_ as though this was the natural, obvious, thing to do – before sinking into sleep and then – suddenly, in his arms. His responsibility. His arms. He hadn’t put her down since.

Meanwhile, Leia felt herself coming out of the fog of unconscious, sounds floating through her head vaguely.

“You can hold her like Shara was you know – aren’t your arms getting tired?”

“Told you, we’re fine as we are.”

“But cradling her like that – isn’t that straining your shoulder?”

“Shoulder’s fine. Was a graze. We’re comfy like this alright?”

“You’re looking at her like you’re afraid you’re gonna hurt her!”

“She’s _small_. When’s the last time you hold something so small?”

Their conversation paused by someone, indecipherable – were they looking at the baby? Yes – enthusing over the baby – men’s voices, soldiers and medics, made soft, cooing at her baby – Han’s voice saying, “Thanks, thanks, yeah I think she’s pretty cute too” as though this was routine – was it routine, people talking to her baby, pausing to look at her?

“Back home? I used to babysit a ton, when I was a kid – my aunt would take me with her to see her friends, make me watch the babies? I’m telling you, babies aren’t as fragile as you think.”

“Thanks for the advice, kid.”

“You don’t need to be scared of her is all,” the first voice – Luke, she realized, it was Luke, said gently. “You won’t hurt her.”

With her eyes shut and her consciousness quivering into awareness, Leia slowly took an assessment of her body. She felt sticky and sweaty and damp, first of all, strings of her hair everywhere, nasty and tangled, and her skin dirty and tired. Her body ached, a deep exhausted ache, and her breasts felt heavy and also stinging, around the nipples – there was something in her arm, a port, delivering something – heavy wedged napkin or towel between her legs – but the deep feeling of _tearing_ of _torn_ was gone, replaced with a humming in her heart – a feeling that it had doubled and now lived outside her body, a faint awareness – was that the baby? The baby – a humming presence she could feel in her heart, outside now instead of in – was that the Force? Leia slowly peeled her eyes open, blinking blearily at the scene around her. The med center was all bright lights and frantic business, cots packed two feet apart with only a few attempts made at curtaining – wounded soldiers everywhere, moaning or knocked out, bandaged though, hooked up to IVs, transfusions, medicine, thank gods – this packed place, this army, this––

“Han, I think she’s up – Leia? Are you awake?” Luke asked. There he was, rushing to her head, brushing her hair out of her face for her.

And sitting in a chair right beside her cot, ramrod straight and focused and serious – there was Han, cradling the baby, frowning and then seeing her, really seeing her, and sighing in relief. He looked conflicted, like he wanted to move to her but – well. Luke had been right. He seemed very serious about his delicate, precise grasp on the baby. In an instant Leia knew he hadn’t moved from that spot, from that grasp, since they’d gotten here.

“A little – mmm… where…?”

“You’re in medical,” Luke said, squeezing her shoulder, while Han smiled faintly at her. She smiled at him as she watched him go to stroke her hair before realizing it would mean moving a hand from the baby, and he nodded at her, smiling gently too. They’d never needed words, really.

“How’re you feeling, sweetheart? You feelin’ alright?” he murmured, looking up at her so sweetly through his hair.

“I am alright,” she promised, her voice coming out hoarse and tired and gentle.

“Good,” Han whispered, and she struggled to sit up so his lips could brush against her forehead, but she couldn’t quite manage, and he smiled a little at her, a teasing smile, grateful for her understanding that he couldn’t, couldn’t, couldn’t move right now.

“How long have I been out, do you know?” Leia asked, still struggling to sit up – Luke caught her shoulders immediately and adjusted the bed so she was angled into a reclined seating position.

“Maybe a couple hours – you were awake when we got here, you don’t remember?” Luke asked.

“I don’t…”

“They did a transfusion,” Luke explained, fretting over her hair, so gentle with her. “You were awake for that – you fed the baby during, even. It was pretty hardcore.”

“Transfusion?”

“You lost a lot of blood – but obviously I’m a match for you, good old long lost twins, and your fiancé over there is a universal donor,” Luke said, showing his bandaged inner arm and indicating Han’s matching one. “But you were awake – well, in and out… was she out for the stitches, Han? They redid your stitches – pulled the curtain shut of course, but…”

“Nah, she was out for that,” Han said softly, transfixed as the baby curled her fist around his finger.

“I don’t – are you okay? Is she – I thought – the Empire…?”

She was interrupted, again, by some other onlookers coming to peer at the baby – a group of young pilots, each of them sporting bacta-treated burns, grinning and chattering and admiring the little bundle, smiling in spite of the new and tight bright pink flesh on their faces.

“Damn, never saw anything cuter.”

“Aww, lookit her with her lil’ fist…”

“Shit, s’the sweetest thing I’ve seen in a long time.

 _The sweetest thing I’ve seen in a long time._ Leia shut her eyes, trying to make sense of it all.

“How’s the pain? Do you want anything stronger?” Luke asked, straightening up her blanket a bit. “You were – when Han found you, gods, you gave us a scare – and you were _gasping_ in pain, it was… all that blood – you really scared us!”

“Yes, I – I – I’m sorry, I’m feeling a bit woozy… pain, ah – not so searing… it’s not so sharp – is Shara – Shara never came back? Is she okay?”

“Shara’s fine, Kes is fine, they’re perfectly okay.”

“What about – there was a woman, when I – I remember? I could’ve sworn?”

“A woman?”

“Don’t we have to – hours – the evacuation? What are we – where?”

“There’s no evacuation, Leia,” Luke assured her, smiling an almost childlike, wonder-filled smile.

“What – yeah I can… I’m sorry, I’m a bit lightheaded…”

“Lie back, here, just lie back, let me get your juice for you… Han, did you finish her juice?”

Han shook his head. He’d just been – looking at her, looking, holding the baby and looking at the baby. Like he couldn’t believe her. That she was there.

“Alright, where’s that – here it is – there’s a straw and everything – slow sips, alright Lei?”

She tried to nod, but her head felt too heavy, too tired, so instead she sucked the straw Luke put to her lips and blinked up at him.

“It’s nice to have family,” she tried to murmur, but she ended up spitting juice on herself a bit, words getting garbled.

“What’s that?” Luke asked, wiping her chin a bit for her.

“It’s nice to have family,” she managed, giving him a confused, hazy, sleepy smile.

“We were so worried about you,” Luke said in response, putting the juice down. “Seriously – Han was – we were just… worried. Really worried.”

“I was worried too,” she exhaled.

“If you want to rest more? Go on and rest more, I’m happy to have this same conversation again in twenty minutes or so,” Luke assured her, but she shook her head.

“No, no, I’m awake now… I wanna know – I would like to know what’s going on…”

“Don’ have to talk ‘bout all that now, sweetheart,” Han murmured, slipping his finger into the baby’s fist.

“I do want to know… I do… I’ve been so afraid…”

“Everything’s okay now,” Han said, giving her a firm, thoughtful nod.

“But what – I mean practically – what does that mean…”

“We got ‘em, babe,” he said, and then he grinned at her, really grinned, only pausing to stick out his tongue at the baby when she stuck out her tongue at him.

“What do you – you got ‘em, what does that mean?”

“The mission was a success,” Luke said, smiling at her. “Han got the shield down, Lando made the shot – and before all that, Vader––”

“You blew – you blew it up? You got it?”

“Yes, and Vader killed the Emperor – before he died he said––”

“The Emperor is – you blew it up – the Emperor is _gone_?”

“Yes – yes. And before he died – Leia, he told me to tell you – that he was thinking of – of the child, of her, that he – that he was _sorry_.”

“Sorry,” Leia echoed skeptically, shaking her head. “Sorry – but he died?”

“Yes – Leia, he saved me from the Emperor – he _turned_. He turned to save me.”

“He’s gone though? Him and the Emperor – they’re gone? I thought – we heard there was a trap – they’re gone – oh _gods_ …!”

“It was a trap but we persevered. They’re gone.”

“Imps’ve been ousted in major cities too, already, that fast,” Han added.

“They’re – they’re _gone_!” Leia sat straight up, then cried out at the pain of it.

“Easy, easy…” Han said, smiling at her.

“Oh – oh my…” she said, shaking her head – and then she was wiping her eyes. “I wish – I wish I’d been there…!”

“Hey,” Han said, giving her one of those quintessential crooked grins and that made Leia cry again, really cry. “You were doin’ something pretty important over here too.”

“I want to hear every detail,” she insisted once her voice was under control. “Tell me everything.”

Late in the night, then, in the quiet silence of the medical center, the dark light, the low humming of machinery – she was curled up on her side on the left side of the bed, him on his side on the right, the baby in the tiny space between them, both of them sleepy and aching and looking at her. Their voices going into a weird, dreamy place – slipping into each other. One voice.

She’d spent so much of the past nine months – inside herself, inside herself, reflective and pondering and tired and contemplative and lonely. Suddenly she had no thoughts: or if she did, they poured out of her mouth like water, into the air. The little safe cocoon around the three of them.

“She needs a home,” Leia was whispering, watching the baby’s little belly rise and fall. “She deserves a home.”

“Yeah.”

"She deserves – a cradle beside big windows…” Leia added, yawning.

“Yeah. Big windows so she can see the stars.”

“Like a dreamer – an adventurer.”

“Not too much adventure though, huh? Feel like there’s such thing as––”

“Too much adventure? Yes, I’m very aware. Okay. Moderate adventures.”

“Somewhere with trees, maybe. Lotsa green.”

“Mountains.”

Beaches, oceans. Lakes.”

“Little swimmer, little fish.” Touching the baby’s fist. “Are you a little fish? Is that what you are?”

“Lookit her brow. Think she’s dreaming?”

“Oh, yes. Dreaming of swimming – aquatic life inside me…”

“I bet she misses it.”

“I bet she likes it out here too. Warm arms to hold her.”

“Maybe so.”

“ _I_ like it out here.”

“Yeah, princess?”

“You’re out here. And I enjoy being with you.”

"You’re loopy.”

“I’m medicated… I had something violently burst from within me…”

"Well when you put it like that.”

“Grow inside me and then come into the world… I wish I’d taken better care those first few months, before I knew…”

“Wish I’d been there. Hold your hand. All of it, ‘course, but especially yesterday.”

“My mother was there,” she murmured faintly. “Mothers…”

“Loopy, loopy… lucky you’re so beautiful.”

“I don’t know – do I have competition for the position of apple of your eye now?”

“Lucky I got two eyes.”

“Sap.”

“You love it.”

"I do.”

“I know.”

“Han…” Leia murmured, yawning again. “What are we going to do with her?”

“Didn’t give it much thought, to be honest.”

“It’s not so much a question of the depth of my devotion…” Leia whispered, fixing the baby’s cap. “It isn’t that I didn’t know I would care for her until she was born. It isn’t that it was a revelation.”

“Hmm…”

“I always knew I would care. I’ve always cared for the innocent…”

“Right, right.”

“What I mean is I don’t want… I don’t want you to think it’s that… it’s that by being sweet or beautiful or born she’s _earned_ a new place in my heart. It isn’t that… when she was born? When Shara gave her to me…”

“Yeah?”

“I felt so much love and longing, to protect her. I felt it so deeply, this impulse to protect her.”

“Yeah.”

“And that was when I thought I had lost you all. Thought the Empire was boarding us… I thought I would have to crawl to an evac pod and hide in a cave and set her on a couple’s front door. I was certain we would have five days together at the most.”

“You really thought that?”

“I thought if I didn’t have to die for her I would have to leave her elsewhere, yes. Forever. Like we discussed… even after I’d held her… I was ready to do that.”

“Gods, sweetheart.”

“I would do that in a heartbeat, if I thought that would make her safest. Would you?”

He inhaled heavily and gave a little nod, his chest feeling heavy, resigned, crushed. “Yeah. I would.”

“Even if meant you would never see that little hiccup thing she does, you would.”

That feeling there, aching and accepting. “Yeah. I would.”

“Me too,” Leia said solemnly, wiping a little bit of drool from the baby’s lips with her sleeve. She gave Han a long, contemplative, serious look. “I just don’t know if we still have to.”

“…Leia?”

“It feels narcissistic to say the safest place for her is with us. Right? How can we be the best case scenario – I am a military lifer, Han, I won’t leave this fight any time soon, and we both have trauma to weigh us down that’s heavier than gravity. We’re young – well, I’m young – and our relationship is – there was a time when it was very new, just a few months ago. It’s still – something that needs to be treated tenderly. We’ve been so far apart even while you’ve been here…”

“I know.”

“And yet – I feel so different from how I did… it’s not that I’ve realized something, it isn’t that I was wrong then – I feel I’ve changed – I still think me four months ago was right to not want to be a mother, to think I couldn’t do it then. I think she couldn’t have done it. But I also think I’ve changed. I think you have too.”

“Yeah?”

“I worry I sound like I’m – conceding, to everyone who told me it would be different once I held her in my arms. It isn’t like that. I held in her my arms and thought _I will never see you again_ and I was ready, I was ready to make that sacrifice, it would have been hard but I would’ve done it. But I’d never anticipated becoming someone better equipped at asking for and receiving help from others, and I _never_ anticipated a world in which, well.”

“A world in which…?”

“She would be safe. With us.” She looked up at him through her eyelashes, that serious, thoughtful expression of hers. “If the war is waning such that she need not be anonymized in hiding to be safe, if she has a power she’ll need love and care and someone who can relate to learn to use, if we think there’s a chance we have become the type of people who can give her the life she deserves…”

“You want to keep her,” Han said, his voice so low and quiet, almost like if he said it too loud it would pop, disappear, evaporate into the air. He felt the floor drop out of his chest – all that love he wasn’t sure of from before threatening to rush in.

She pressed her lips together and nodded. “I do,” she said, looking at him intently. “I think – I think she’s someone we can do right by. I think we might be good enough for her.” She licked her chapped lips and reached out to run her fingers through his hair, giving him a half smile. “If you’re up for it, flyboy?”

“I’ll go wherever you go,” Han said hoarsely, seriously, feeling his chest flood with it, looking at the baby sleeping: _I love you I love you I love you_. “Didn’t think I was up for this kind of thing when I found out. But you make me – yeah. You make me wanna be a better man. Make me feel like I’ve become one.” Another small nod. “Worthy of you.”

“You make me feel as though I can do the most impossible thing I can imagine.”

“Raising a kid?”

“Making a life beyond all this tragedy. Imagining a life that comes afterwards.”

“And that’s a life with me an’ this little lady, huh?”

“Yes. Yes.”

They’d have to lean over the baby to kiss, so instead they held hands, tightly, squeezing them and smiling at each other. After a long moment, he murmured, “Guess she needs a name then, huh?”

Leia scrunched up her face. “Oh, Han, there’s something I have to confess…”

“You didn’t.”

“We don’t have to go with it! It just happened by accident, it wasn’t under my control…”

“I didn’t even know you’d been _thinkin’_ about names.”

“I hadn’t, I hadn’t, it just happened…”

“Well, lay it on me.”

“It’s a bit cheesy…”

“Go on.”

“I called her Hope,” Leia confessed. “It was an automatic thing. But if you really hate it…”

“Hmm… Hope.” Han said, tracing his finger over the pouting curve of the baby’s sweet dimpled cheeks. “Ho-ope…” The baby did a little wiggle in her sleep, as if trying to inch closer to his touch, and he grinned and kissed the soft, fragile skin of her forehead, inhaling that sweet newborn scent. “Hope Organa?”

“Organa Solo.”

“Well, I think she likes it. I’m partial too. Hope.”

“Ho-ope,” Leia tried, smiling softly and marveling at the strength of Hope’s sleeping grip when Leia wiggled her pinky into her fist. “She’s strong…”

“Tough little thing,” Han agreed. “Won’t know what hit ‘em but we’ll do our best to get this galaxy ready for you.”

“Ye-es… we’ll make the galaxy so safe for you… whole for you. Together.”

“Together.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your support! We have an epilogue and then that’s everything!


	24. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short little thing to finish us out. It felt important to me to see Leia out in the world, and to get a sense of who she is as a person now. So…

Water had a subtle way of transforming things: making them appear blurrier, almost magical, a glimmer of not quite real. These days Leia sometimes felt like she was always underwater. Was it true, did she really get to wear soft leggings that fit, break in a new pair of shoes, wake up after the sun? Really get to lie here in the soft white sand in the little brook that curved through these woods behind Luke’s little hut, naked in the warm water, soaking all her hair? Watching it float up and rush around her… a luxury that wasn’t a luxury, that was merely her life now. Had been her life for some time and yet…

She was holding the baby just above her, letting her float but tethering here there, she was so small she could easily be swept away in this easy summer current, watching idly as Hope considered how her toes appeared to blur under the water. Furrowing her brow, very slowly tapping her toes as if testing one hypothesis after another, the scraps of green ribbon holding together her tiny buns soaked through. Contemplative, serious little thing. What had she done yesterday? Picked up a teeny-tiny lizard without any hesitation and held it up to Leia’s face and demanded, “Ah!” _Look! Look! Have you ever seen anything like this, Mam?_

She lived in a world in which she marveled over lizards. There were so many things she hadn’t yet seen. There were so many things Leia was certain Hope would never, ever see: wounded friends, the death of her people, the torture of whatever lover she might someday take. Yes, a lizard was a marvel. Yes, the polka-dotted insect crawling with its babies in a line behind it was too. A gift.

It had taken the entirety of this long visit to get her to bathe with her in the brook though – she didn’t like water because, Leia supposed, it reminded her too much of baths, which despite her and Han’s hard efforts – toys and tools in the tub! – still seemed to signal the ending of her daily adventures... which were numerous, between the two of them plus her near-freakish ability to learn how to crawl terribly fast.

Once she’d acquiesced, though, Hope seemed into it; maybe because running water presented a new opportunity to explore? Take now, for example: as a little silver minnow flitted past her feet, Hope splashed wildly and grabbed at Leia’s fingers. “Ah! M-m-m-ma!”

“Oh!” Leia said, sitting up and pulling the baby into her lap, kissing her soaking tangled buns – one, then the other, like her mother used to do. “Don’t worry, they’re only fish – they’re only little fish, and you’re my little fish…”

“Ah! Ah!”

“Now, don’t splash them – you don’t need to splash them. How would you like it if they splashed you?”

“Ah-ah-ah-ah m-m-m-ma!”

“Hush now. This is their home, and we’re only guests. We don’t want to disrespect their home.”

“Ma! Ah! Ah! Ah!”

“Okay, okay. Listen, come here to me,” Leia said, turning the baby around so they were facing each other, catching her eyes. “Listen to me. Those fish – they’re part of everything, just like you and me. And Daddy, and Uncle Luke, and Chewie and Aunt Evaan – everyone you know… do you hear me my little fish?”

Hope reached for Leia’s hair inquisitively, but Leia stopped her hand, held them in hers.

“Do you feel them with me, little fish?” Leia asked. She shuts her eyes and very gently nudged herself into Hope’s head – it was normally such a porous barrier anyway, between the two of them, but recently Leia had been trying to encourage a little bit of independence, like when she’d weaned her a few months before – slowly, gently, earlier than on Alderaan but mostly because Hope was getting too restless and curious to lie still in her lap. Could it really be that she had a one-year-old and was already mourning the time when she would lie still and cuddle all sweetly? Wasn’t that supposed to come later?

She felt the chirping hum that was Hope’s presence – all bright energy eager to bounce off this and that, reaching out, excited by absolutely everything – and kissed her hair, gave her hands a little squeeze. “Do you feel me? That’s me. That’s you and I. Shh…”

Very slowly, Leia nudged their unified presences outward, stopping just when she was able to brush up against the lively, purposeful glow of the school of fish.

“Do you feel that? They’re connected to you and me, to everything else. They’re a part of our world, too. This place we all share…”

She used her toe to stir the water lightly, and the fish lit up with excitement, causing Hope to tense just a little.

“No no, don’t worry – they’re our friends too. I promise. They’re our friends... are you being shy? Don’t be shy… shh… just listen…”

She scootched the baby closer to her, so her forehead was touching her sternum between her breasts, stroking her hair. Feeling the exuberance of the world around them wash over them both…

Hope sneezed and her fingers splashed, and as she did so the fish perked up energetically – and that’s when Hope pulled back, eyes wide open, clapping excitedly and laughing with her mouth wide open. “Ma! Mmmmma!”

“Yes! I know! I know!”

“Ma-ma-mmma!”

“I know! Everything, everything – it lives in harmony – it lives within you-ou,” Leia sing-songed, and she bounced the baby in the water and smothered her with kisses. “I know, I know – yes yes yes!”

Once she’d used the last of the soap she kept out here to wash herself and her hair and the baby too, Leia stepped out of the brook and set Hope in the sand. She shook out her hair, then delicately used the Force to lift the droplets of water from her own body and fling it back into the brook, then did the same to Hope, who squealed at the tickling sensation. Once she’d braided her hair back into its comfortable halo and dressed the two of them, she scooped the baby up and settled her into the little papoose on her back atop her supplies pack, then grabbed her saber.

“Say _see you later, woods_ ,” Leia said, adjusting the straps on her pack. “Say, _we’ll return soon._ ”

“Ree… ah!”

“Close enough. Alright.” She said a silent goodbye to the woods herself – to the few weeks she’d spent here, training with Luke, a welcome break from the stress of humanitarian work she’d relished in taking between assignments. Then she activated her saber – Hope squealing at the bright purple light, excited and pleased – and stepped into the forest, using the blade to cut their path through the brush. At first, Hope gurgled excitedly at every low vibration, but eventually it seemed to lure her into sleep. What a blessing, Leia thought, to see that blade of light as not a weapon but a tool.

She traveled with no path; they set up no meeting point. Old habits died hard – they never explicitly shared their destinations anymore, they merely found each other. She rubbed the little beacon on her wrist, smiling faintly. She always made her way to him.

The baby’s breath was warm and steady against her neck, a soft reminder of everything else alive, and she could hear the birds around them, the rustling of the foliage as they climbed their way through, mother and daughter adventurers, charting their own path, making their own way. Alive, everything was alive. She was alive. She felt so…

There was a time when she had felt like some artifact from a distance land, a comet of debris hurtling through the galaxy, frozen and alone. Now she felt the thrum of every living thing, growing and birthing and finding its way – for the first time in a long time, she felt a part of a whole. The roots of the trees, the breath on her neck – her whole. The blinking beacon on her wrist, the insects in the air, the wedding ring on her finger – her whole.

The baby slept through when Leia paused for her early lunch, but by the time the afternoon sun was at its highest she was up again, squirming curiously and pointing at everything that moved, her chirping babble narrating the world around them. “Ma! Ma!” Whole.

Holding her daughter’s presence in her head, Leia cut and climbed and crawled and hummed and then, suddenly, in the clearing before her: “How’ve my girls been, huh?”

Hope was kicking _desperately_ , waving her hands and squealing into Leia’s ear – “ _Da_ da – _da_ da – ah! Dada!” – but he was too quick for them. Just as Leia deactivated her saber and went to pull the baby from her back, he had closed the gap between them, his own blue beacon shining through the fabric of his pocket, his strong arms encircling them both as he kissed her passionately. Hope’s eager kicking, Han’s warm lips against hers – whole. The faint humming at her wrist that meant they’d been reunited – whole.

“You look good,” Han murmured against her lips, grinning crookedly. “Strong. Sunned.”

“I’ve missed you,” Leia said honestly, smiling up at him. “And not just for the compliments.”

“ _Da_ da- _da_ da- _da_!”

“You look strong too, lady!” Han assured her, unlacing her from Leia’s back and scooping her over her head and into a tight embrace. “Definitely got some biceps going, huh? My tough little girl!” He bounced her up over his head and kissed her belly and she screamed with laughter, kicking wildly. “Y’got even bigger!” Han cried, setting her on his shoulders. “How’d you manage that!”

“We had some _excellent_ adventures,” Leia noted wryly, handing him her pack when he offered and greeting Chewie with a wave when he appeared at the top of the Falcon’s ramp upon its descent. “This one nearly turned feral.”

“She’s a curious little beast, ain’t she?”

“A very bright wild child.”

“That’s all you, princess.”

“Funny, I was about to say the same about you… so you’ve got the med supplies, then? For the camp? The price – were you able––?”

“With a little negotiation, yep. Made it all happen. They threw in an extra bacta tank too, said it was only good for parts but I did some tinkering and it’s all good now, though you owe Chewie an apology for my makin’ him test in your place, he got pretty sticky…” 

“I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Well, as far as I’m concerned we’ll never have to find that out. ETA’s looking like tomorrow morning, that alright? Local time noon.”

“It’s perfect. _Perfect_.”

“Gives us a night…”

“Oh… you’re going to kill me…”

“You go back to lettin’ her share your bed?”

“She likes to cuddle!”

“You met Miss Hope? She does _not_ like to cuddle. Hope, you like to cuddle? Or your ma tryin’ to sneak in some cuddles while you’re out cold?”

“Well. You’re welcome to partake in the cuddles should you be interested. I’m willing to share.”

“Such a softie.”

“Watch it, Solo,” she teased, her hand flying to her saber. “Don’t test me,” she said, and as they boarded the ship she let out an accidental yawn.

“Tired?”

“Bit of a hike. And many adventures, like I said.”

“Think you have it in you for another?”

“With you? Always.”

“That’s what I like to hear.”

He kissed her again, hard, pulling her close, only to be interrupted by Leia laughing as Hope reached down from her perch atop his shoulders and pulled her hair.

“Well,” Han said, holding out his arm and gesturing into the ship theatrically. “After you, Princess. Onwards.”

 _Whole_ , Leia thought again, looking at his broad, optimistic smile, at the natural way he held Hope’s hands. She flashed him a grin and stepped onto the ship, into their home, towards the next adventure. “Onwards.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that’s all she wrote! After so much claustrophobia, I really wanted to get our young family out into the natural world, to give them a sense of ease and optimism and growth. It felt more important to me to capture Leia and Han’s relationship and emotional state later than the details of What Happens Next, but of course you can always reach me on Tumblr if you have questions about that. Otherwise: thank you so much for all of your support on this piece. It means the world!

**Author's Note:**

> ~will continue if there's interest!~


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